Back in the day, the SATs were a two part timed exam with a single math section—which didn't allow the use of anything but scratch paper that was provided on site—and a verbal section. 1600 was a perfect score.
Now the verbal section has been split into entirely independent "Evidence-Based Reading" and "Writing" sections and math has separate with calculator and without calculator sections. Instead of getting just two scores, test takers now get four.
Cheating mainly involved hiring someone else to take the test for you. Anything else was difficult since cell phones, ear buds, smart phones, tablets and even laptops didn't exist in the consumer market yet.
But with those products and the inclusion of calculators in testing gear, there are new options for people determined to cheat.
A mother trying to discipline her cheating daughter turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
FrustratedMotherAITA asked:
"AITA For making my daughter pay for her own college testing and applications because she was caught cheating?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I received a call to pick up my daughter 'Lily' because she had been caught cheating on her practice SAT. After arriving, I learned Lily's friend 'Sam' had also been caught cheating."
"Her score was canceled, but, thankfully, Lily will still be allowed to retake the test and this has not gone under any kind of record."
"When I talked to Lily about what happened, she told me that Sam's mother was going to punish Sam if she didn't earn an exceptionally high score. And Sam had, in turn, put pressure on my daughter to help her cheat."
"I have felt for a long time that Sam is not a genuine friend to Lily and has been trying to hold my daughter back to feel better about her own poor choices. And I had spoken to Lily about this before, and to not let Sam manipulate her into anything she knows is wrong."
"Lily typed several formulas/answers, printed them, and attached them as a fake nutrition label on her snacks. Sam did the same."
"It wasn't as if she got lost in the moment when deciding to cheat. She had plenty of time to think about what she was doing."
"The school required all snacks to be brought in a clear plastic bag and be left on a table nearby. During the test, one of the proctors looked at the bags and noticed the fake labels which is how they were caught."
"Lily told me that she had understood, yet did this."
"I told Lily that, to prove she will take her education seriously from now on, she will need to come up with the fees for her future tests and college applications on her own. I suggested she start working odd jobs (such as babysitting or dog walking for the neighbors) to save up early."
"Despite telling me she understood, the time to register for the next test is approaching, and my daughter asked me to pay because she is short on cash and her school will not offer the test again until spring. She brought up the original excuse that Sam pressured her into cheating."
"I told my daughter no. I am not going back on my word, and she will learn to treat these opportunities with respect once she has to earn it herself."
"I also told Lily that she needs to stop letting Sam manipulate her, and if she can't stand up to her, then maybe she doesn't have the mental maturity for college."
"Our extended family became involved in the disagreement and are insisting that we cover the fee because it's for her education and is important for college. I am not allowing them to cover the fee for Lily because it's undermining my lesson."
"Inevitably, someone pretending to be her friend is going to pressure her to cheat again in college. Then when she gets caught again, I will wind up losing thousands of dollars and Lily will lose her shot at a good education."
"Her college journey won't last long regardless unless she learns responsibility now. Even though she spent her money poorly and doesn't have enough now, she will be able to wait and test in spring, even if it's a less convenient time for her."
"AITA For putting my foot down with Lily and our family?"
The OP later added some clarification and reactions to some commonly expressed concerns:
"Lily is now a junior in high school. Taking the test in spring will not delay Lily's college applications."
"If she takes the test as a junior in the spring, or even decides to retry during the summer, her score will still be available for her to use by the time fall applications roll around."
"I have also broken down the math. Lily had and still has ample time and opportunity to save up."
"With the advice of her counselor, Lily will be applying to seven schools. I have also spoken to several professionals currently involved in college admissions, they agree that seven is the ideal number and that it is no longer recommendable to apply to more schools than that."
"The fee to take the SAT is $60 in our area. It is the same no matter how many times you have taken the test before. Most of the schools Lily has expressed interest have application fees under $40, and typically offer fee waivers to applicants in the activities that Lily is in."
"Even with mailing out transcripts (her school charges $10), there is no reasonable circumstance in which Lily is paying above $500 for everything."
"Cheating may be common as some people have claimed, but it is still wrong and has far more serious consequences in college and the real world compared to high school. I do not understand what benefit it would bring Lily to teach her that doing something wrong is OK because 'they might turn a blind eye'."
"Lily does have friends who are positive influences. She understands what a healthy relationship is like, and that Sam isn't one."
"Lily and Sam have talked less since they were caught cheating, but Lily hasn't cut Sam off entirely. Trying to force them not to be friends wouldn't work. Teenagers will always find ways to see each other if they want to."
"Besides, the point is that there will always be people like Sam who will pretend to be Lily's friend and manipulate her for their own advantage. Lily is 16 and becoming an adult."
"I won't be able to force those kinds of people away when she's in college or living by herself. Lily won't make it on her own unless she can stand up to those people now."
"Lastly, I will not make Lily volunteer with less fortunate kids as an 'eye-opener'. You may have had good intentions suggesting that, but I view it as exploitative."
"If Lily were interested in volunteering with less fortunate kids simply out of a desire to help, I would be thrilled. But kids with less fortunate backgrounds are not 'life lessons' for people with privileged backgrounds."
"If she spends her money wisely this time, she will have more than enough to cover the fees. Especially as these are the only expenses she will need to cover."
"Starting in the summer, Lily made $10 from each time walking our neighbors' dogs. Doing that twice a week allowed her to save up enough for the SAT fee in three weeks."
"She earned more than enough, but blew it on outings and other things she didn't need. If Lily is responsible with her money this time around, she will have more than enough money to pay for her SAT by the time spring rolls around."
"If Lily works hard, there will be no delay in her college application process. The problem is that Lily needs to stop letting people such as Sam manipulate her. Cheating will have far heavier consequences in college than high school."
"She will not make it on her own at a college unless she's willing to stand up for herself. I'm also trying to teach her finality and consequences now before she loses her chance at a good education."
"Sam has displayed a pattern of manipulative behavior towards Lily for a long time now—they met at 13 and her behavior was pointed out to Lily at 14. It is clear that Sam is not receiving the right kind of support at home, but that is an explanation, not a justification for Sam's behavior."
"Sam was wrong to pressure Lily, however, Lily also had a choice to let Sam manipulate her when she knew cheating was wrong."
"In the real world and college, there will always be people with selfish intentions who will pretend to be her friend. If Lily cannot stand up to those people, she won't make it on her own."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I am making my daughter pay for her own college testing/applications because she cheated."
"Our extended family is saying that we should cover these fees for her because my daughter is still 16 and these things are important for her college and education."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Reasonable consequence for cheating. She's had plenty of opportunity to earn the money to pay for the test; if she can't be bothered that's on her. Besides, she can always take the test next spring; missing it now isn't the end of the world." ~ Waste_Worker6122
"NTA. Cheating has consequences, and she had chances to earn the money. If she missed the test, she can always try again next spring. Not the end of the world." ~ ddddddddddsdsd
"NTA. Sounds like your daughter still hasn't learned anything from the cheating episode. She doesn't really take responsibility for her own cheating—it was all Sam's fault—and she didn't take any responsibility to make money to take her test. This is all on her."
"Stick to your reasonable consequences. Let her sit out half a year and hopefully she'll see there are actual real-world consequences to your life when you screw up and don't take measures to fix it." ~ More-Yogurtcloset531
"NTA. The lesson hasn't sunk in yet and she thinks she can just be bailed out. Maybe she thought she was skating by because there was no record of her cheating and she thinks she can skate by now too."
"Stick to your consequences, they are more than fair. If she fails to save up, then maybe community college is more her speed for the time being." ~ samartinez11
"Sounds to me like you are doing everything right. She needs to learn how to manage her finances and this is a great lesson." ~ JaneTheCane
This parent has decided their daughter will appreciate the effort needed to get into college more if she foots the bill for it.
Hopefully it works.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp