Mom Refuses To Attend Single Mom Daughter's 'Marriage Of Convenience' Wedding To Much Older Man

Content Warning: Age Gap, Age Gap Shaming, Marriage of Convenience

Generally when we think of two people getting married, we imagine two very happy people who are deeply in love and eager to start their lives together.

But sometimes marriage can be much more practical than that, even if it doesn't carry with it the same romantic flair, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

A Redditor, who has since deleted her account, arrived at her daughter's engagement party, only to discover that her 26-year-old daughter was seeing a 48-year-old man, and she was shocked.

When she started investigating and discovered it was a marriage of convenience, the Original Poster (OP) stated that she could not support the union by attending the ceremony.

She asked the sub:

"AITAH for telling my daughter that my conscience can't allow me to be at her wedding?"

The OP's daughter was doing quite well for herself.

"I (51 Female) have a daughter, Eliza (26 Female). She got pregnant at a very early age (20), when she was just in college, and the father bailed out of their life."

"Now, I have a five-year-old grandson, Mike, who I adore."

"Eliza lives in a different state, so I don't see her that often except for video calls. She works at a pretty high-earning job and can make ends meet."

But the OP did not feel as positive about her daughter's dating choices.

"Recently, she told me that she's been seeing someone for about a year, who actually makes her happy and content."

"I was a bit shocked and hurt that she didn't mention it to me, but she invited me to her engagement party, and said that she'd keep the identity of her fiancé a secret."

"Color me shocked when I go and find out that her fiancé is a 48-year-old man."

"I had to resist all my urges to not scream out and faint at that very moment."

"Eliza's fiancé treated her incredibly kindly, and they were supposedly very much in love, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong."

The OP began to poke around for the truth about the relationship.

"After the engagement party was over, I took Eliza aside and asked her what the matter was."

"Eliza admitted that she had been suffering problems at her job and that money had been a bit tight for her recently."

"She said that she met her fiancé, Jim, at a party of a mutual friend, and that they instantly became close friends, and that Jim was very good and bonded well with Mike."

"Jim is the CEO of his own company, and Eliza proposed a marriage of convenience to him, and he accepted."

The OP could not accept her daughter's wedding plans.

"My mind is partially eased, but I also feel incredibly bad for my daughter. She'll now be tied for the rest of her life to a man who doesn't love her and is almost twice her age (almost my age)."

"When she asked me if I would be there for the wedding, I said no, and that she has my blessing, but my conscience can't allow me to stand and see my daughter get married to a man the age of her father."

"She got angry and left."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some understood why the OP was so shocked and admitted they couldn't agree to this arrangement.

"The age gap is hard to swallow. A lot of successful marriages are based on meeting each other's needs. She is receiving security, and he's receiving companionship. They're going into it with their eyes open."

"I couldn't do it, but I see the practicality. 100 years ago, I don't think we'd be having this discussion; it was just a way of life." - zaftig_stig

"She is pimping herself out. She wants his money. He wants a bang-maid."

"And after just one year, they wouldn't know each other all that well. They don't love each other."

"Mum has the right to not approve. I certainly don't approve." - fgbTNTJJsunn

"People should not be expected to go to weddings where they don't celebrate the marriage, especially when the wedding is basically one big lie to the guests. Sounds like a great way to cash grab for two people who don't even need it. NTA." - cgrobin1

"I don't think you're an a**hole, and I can understand the concern for her. There are almost certainly some predatory/power dynamic aspects of this that are concerning, but if he truly is a nice man (behind closed doors, too), then I think you need to let her make her own mistakes."

"If she's made up her mind to go through with the marriage, the only thing you'll accomplish by freezing her out is permanently damaging your relationship with her." - Salt-Tear-7876

"Marriage for convenience, but what does he get out of this? If it's physical intimacy, wouldn't he just leave her for someone younger in the future?"

"I understand the mom's reason for being uneasy; I would too. However, if there is a solid legal contract that protects her from being replaced in the future, then why not?"

"She's a grown woman and seems to have done well in the past. However, you do have the right to object and not be at the wedding. So NTA." - Abject_Taste_3597

Others pointed out that as long as the couple was aware of the arrangement's implications and were both happy with it, it was acceptable. 

"She isn't kidding herself; she's a single mom with a five-year-old, so it's not like her options are totally unlimited (most men you'd actually want her dating in her age range are going to run screaming from a single mom)."

"And he gets a young, presumably attractive-to-him, wife and a ready-made family with a kindergartner, and she's, unlike women in his age group, young enough for a younger sibling to be a possibility. He's financially secure, not something super-common among men in her age cohort."

"They're both going into it eyes open. If anything, they're a lot smarter than clueless romantics who think infatuation is enough." - jquailJ36

"My grandparents were a marriage of convenience, two single parents trying to survive and protect their kids the best they could. If their families had reacted like, 'No, no family for you if you're not in LOVE,' there would be nothing healthy about that." - Beginning_Cow_972

"As long as both people in the marriage are understanding and accepting of the other's motives for entering the marriage, there's no abuse in the home and those in the home (including children) are happy and healthy."

"Just accept it. You can have your own feelings and trepidations, but protesting because your 'conscience' doesn't understand marriages of convenience isn't going to do anything positive for your relationship with your daughter or grandson. NAH." - Sea_Roof3637

"'The rest of her life,' what the f**k? Divorce is a thing, you know. This isn't 1955."

"If she's willingly entering a marriage of convenience, she will be one step ahead to leaving it if it ever gets abusive or difficult. The women who make me want to scream are the ones who love their abusers."

"Go and support your daughter, remind her you're always there for her, and if the convenience part gets difficult, that you'd be willing to support her no matter what happens."

"YTA." - tortie_shell_meow

"NAH, do what you feel is right, BUT, my husband is 21 years older than I am, and we have been happily married for 14 years. I was also 26 when we got married. My parents love him. It may not be right for everyone, but it can absolutely work."

"It sounds like your daughter has learned a thing or two about commitment from her previous relationships and is taking a more practical approach with this one."

"Jim may just want a family to come home to at the end of the day. He doesn't HAVE to marry her or anyone, and in his position, he can pay for his needs to be met. If he is choosing to do this and he treats her and your grandson well, where's the harm for anyone? Friendship and honesty are the best things to build a marriage on."

"AND if you are concerned about future problems, staying on good terms with your daughter means she will be more likely to talk to you if she has a problem and put you in a better position to help her." - Tallisina

"People get married for all sorts of reasons. It sounds like you have to battle between staying true to your views on marriage and maintaining a relationship with your daughter."

"If it's purely a marriage on convenience, she might not be upset if you're missing, but I would try and talk it through with her if it's possible and find out how she feels about you not being there before I made that decision."

"I can see where you're coming from, but please remember that if she is deeply hurt by your absence at her wedding, you will never be able to take that back." - Consistent_Sky5986

On a slightly different note, some cautioned the OP not to be too judgmental if she wanted to maintain a relationship with her daughter, and by extension, her grandson.

"Something to consider: blowing up your relationship with your daughter could blow up your relationship with the grandson you adore."

"And if she ever needs help, she might not come to you after this." - Unlv1983

"I don't know if that's the right call; is your daughter upset about this? Because there's nothing wrong if both of them are aware it's for convenience's sake."

"Not everyone is fortunate enough to marry for love; some people either have to settle and luckily, your daughter at least found something that works for her. She isn't pimping herself out; she is committing to this man, and sure, it's not for love, but she is making a promise and so is he."

"If they have mutual respect for each other and some love, whether platonic or not, I think she is allowed to be happy with it."

"For me, I would do something similar as romantic love is very low on my bar of priorities, I would much rather have a marriage to a good person who I can be happy with than with someone I'm extremely attracted to but will ruin my life. I get that it's weird for you, but not all people are meant for a normal marriage dynamic."

"Maybe you guys should talk more so you can see her perspective." - FreeReflection5259

"As a daughter on her second marriage (of almost 25 years), I was shocked when my Dad admitted to me he knew the first wouldn't last. However, he walked me down the aisle, anticipating I'd experience the hard life lesson, and he was THERE when I needed the support."

"Had he taken a different approach, we might not have the bond we do, or worse, the line he drew in the sand might not be one I'd be willing to cross again. I love and appreciate how hard that was for him, and I'm thankful he had the guts to do it."

"I honestly hope this all works out for you and your daughter." - AmbitiousCustard1037

"I think that I am getting a very different vibe from this post than most people. It seems like OP is not an easy parent to have. Very judging and possibly overbearing."

"There was the pregnant 'very young' at 20 and then the dismissive 'he skipped out' comment. The daughter probably hasn't actually spoken properly to her mum for ages, since she left and took her child to another state. It suggests they definitely are not close."

"And here is OP acting all horrified and shocked when she meets this new partner (great response, mum!). I'd also strongly suggest that there is A LOT of backstory missed out here."

"Unlike most Redditors, I'm going YTA because you don't get to choose who your adult daughter decides to spend her life with." - NevynTheFirst

"I'm going to give you some advice from someone who's been in a similar situation, with a child and then grandchildren who didn't always marry the people you wish they would."

"Here's the deal: you raise them and hope for the best, but they make their own choices. You just need to let them know that you will always love them. And if that means that you go to her wedding even if you don't approve of her choice, then my advice is to suck it up and be there with her. Trust me, if/when she needs you later, she'll remember it."

"Like I said, this is just my opinion, based on personal experience. Turns out in each case that bridges weren't burned when my help was needed later." - JustUgh2323

This situation left the subReddit divided between who was comfortable with the concept of the wedding of convenience arrangement and who was not.

But one point that all could agree on, which the OP would hopefully consider, was that this was the daughter's life and not the OP's, and if the OP wanted to stay in her daughter's and grandson's life, she better do what she can to show that she'll be there for her daughter no matter what, and no matter how this wedding arrangement turns out.