Weddings are an occasion to celebrate.
With that in mind, it’s understandable that the couple whose love is being celebrated don’t wan’t anything to go wrong on their happy day.
As a result, they might take extra precautions to ensure their day will be full of joy, and drama free.
For a recent Redditor, it looked for a moment that the only way to ensure her special day woudl be void of any drama or unpleasantness was by not including her mother.
Knowing that would be a decision she might regret later on, the original poster (OP) later made the decision that her mother could come, under one strict condidtion.
One her mother was in no way interested in obliging.
Wondering if she was being unfair to her mother, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for making a rule around my Mom attending my wedding!?”
The OP explained how her mother had an ongoing issue which she knew might pose a problem at her wedding, resulting in her giving her mother a strict rule if she wanted to attend.
“I (36 F[emale]) am getting married in 2 months.”
“Up until recently I did not invite my Mom (55 F) & her wife (62 F) to the wedding.”
“A little back story, my mother and her wife have always been big drinkers.”
“Their drinking often leads to fights and/or issues within the family.”
“Long story short, our mother does not handle her alcohol well & can be a mean drunk, especially to me.”
“I initially did not invite them to our wedding, as we were not speaking due to my mother’s drinking & some less than favorable comments she made.”
“Time has passed, and I don’t want any regrets down the road about not inviting her.”
“So I extended an olive branch and invited them both, but with a very specific rule.”
“The rule, in my & fiancés eyes, was minor, and would alleviate any stress or worries about them getting drunk & doing or saying something out of line on our big day.”
“The rule was, they can attend, but absolutely no drinking.”
“Not during the ceremony or at the reception.”
“When I relayed this rule to my mom, she was less than impressed.”
“She made comments about ‘not dictating what she can and can’t do’, and ‘will do what she wants’.”
“I told her If she couldn’t accept my one request and rule for our wedding, she was not welcome.”
“I can’t fathom not having her there for my big day, but also can’t fathom the gong show she will make it if I allow her to drink.”
“So AITA for enforcing this rule?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for forbidding her mother to drink at her wedding.
Everyone agreed that it was very telling that the OP’s mother seemed to value being able to drink that being in attendance at her daughter’s wedding, and if she wasn’t willing to make this concession, then she shouldn’t be invited to the wedding.
“Your mother is choosing drinking over you and is reminding you why you went no contact in the first place.”
“You offered her a way back in and can move forward with no regrets.”- Angry_poutine
“But she’ll show up drunk.”
“With a flask.”
“And a bottle in the car.”
“Because alcoholic.”- TheQuietType84
“I can’t believe your mother is willing to no attend her daughters wedding just because she can’t drink then.”
“She sounds like an alcoholic and a bad mom.”
“Not asking her to drink if she tends to get verbally aggressive id she drinks is very reasonable.”
“It’s your wedding your rules.”- seriouslywondering99
“This a boundary.”
“And the fact she can’t promise to not drink for only a few hours should tell you she values booze over her relationship with you and your wedding.”
“Consider her to have RSVP’d ‘no’.”- OrangeCubit
“I feel like I’m reading my own diary from a year ago.”
“I have the same dynamic.”
“Mom is a big drinker and a mean drunk, dad is an enabler.”
“I’ll spare you the details, but my trying to enforce a similar rule while planning my wedding ended in me being no contact with them.”
“I hope yours doesn’t end that way, but let me just say this, by inviting them to a situation where alcohol is being served, where is it normal and expected for most people to drink, when they are resisting your one rule, you are setting them up to fail, and setting yourself up to be crying and have the day spoiled in your memory.”
“It SHOULD be the easiest rule in the world to follow, and you are absolutely right to maintain it.”
“But it won’t work.”
“I would disinvited them again spare yourself the heartache.”
“Hugs to you.”
“I know how hard it is to watch your mother choose drinking over spending time with you.”
“You’re basing this rule on her past behavior.”
“She’s proven that she cannot hold her drink and she has history of being hostile to you when drunk.”
“Why on earth would you want that to happen/risk that at your wedding?”
“And she’s putting an evening’s buzz ahead of being present for her child’s big day?”
“There’s definitely an a**hole here, and it isn’t you.”-TimisAllia
“This is a very reasonable request.”- warrinerdot
“Her response indicates clear alcoholism.”- Syveril
“She’s going to ruin your day.”
“You do know that she is going to begrudgingly agree to not drink and then she will get hammered, right?”
“If she is at your wedding, she will be drunk and it will cause problems.”
“Her reaction is 100% proof she is not willing to put you before herself, not even for a couple of hours.”
“Do yourself a favor and just tell her she is no longer invited and that moving forward, you don’t want a relationship with her until she gets her drinking under control.”- The__Riker__Maneuver
“This is your day, OP and as I understand it, your mom has no interest in following your rule.”
“I would disinvite your mom and her wife because the last thing you want to remember your wedding with is family drama that ends in a fight!”- HariSeldon1986
“Asking someone who can’t handle her drink not to drink at your wedding is not unreasonable.”
“Her acting like not drinking for a few hours is you acting completely unreasonable is actually sounds like she’s got a drinking problem if she can’t go without drinking for a few hours for her own daughter’s wedding so let’s say a day without drinking is a huge issue.”- jess1804
“The problem here is that you can control your mom’s alcohol intake.”
“If you prohibit her from drinking at the wedding, she might pregame, or she might smuggle in her own hooch.”
“While you are trying to prevent your mother from making a scene at your wedding, you may have just given her a challenge.”
“A better course would have been to simply not invite her.”
“And if she complained, you let her know it is because of her excessive drinking and that the matter is closed.”- VerySurlyPerson
“Her getting mad at the thought of not drinking is an obvious sign of an alcoholic.”
“Since she has shown bad behavior while drunk, you are within your lane to place that no drinking boundary.”- thesocksrock
“It’s your special day you don’t need it to be ruin because your mother can’t hold in her liquor.”-Aestheticlays
“But I promise you she won’t adhere to it if you invite her.”
“Be sure to communicate with the venue in advance and provide the bartenders with her picture and instructions not to serve her at all.”- lefkoz
“It’s a reasonable request and it’s your wedding.”
“If your mother wants to do what she wants, she can do it somewhere other than your wedding.”-Rstar2247
“My extended family has big drinkers and they are always defensive when it comes to drinking during parties.”
“There will be always an argument when there is sober party unless there is a specific area/part managed for drinkers.”- SarkastiCat
“Be sure to have a designated bouncer at the wedding.”
“She may show up blotto or try to sneak a flask.”-Traveling-Techie
“Don’t let anyone ruin your day.”
“I’m not saying to being that controlling bridezilla.”
“But requesting an alcoholic mother stay sober is within your right and reason.”
“Stick to your guns.”
“Boundary’s are important.”- 55gems
It’s heartbreaking when a mother isn’t present to see their daughter get married.
Particularly when they are alive and well, and choose not to.
One only hopes the OP’s mother might realize before the wedding day how much she will likely regret not being present at her daughter’s wedding all because she couldn’t drink.