There are certain things that should be an immediate deal breaker in any friendship, no matter how important or long-lasting the friendship was.
Being horribly ableist is definitely one of those deal breakers, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DeafOverHear noticed that his friendship was losing its luster ever since his friend married a woman who did not treat him very well, clearly because he was Deaf.
But when she went so far as to "forget" to serve him because he was "too quiet," and his friend didn't defend him, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to walk away from the friendship.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to acknowledge my best friend's wife?"
The OP was concerned by what was happening to his relationship with his best friend.
"I (24 Male) have been having issues with my best friend's (23 Male) wife (20 Female) for months now."
"From the first day we met, she judged me. First it was, because I couldn't attend their wedding. I was working remotely in a different country at the time. I apologized repeatedly and ordered them a pizza oven for a wedding gift."
"These were little remarks that my girlfriend (23 Female) could hear in the background of our phone calls. She would write down what she heard for me since I'm deaf. My phone is capable of translating audio calls into text on my screen, but it can only pick up so much, and for the most part, I rely on context clues."
"It had gotten more ridiculous when I returned to the States and finally met her. She didn't realize that I was Deaf. She started yelling (for the record, we can tell) and ignored my girlfriend who tried to explain that yelling is rude. It's much easier to read lips when you speak normally."
"Any other time when we would meet up (which I made sure wasn't often), she wouldn't look at me when speaking. She was relying on my girlfriend to translate, which my girlfriend shouldn't have to do. I'm capable of reading lips. Again, also rude to do even if I had a certified translator with me."
The OP realized the friendship was going to end because his friend did nothing to defend him against his wife's behavior.
"Last night at game night broke the straw for me. His wife offered to order dinner for all of us."
"When the driver dropped off the delivery, she didn't order anything for me. She apologized and said, 'Well, I forgot he was here since he's so quiet.'"
"I had never been embarrassed to be Deaf until that moment, which is saying a lot, because I was born Deaf."
"My girlfriend shared her dinner with me. I ignored his wife for the rest of the night, and we called it early. My girlfriend lied and told them she had an important meeting to prepare for."
"His wife (I think he asked her to) had been texting me with half-baked apologies that I have been ignoring."
"This caught the attention of my best friend, who texted me asking why I was being mean and ignoring her. He said that she was sorry for what happened and that she wasn't lying about me being quiet. He told me that I shouldn't get so butthurt over a few comments."
"I have been ignoring him, too. I don't think making fun of me or the Deaf/Hard-of-Hearing community is funny."
"Am I wrong for acting sensitive to this and ignoring them both? I don't want to throw away our friendship, but I feel like it's for the best."
"My girlfriend is supportive of removing ourselves from them or for forgiving them and moving forward."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the OP was upset and why he wanted to create distance.
"She said she was sorry for what happened? No, she wasn't. And even if she were, you are more important than she is. Take care of yourself first. NTA." - atmasabr
"Telling a deaf person, 'oopsie, you don't get any food because you were 'so quiet'' is one of the most obtuse, ignorant and flat out disrespectful things I've seen in quite a while. That is next-level a**holery."
"The friend downplaying it, calling OP mean for ignoring the shitty apologies of his AH wife, and calling OP butthurt warrants an instant end to this friendship in my book. Friend is as much of an AH as his terrible wife."
"I'd have told her 'oh, you didn't notice me here? I might be deaf, but apparently you're blind.'" - Fleurtheleast
"Also, if you're hosting and didn't order enough food, why wouldn't the host give the guest their food, and the host can find something else from the kitchen to eat. If it really was a mistake, the girlfriend could have easily compensated for it during the evening. Waiting to apologize until after the guest leaves is a bad look (at best)." - Cake-Tea-Life
"And if I did forget to order food for op, which I wouldn't have, because I make sure that all of my guests are acknowledged and taken care of. But if I did, I would be so embarrassed and so upset with myself. I would be apologizing profusely in that moment and offering them my dinner, and just eat leftovers or whatever I could find in my kitchen for myself. Or order more food as soon as possible."
"OP is right. His friend made his wife apologize, that's why it came a day late. And now they are mad OP is ignoring them too late, half a**ed 'I'm sorry.'"
"I don't think I could continue my friendship with them unless they both can admit that the wife was openly rude to OP and that 'forgetting' OP's dinner was not a mistake at all but just another one of her 'let's be a mean girl to the deaf guy' moments."
"And the friend apologizes for him letting his wife treat op this way, while saying nothing. The wife needs to admit she was a 'see you next Tuesday' to him and apologize, and mean it. And they both promise to do better."
"And if they continue after that, I'd be done anyway. And if they can't admit what they did, then Bye. NTA." - Frequent_Couple5498
Others were cringing, sure that the friendship was over.
"Sometimes people can't see anything wrong with their partners. If he were going to realize his girlfriend is an a**hole, he'd have done it already. NTA." - DontWannaSayMyName
"NTA. I don't think he cares. In fact, he cosigned. He even said, 'She didnt order for you because you are so quiet, and she wasn't lying,' he agreed with her stance that he's easily forgotten because he's quiet."
"For someone who's been friends with a hard-of-hearing person for years, why now, all of a sudden, is OP easy to look over because he's quiet?"
"Friend didn't overlook op before his wife. I'm sure op is just as quiet now as when they met. Nope. The friend is worse than his wife, because he's snubbing a friend for a shallow piece of a**." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"I really don't get these posts that say, 'My best friend,' like... I would tell my best friend right to their face. Who are people saying is their best friend? Do you hang out once every few years?"
"I guess best is relative but come on. If your relationship was worth it, you'd be comfortable communicating about this. If not, then you sort of answer your own question, 'Is the slight / disrespect worth the friendship,' like no, not for you obviously." - saxguy9345
"I think ultimately OP just needs to let this one go (and end the friendship). His friend is not going to get a divorce over this, and he has to live with his wife. If he hasn't already come in with full support for OP, he's just not going to, and he's not going to take well to OP pushing it."
"Friend and friend's wife know exactly what she was doing, and neither is sorry, or at least not sorry enough to respond earnestly. Nothing for OP to gain by pushing it except drama with people who have already chosen to throw the friendship under the bus. Best thing for OP to do is block both their numbers and get on with life." - oditogre
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"A mutual friend of ours texted me asking why I was invited to the kickback over the weekend. She wanted to talk to my girlfriend about getting a tattoo from her."
"I explained that I am distancing myself from them for being disrespected. We got into a whole conversation about what happened."
"She was either checking up on me or getting the hot tea. This friend is known to gossip. She did share information on the reason for the marriage."
"She said they got married, because his wife was pregnant. She was shocked to see that his wife was heavily drinking at the party. The drunk wife babbled on about how she hated me for not going to wedding or even giving them a gift. That I really hurt my friend's feelings."
"I informed her that I gifted them a pizza oven, because I felt awful. I truly would have liked to be his best man."
"This friend told me that his wife said the pizza oven was from her ex, who wanted her back. She was bragging about having two men fighting over her like she was such a prize."
"I'm so grateful that my girlfriend and I are dropping those two like a hot potato."
Some reassured the OP that he was doing the right thing by walking away.
"Stay the f**k away from all this crazy, for f**k's sake." - Key-Atmosphere-7870
"Some situations just aren't worth the headache or the drama. Know your worth and don't waste energy on chaos that drags you down. Keep your circle tight and your peace intact." - Constant_Turnover569
"Imagine being close enough to a Deaf person to call them your best friend and want them as your best man, then just let your significant other carry on like Karen the Ableist Bank Teller..."
"I mean, I feel sorry for your (ex) best friend since he's apparently stuck with this woman for eighteen years, but wow, he needs to find a spine." - atterysquash
"Glad you're walking away from the drama. You were kind, they were messy. Better off without them." - kawaiisprinklesx
"As a married woman in her 30s: this little girl isn't mature enough to handle a real a** marriage. They are probably one of those id**ts that like the IDEA of marriage because they think people will look at them more as being 'mature adults'..."
"Anywho, good for you for standing your ground and blocking dumbass people who disturb your peace. Just for my own peace of mind, I would have told that ex-friend of yours that YOU gave them that gift, what his immature, bratty wife is telling others, and tell him good luck being married to such an immature person."
"And tell everyone the real a** reason first hand why you are going no contact with them so they can't twist it into you being jealous of them being married or even being in love with that girl." - These-Process-7331
The subreddit was furious on the OP's behalf and glad that he was walking away from this "friendship" and the woman his former friend was dating.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.