It's all fun and games until there is injury.
Trying to keep young children occupied can be a burden.
They are in constant need of stimulation.
But they are boundaries for how fun can be made.
Case in point...
Redditor ThrowRACaneGirl wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA For Moving Out Cause My Family Keeps Playing With My Cane?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (17 F[emale]) still live with my mom, my step-dad, and my two half-siblings (5 M[ale] and 7 F)."
"My dad died when I was 5, driving me to the hospital (Mom didn't want to pay for an ambulance)."
"He died in the crash and my leg and spine got busted up in a way that has left me needing a cane pretty much ever since."
"My stepdad's always been a little distant with me."
"He likes to make jokes about how I'm an 'early blooming black widow.'"
"I think he gets that from my mom, who blames me for my dad's death."
"I do too, it is my fault after all, so I don't push back on it."
"Anyway, the point is that with the current situation my parents are always looking for ways to get my half siblings active and doing things without leaving the house, and have recently settled on scavenger hunts."
"I have no problem with this honestly."
"I wish they'd stop hiding stuff in my underwear drawer, but it's a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old so that's not the worst."
"My problem though is that they keep taking my cane when I'm not looking."
"I tend to get lost in my homework and my writing hobby and zone out."
"And then having it be one of the items that my half-siblings have to find."
"When I complain to my step-dad (he's a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] D[ad] so is usually the one running these things) he scolds me for being selfish and points out that my swivel chair has wheels if I need the bathroom."
"And that they always get it to me before I have to go downstairs for dinner."
"I tried my mom yesterday, and she said that I was being a brat and that if I wanted a father who cared about me I shouldn't have killed my dad."
"I got really upset at that point and called my grandparents (my mom's parents, Dad's are dead too)."
"They showed up at 10 PM yesterday, and Grandma screamed at them while Grandpa packed my stuff up and helped me out to their car."
"My mom's been blowing up my phone and email, calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of turning her family against her and trying to get her in legal trouble since minors can't move out."
"And I can't help but think that maybe she's right."
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Oh honey no."
"You didn't kill your dad. It isn't your fault."
"Accidents are accidents because they aren't your fault."
"Your mother is unbelievably awful for the way she has been treating you and allowing you to be treated."
"Please stay with your grandparents."
"And if you have access, maybe seek out a therapist to help you work through all this guilt you're holding onto.
"More than anything, I send you hugs."
"Oh and, NTA. In any way shape or form."
"Do not go back to that abusive house." ~ BUTTeredWhiteBread
"By this same logic, it should be your mom's fault if she didn't want to pay for an ambulance. Jesus."
"NTA all the way and tons of hugs for you."
"Please take care of yourself and don't go back there." ~ Ann-Laen
"And quite frankly, this is probably why the mom is focused on blaming OP, to avoid poking at that thought too much."
"She clearly needs to come to terms with that, but it'll probably never happen. NTA." ~ Ann-Laen
OP gave a few more deets...
"I caused him to need to be in the car though."
"I wasn't sick, I'd injured myself jumping off the stairs cause I thought my Supergirl costume would make me fly."
"I didn't cause the accident itself, but it's my fault he was in the accident."
"I appreciate the hugs and the verdict though."
Reddit continued...
"Hell, with this logic you can keep going back further than that."
"It was actually the mom's and dad's fault for having a child in the first place that would end up thinking and doing that that put them in the car on the way to the hospital."
"If you are using that kind of logic there is no end to the blame, which is why it is a flawed way of thinking and one of the many reasons why she isn't responsible for her dad's death." ~ vman411gamer
"You were 5."
"It is not a five-year-old's responsibility to be aware of dangerous situations and avoid them- they are quite literally incapable of the judgment required to keep themselves safe."
"That is why we require 5-year-olds to be under adult supervision at most if not all times."
"Your adults failed to supervise you properly."
"Your mother chose to send your father out on an icy night rather than call an ambulance."
"She, who has the abusive GALL to blame you, is far more responsible for the accident than you, the CHILD, were."
"You were not at fault."
"It was not your fault."
"Your silly five-year-old game is not to blame here- your mother's carelessness with supervision and with your life and your father's life on icy roads IS."
"She blames you unfairly because otherwise she'd have to take responsibility for her own actions, and she's selfish enough to prefer hurting and scapegoating her own CHILD to that." ~ Katja1236
"This, SO MUCH this."
"OP, look. I'm a teacher."
"I'm the daughter of a child psychologist and a professor of child development- between them they had more than 70 years of teaching before they retired."
"I studied child development at university and I volunteer with kids with cognitive delays and disabilities."
"Can you accept that I might have a background in how kids think?"
"At five, children DO NOT have the physical OR cognitive development to gauge risk."
"The PHYSICAL parts of your brain that do 'abstract risk analysis' literally have NOT developed."
"They aren't there."
"That's why, after being told 439 times 'don't touch the stove, it's hot', kids still do it - until they're burned, it's abstract, and while they can LEARN 'don't do what I'm told not to', that's following instructions, not making a judgment call."
"On top of that, kids don't have a good cognitive (reasoning/thinking) understanding of the difference between 'reality' and 'fantasy.'"
"This is NORMAL."
"Because kids' worlds are limited to what they've experienced, anything they hear about/see in books/tv/games/etc."
"is POSSIBLE - after all, it's being shown to them, isn't it?"
"Pretending to BE the characters is not only normal, it's IMPORTANT - 'hero play' is an essential part of how kids determine 'good and bad' or 'right and wrong.'"
"It's stepping into the shoes of someone who embodies behaviors that we want kids to learn... how to be good people."
"For a five-year-old, assuming the costume would let you fly is INCREDIBLY normal - it's standard behavior."
"I'd be willing to bet that half the people on this thread did it - I did."
"Now, I did it by jumping off a dock, not off stairs, so my landing was probably softer - but then, I couldn't swim, so it was also riskier."
"My dad ruined a brand new pair of custom shoes (he has special orthotics and they used to have to be built into shoes."
"They were hundreds of dollars a pair, and this was almost 40 years ago), and a brand new camera with a telephoto lense that I know (now) my mom saved up for a YEAR to buy."
"Oh, and he lost his glasses, which meant he was blind as a bat and those weren't cheap either."
"All in all, I figure that stunt probably cost my parents a year's worth of personal disposable income."
"But I don't know that for certain because THEY NEVER BLAMED ME."
"They recognized that I was FIVE."
"I was acting like a FIVE-YEAR-OLD and that while I had made a lousy choice, it was an ENTIRELY predictable kid choice."
"And they should have been keeping an eye on me (my dad was taking photos of a sunset, and my mom was nursing my incredibly fussy eight-month-old sibling)."
"There were consequences for me."
"I had disobeyed them (I seem to remember arguing that I didn't deserve them because they said 'don't go in the water' and I hadn't MEANT to go in the water, I had meant to fly over it...)."
"But I wasn't punished for damaging my dad's stuff; the consequences were the 'usual ones' for disobeying an instruction."
"I want to say I lost dessert for the rest of the trip and no treats at the store for two weeks?"
"That sounds about right."
"OP, you are not responsible for what happened to your dad."
"It's a tragedy, and it's horrible, and it's incredibly unfair, BUT YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT TO HAPPEN."
"OP, you need to have a conversation with your grandparents, and I want you to ask them to find you a Psychologist, or a Councillor."
"You have had TWELVE YEARS of lies poured into you, twelve years of guilt and blame and anger directed to you, and you need to work with a professional to learn how to counteract that."
"Your mother is WRONG."
"And honestly, I don't care at this point about her feelings, her guilt, her whatever the F*&^ she was feeling: SHE ABUSED YOU by making you feel like this was your fault and you need professional assistance to help you grow from this."
"What your mother did was WRONG, more, it was EVIL (and I don't use that word lightly)."
"She forced something on you that was never yours and used it to hurt you."
"OP, you're NTA."
"But more importantly, OP, you're NOT AT FAULT - not for any of it."
"You need to find a professional to help you rewire these paths your mom has laid down - the ones that say "I did this horrible thing and because of that I deserve to be treated the way I am.'"
"They're wrong, and dangerous and damaging you."
"Good luck!" ~ Sashi-Dice
"100000x this!! You got a messed up family if they for one second think it's ok to have you think your dad's death was in any way your fault."
"NTA at all." ~ dbohat
Well OP, Reddit is loud and clear.
They're with you and deeply concerned for you.
Here's hoping you find peace.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp