For people who want to have children, infertility is a heartbreaking struggle with grief. Their loved ones want to be supportive.
But as with all types of grieving, other people's lives can't stop.
With the grief of infertility, this often means watching friends and family get pregnant and give birth.
A woman whose sister-in-law is struggling with how to deal with her grief turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Square-Spirit7985 asked:
"AITA if I uninvite my sister-in-law (SIL) from my baby shower because she's infertile and is always sad about whenever we talk about babies?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) am 29 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins (a boy and a girl). I was lucky enough to get pregnant almost immediately after going off birth control."
"My SIL (38, female), who I'll call Jane, has fertility issues and has not been able to have a baby after more than a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF."
"A few days ago, my family all came over to my house to hang out. I told them that I finished decorating my nursery and my mom, sister, and other SIL all wanted to see it, so I took them in to see it."
"Jane looked unhappy when I mentioned the nursery and said she'd rather not see it. She went out to the porch while we went inside."
"We stayed in the nursery for a while and eventually Jane came in because it was too hot outside."
"We were talking about babies (sister and other SIL both have young children) and Jane looked a bit uncomfortable with the conversation. My sister said that I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying."
"After that, Jane started crying and left the room. We all went after her to talk to her, and she said she feels awful having to constantly hear about our babies."
"She went on a long rant about how she feels excluded because she's the only one of us without a child now."
"She thinks our mom treats her like she's less than my sister and other SIL because they have kids and now that I'm pregnant, we don't talk about anything but kids."
"She said it's insensitive when we know that she's infertile. She was like this for all of my sister's and SIL's pregnancy, too."
"She insists on coming to all the gender reveals and baby showers and birthday parties but spends all her time there wallowing in her misery and even starts crying sometimes."
"I kind of want to uninvite her from my baby shower next week because I'm scared she'll ruin the vibe."
"Would I be the a**hole if I did that?"
"I feel bad for her, but she can't keep bringing negativity to all of our celebrations."
"I told my mom that I want to uninvite her, and she said I shouldn't because she's family, and we need to support her instead of excluding her even more."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because she's sad about being infertile and I'm choosing to exclude her from an event instead of supporting her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I don't actually think this does show insensitivity and lack of awareness."
"This isn't OP's friend, this is OP's SIL. Family gatherings with the in-laws generally include the kids because they are family gatherings."
"I've never been invited over by my husband's family for a kid-free movie day, book club, or crafting session. I do spend kid-free time, yes."
"But not with my in-laws. We aren't people who grew close due to common interests. They are the people who are related to my husband."
"While I do expect to be included in family time, I don't expect them to organize non-family hobby time with me. We don't even share any hobbies."
"So if they had Thanksgiving and I wasn't invited, that would be insensitive. But my MIL is not organizing a craft session or book club for me. That's incredibly normal."
"SIL should not be expecting her husband's family to exclude family members—the kids are members of the family—and organize adult-only friend hangouts for her. That's what her friends are for." ~ TheHatOnTheCat
"NTA, but why not say to Jane you want to acknowledge how she might be feeling? That you want to invite her but wondered whether she'd prefer some one on one time before the baby comes."
"Perhaps a spa day or the theatre. Something to tell her she's important to you. When the baby comes it will be harder to give her that—you can let her know you wanted her to know she matters too before things have to change." ~ thisplaceispeanuts
"I agree that OP should probably just talk to her, but the tricky thing here—and I imagine why a conversation hasn't happened yet—is that her SIL may be the type of person who says something like, 'No, no, of course I want to come. I'm so happy for you both. I want to be there for you', and then has a breakdown and ruins the day."
"I sympathize with the SIL, though I can't imagine how she feels, it's hard to tell what kind of person she is. Is she a drama queen who enjoys the attention?"
"Or is she genuinely unaware of how she is impacting the people around her with her misery? That may be insensitive, but OP and her other relatives are allowed to have days to celebrate themselves and their babies."
"Now, that doesn't mean that all events need to be 'baby-centric'. I have a baby, and my whole life doesn't revolve around him."
"I bring him with me most places, but I have conversations that aren't about him."
"OP's family may need to reevaluate their conversation topics, because if they are making the children the main focus of family gatherings, then that would be upsetting for the SIL, not to mention add even more stress and pressure to have a baby." ~ Vicious-the-Syd
"NTA. I don't think the issue is 'I'm worried Jane doesn't really want to come'—so letting Jane off the hook won't help."
"Jane WANTS to come. She insists on attending all of these events and then makes herself the focus and brings everyone down."
"Someone needs to tell Jane—with kindness and love—'hey look it SUCKS that you haven't been able to have kids, but it's also not our fault'."
"It's not ok to make OP feel like she's an a**hole simply for being pregnant. It has to be okay for her to celebrate."
"I get the need for some sensitivity, but there's a point where Jane needs to take responsibility for her own emotions. If certain events will be triggering, she should skip those events."
"If Jane insists on coming to the shower, I would gently but firmly lay out some rules. This event is not the place to trauma dump."
"If she needs to step out or leave early, that's fine, but things need to stay light and positive." ~ miparasito
"Yes, a conversation is needed, but Jane's attitude needs to be addressed as well. You can't just ask her if she wants to come or not—especially when she attends all of the events."
"You have to acknowledge her feelings, but also the way she behaves. It is a sensitive topic, yes, but OP can't help being heavily pregnant with two babies and SIL can't expect for mothers in her family not to talk about their babies."
"Especially now that OP's life is about to change and the others who have gone through the same want to help with their insights and advice. She wants to celebrate her babies with her family. NTA." ~ ssskinnylegend
"I struggled with fertility problems too. It was really hard to watch my friends get pregnant. Especially if it was unplanned and a negative thing for them."
"It sounds so sh*tty when I type it out. I had a friend who had three children with 3 different men and none of them were on purpose."
"She was not a good mom, and it was like a dagger in the heart every time she announced a new pregnancy. I never expressed those feelings to her or the bittersweet feelings I had with other people."
"But that's the difference. I didn't make other people deal with my sadness when they were experiencing pregnancy joy."
"I went to baby showers and everything and didnt spend them crying. If it is so difficult for her, she should decline the invitations. So OP is definitely NTA." ~ WifeofBath1984
"OP shouldn't have to police her words with her family. The OP is literally pregnant with twins."
"Baby talk with relatives who also have babies is unavoidable... and if they try, she will still have a baby bump the size of Montana on her stomach. And when they are born, there will be two babies needing to be held, fed, changed, etc..."
"It's on the SIL to get some therapy and avoid places that will trigger her... and the home of an extremely pregnant woman is one of those places." ~ nessabobessa82
While the OP can be sympathetic, she can't change how Jane feels or reacts.
If Jane is unable or unwilling to regulate her emotions to allow others to feel joy without guilt, she may find herself excluded more and more.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp