As lovely as it would be for our friends and family to always support us during our major milestones, some people can’t look beyond their own beliefs in order to do that.
Their lack of support can cause a rift in the relationship or ruin a special occasion, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Because of this, Redditor throwo_2728 decided to not involve her parents on her wedding day, since they did not agree with who she was marrying or adopting.
But when her family criticized her for her secrecy, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have handled the situation differently.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not telling my parents I got married?”
The OP had a wonderful relationship with her wife and son.
“I (28 Female) have been with my wife Allie (32 Female) for four years now, but we’ve known each other for nearly five.”
“My wife was pregnant when I met her and she’d just gotten out of a relationship, so it’s not like she was looking for a partner at the time, and I wasn’t either, but it was impossible not to fall for her.”
“She’s an incredible woman. She lights up every room she walks in. I remember meeting her and wondering how anyone could have ever just let this person go because she seemed too good to be real.”
“We spent time together as friends first, then eventually became roommates. People would just assume we were a couple, and honestly, we’d become one without even realizing it.”
“It just felt so natural to be with each other, so we had our first date literally a week before the baby was born, and I just knew that I was going to love them both for the rest of my life.”
But the OP’s parents didn’t feel the same way about Allie at all.
“My parents didn’t approve of me dating a single mother, much less deciding to parent a child with her who wasn’t ‘really’ mine.”
“I told them numerous times that I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be with her, and I wanted to be a mom to our son, so while I appreciated the concern, I wasn’t going to change my mind.”
“Despite saying this to them, they still continued to make remarks about Allie, our relationship, and sometimes even stated that my son would never be family in their eyes.”
“Eventually, I stopped coming around to see them.”
Because of all of this, the OP made a tough decision on her wedding day.
“Allie and I never really planned to get officially married, as we have plenty of legal documents binding us to each other (the house, my adopting our son, joint bank accounts, etc.).”
“But then we were just kind of lying in bed one day in June and thought, ‘It’s Pride month, why the h**l not?'”
“So we got the paperwork and everything done and then last week had a small ceremony hosted at my SIL’s (sister-in-law’s) house with our friends and Allie’s family.”
“I did not consider telling my parents, as they never approved of my relationship with Allie, and I’m not close with them anymore anyway. I didn’t think they’d have anything to say about it that I wanted to hear.”
But then the OP’s family spoke up.
“Well, Allie ended up posting a picture of our son from the wedding in his little suit with rainbow frosting smeared all over his face.”
“I guess someone in my family must’ve seen the picture because now I’ve been receiving nonstop texts and phone calls from relatives about how hurt and betrayed my parents feel about the fact that I didn’t tell them I got married.”
“The same parents who have expressed that they didn’t like my spouse, and would never see my child as their grandson.”
“I told Allie about what was happening, and she said that she understood why I didn’t tell them and that she supports my decision to do that, but she also thinks a text informing them at the very least wouldn’t have hurt.”
“I’m not sure now if just not telling them at all was the wrong thing to do.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said there was no reason for the parents to attend if they weren’t supportive.
“Look, they can’t have it both ways. They can’t simultaneously be disrespectful and dismissive of you, your wife, your son, and your relationship, then act hurt and offended that they weren’t invited to your wedding.”
“They had plenty of time in the last 4 years to come around. Have they even attempted to form a grandparently bond with your son?”
“They are entitled to their feelings but if they confront you just remind them that they were never supportive of your relationship and so you didn’t invite them because they made their feelings about your choices very clear and you didn’t want their disapproval to ruin your special day.”
“They have no one but themselves to blame.” – ANBU_Black_0ps
“Oh… so NOW they are hurt and betrayed. Gee, that was big of them to have so much ‘what about MY feelings’ when all they had for you both was criticism.”
“Life’s too short to live with negative people like that.”
“Congratulations on your marriage. In fact, congratulations on all the things!”
“NTA. You’re doing fine.” – Nevyn-57
“Why would you want people at your wedding that do not approve of your relationship? They made it clear to you their views of your wife and son.”
“They were the ones who pushed you away. It is their fault, not yours.” – Fun-Two-1414
“NTA. They made it clear they didn’t approve, and even went as far as to disown your child. Telling them about the wedding honestly would have just caused stress and hurt feelings on the big day.”
“Getting married is about you, and your partner, not your toxic family. I understand why they’re hurt, but they should’ve thought about the consequences of their actions before saying such hurtful things.” – AdSweaty7131
“You tell the people harassing you: ‘My parents made it clear to me years ago that they disapproved of me dating a single mom and would never ever consider my son family because of this. We’ve been estranged for years because of this and they’ve never reached out to apologize for their words.'”
“Then add, ‘I’m shocked you all are harassing me to tell me I hurt their feelings. Why would I invite people who disapprove and don’t agree with my lifestyle to my wedding? Why would I subject my wife and son to that?'”
“Then point out, ‘And why am I hearing from you about how hurt they are, but to this day, I haven’t received a single text from my parents? Maybe get the full story next time before you start blindly harassing someone.'”
“NTA.” – excel_pager_420
A few thought the parents’ feelings were all a charade anyway.
“NTA. I don’t think the family is actually hurt, so much as they know they look bad for not being invited to their own child’s wedding.”
“Why else are the extended family raining down now when they seemingly weren’t involved/aware before? The parents are loudly covering up their dirty little secret to save face.” – myBOfuelsmissiles
“Maybe I am wrong, but it sounds more like they wanted to save face. So, when people found out about your wedding, they asked your parents, and they then made up the story about how hurt they are, etc.” – Ok_Possibility5715
“The flying monkeys are out as the parents try to save face. They showed OP their true colors and didn’t like that OP refused to allow their wife and son subjected to that pain.”
“If OP has texts showing that their parents said those hateful things, I’d send them screenshots and say, ‘This is why they weren’t invited.’ It’ll also show what little contact exists depending on the time stamps.” – Next-Status8671
Others gently agreed with the OP’s wife that she could have sent a text.
“NTA for not inviting your family, but it would have been better to at least send a text afterward to avoid just this sort of drama. Please accept my congratulations and best wishes, and the gentlest, softest YTA possible.” – columbospeugeot
“Soft NTA, letting them at least know would have given them the choice to perhaps reconsider their views.”
“It’s not enough to call you an AH, but I can also understand why they feel hurt.” – Certain-Thought531
“NTA. But I agree with your wife. I think you should’ve been the first to tell them, not social media.” – Rose_Archway
“That first paragraph was lovely. Just… everything romantic and perfect.”
“Now, to your question. Telling your parents would have prevented the drama but no, NTA for not telling them.”
“They don’t support you, your wife, or your son. You get to decide how much of a relationship you want with them.” – OLDLADY88888
“You’re not an AH for not inviting them, period.”
“You’re not an AH for not telling them about it afterward either, so long as you didn’t care if their feelings were hurt, and don’t expect them to have a relationship with you anymore.”
“You are an AH if you thought they would not feel hurt, or if you think of them as still your parents, relationship-wise.”
“Actions have consequences. If you knew the consequences would be as they are, and don’t care about it, then I don’t blame you for not telling them. If you thought otherwise, then I think you’re foolish to have done so.”
“Since I don’t know which one is the case, I’ll have to default to NTA.”
“Obviously, your parents are AHs for how they treated your wife and child.” – witcher_rat
While the sub could agree that telling the parents might have saved the OP some time and drama, they also agreed that completing informing her parents or inviting them was not something the OP needed to do.
Since the parents were not interested in otherwise having a relationship with the OP and her family, there wasn’t a reason for the OP to compromise her special day.