No two people have the same idea of what constitutes a vacation.
For some people, it's to cut themselves off from the rest of the world for a little bit, and not to think about, or even mention work, for the duration.
Some people, however, just can't entirely shake their usual routine, constantly checking their phone to make sure everything is ok at the office, or still waking up at their usual morning hour and never sleeping.
Such was somewhat the case for the husband of Redditor purpley5, who felt the need to keep up his morning routine while on vacation.
Problem was, his doing so meant he was destined to wake up the original poster (OP) and their young child.
Not exactly the way the OP planned on spending their vacation, which they were not afraid to make clear to their husband.
Worried that they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The a**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my husband to stop waking up early to exercise while on vacation?"
The OP explained how they were less than appreciative of their husband's morning schedule, particularly on vacation.
"My husband usually wakes up early so he can work out daily."
"During our vacation our son was sleeping in the same bed as us as he wouldn't sleep otherwise."
"Every single time my husband got up to exercise it would wake our son up which meant I had to wake up at 5am too."
"A lot of the time our son would be in a bad mood from having been woken up early too so it wasn't ideal."
"After the fourth day, I asked him to stop waking up early to exercise for the rest of our 2-week vacation."
"He told me he would be more careful not to wake our son up but I told him our son would wake up as soon as he left the bed so he had to stop."
"We argued over it but he did eventually agree to stop reluctantly even though it meant he couldn't exercise as much as he wanted to without missing time with his family and it also meant he couldn't workout with his brother which his brother was unhappy about."
"Was I TA for making him stop?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly evenly divided on where they felt the OP fell.
Many agreed that the behavior of the OP's husband was insensitive to them and their son, and if he woke up the child, then he should be the one who watches him.
"NTA."
"If he is waking his son up at 5am he should be caring for his son at 5am."- helpfulnothelpful
"NTA."
"Don't wake up the 16month old at 5am."
"He can either exercise at another time."- Moon-MoonJ
"NTA."
"Your husband's desire to spend time with his brother is understandable, but if he lives with light sleepers, that's just how it is."
"Sometimes you gotta make sacrifices."
"You wanting to not be woken up at some off hour of the early morning is a completely reasonable request."- AwesomeAndyXPmL.
"NTA."
"I think what most people are missing is that this is a vacation."
"Whether both parents work or OP is a stay at home mom she has to get up early in her regular day to day."
"Vacations are to sleep in."
"Yes the husband has a routine but as a light sleeper myself that wakes up because the dog was snoring on a different floor in a different room it's impossible getting back to sleep."
"That's not even taking into account a child."
"To further explain what I meant by 'Vacations are to sleep in' because apparently I gave people too much credit in grasping that the comment was based on/and for OP specifically."
"Everyone does things differently and vacations differently and that's ok."
"At this point you'll say 'then why can't he do what he wants' because through his actions he is now affecting his wife AND son's health."
"While many of you may think that's a stretch, sleep is part of that especially since she mentioned that her sons behavior changed because of it."- TheCraSaVaB
There were some, however, who felt that while the OP wasn't exactly out of line, their husband also had the right to spend his vacation how he wanted to, or that there could be a compromise reached which could please both of them.
"NAH."
"You're not doing it to be mean, it's just a reality that you both have to deal with."
"If you're staying with family you probably don't have much flexibility as to sleeping arrangements, but it seems like a separate bed would solve this."
"Maybe if a crack of dawn workout is important enough to your husband he could choose the couch."
"Or a cot or room with two beds if you're in a hotel."- NotThisAgain234
"NAH. Or soft ESH."
"It seems like there are a lot of other solutions that would allow everyone to compromise a little and no one to give up the most important things to them."
"Maybe get a room with separate beds so your husband can wake up when he wants without disturbing you and your son."
'Or agree that everyone gets up at 5am three days a week so your husband can work out, and the other days, everyone sleeps in and he skips his workout."
"You should talk things through and come up with a solution that satisfies everyone."
"You and your son should be able to sleep in and wake up when it's comfortable for you, but your husband also should be able to wake up when it's comfortable for him."
"He's conditioned to getting up early; so am I, and I couldn't sleep in no matter how hard I try."
"Also, this is your husband's vacation, too; he should be able to do what he wants."
"I workout, too, and I enjoy doing it."
"I keep it up on vacation because it's the thing I want to do."
"If that's what he wants to do on his vacation, he should be able to do it."-SethofGlyph
"NAH."
"Having a baby who won't sleep sucks."
"There is no easy fix."
"I get why your husband was bummed and upset but also his exercise can't come at the expense of everyone else's wellbeing, and it sounds like most of burden of waking up the baby was falling on you."
"You're all doing the best you can."- mewley
Others, had little to no sympathy for the OP, feeling that they were inviting this problem by allowing their son to sleep in their bed.
"Yes you are unfortunately."
"First, put the kid in his own bed."
"You are the adult, you need to let junior know it's not up for debate."
"Put him in his own bed every night, no exception."
"It wont hurt him to cry himself to sleep."- Living-Salad7211
"YTA."
"Keeping your son in your bed is your choice."
"Knowing you were going away you should have worked to ensure he stays in his own bed."
"Everyone needs some 'me' time."
"You're lucky it's just exercise and not gambling or gaming."- Safe_Frosting1807
"Going against the grain to say YTA."
"The kid needs to sleep elsewhere."
"I think the husband is doing the right thing by getting up early to exercise rather than take 'normal' hours away from his family."
"I do the same thing and vacation is an opportunity for me to workout with the pressure of rushing to get to work after."- telekelley
"YTA."
"If you're a light sleeper and your child wakes up easily, that's all the more reason to not sleep in the same bed."- mutalisk91
"YTA."
"No need to stop working out at 5 am Sleep in other rooms or get up early to make him a good breakfast to come home to after his workouts."
"Working out is as mental as it is physical, stop introducing more roadblocks to your husband's personal goals."
"You could also go to sleep earlier so that waking up at 5 am weren't so painful."- Grand_Fold_5152
"I might get downvoted for this But soft YTA."
"If your husband usually gets up early and work out, you can't just ask someone to not do that."
"It's a part of his daily routine and even if he doesn't go to the gym is he expected to just lay in bed with his eyes open pretending to be asleep while you and the baby sleep?"
"Some people are early risers, to force someone to sleep in when they wake up early is inhumane."
"Don't let the kid sleep in your bed."
"I know sex isn't everything but I can't imagine going on a 2 week vacation with my husband and we have no alone time in bed at night because our kid is literally always there."
"Never get too caught up in being a parent that you forget to be a spouse."
"This Only applies if your husband isn't a sack of sh*t that leaves all the parenting and domestic duties for you to do."
Everyone should get to spend their vacation how they want to.
Unfortunately, it seems like for the OP and their husband, that just isn't possible without disrupting the other.
Hopefully, a solution can be found which will please both of them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp