For people who want to have children, infertility is a heartbreaking struggle with grief. Their loved ones want to be supportive.
But as with all types of grieving, other people’s lives can’t stop.
With the grief of infertility, this often means watching friends and family get pregnant and give birth.
A woman whose sister-in-law is struggling with how to deal with her grief turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Square-Spirit7985 asked:
“AITA if I uninvite my sister-in-law (SIL) from my baby shower because she’s infertile and is always sad about whenever we talk about babies?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28, female) am 29 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins (a boy and a girl). I was lucky enough to get pregnant almost immediately after going off birth control.”
“My SIL (38, female), who I’ll call Jane, has fertility issues and has not been able to have a baby after more than a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF.”
“A few days ago, my family all came over to my house to hang out. I told them that I finished decorating my nursery and my mom, sister, and other SIL all wanted to see it, so I took them in to see it.”
“Jane looked unhappy when I mentioned the nursery and said she’d rather not see it. She went out to the porch while we went inside.”
“We stayed in the nursery for a while and eventually Jane came in because it was too hot outside.”
“We were talking about babies (sister and other SIL both have young children) and Jane looked a bit uncomfortable with the conversation. My sister said that I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying.”
“After that, Jane started crying and left the room. We all went after her to talk to her, and she said she feels awful having to constantly hear about our babies.”
“She went on a long rant about how she feels excluded because she’s the only one of us without a child now.”
“She thinks our mom treats her like she’s less than my sister and other SIL because they have kids and now that I’m pregnant, we don’t talk about anything but kids.”
“She said it’s insensitive when we know that she’s infertile. She was like this for all of my sister’s and SIL’s pregnancy, too.”
“She insists on coming to all the gender reveals and baby showers and birthday parties but spends all her time there wallowing in her misery and even starts crying sometimes.”
“I kind of want to uninvite her from my baby shower next week because I’m scared she’ll ruin the vibe.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I did that?”
“I feel bad for her, but she can’t keep bringing negativity to all of our celebrations.”
“I told my mom that I want to uninvite her, and she said I shouldn’t because she’s family, and we need to support her instead of excluding her even more.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because she’s sad about being infertile and I’m choosing to exclude her from an event instead of supporting her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I don’t actually think this does show insensitivity and lack of awareness.”
“This isn’t OP’s friend, this is OP’s SIL. Family gatherings with the in-laws generally include the kids because they are family gatherings.”
“I’ve never been invited over by my husband’s family for a kid-free movie day, book club, or crafting session. I do spend kid-free time, yes.”
“But not with my in-laws. We aren’t people who grew close due to common interests. They are the people who are related to my husband.”
“While I do expect to be included in family time, I don’t expect them to organize non-family hobby time with me. We don’t even share any hobbies.”
“So if they had Thanksgiving and I wasn’t invited, that would be insensitive. But my MIL is not organizing a craft session or book club for me. That’s incredibly normal.”
“SIL should not be expecting her husband’s family to exclude family members—the kids are members of the family—and organize adult-only friend hangouts for her. That’s what her friends are for.” ~ TheHatOnTheCat
“NTA, but why not say to Jane you want to acknowledge how she might be feeling? That you want to invite her but wondered whether she’d prefer some one on one time before the baby comes.”
“Perhaps a spa day or the theatre. Something to tell her she’s important to you. When the baby comes it will be harder to give her that—you can let her know you wanted her to know she matters too before things have to change.” ~ thisplaceispeanuts
“I agree that OP should probably just talk to her, but the tricky thing here—and I imagine why a conversation hasn’t happened yet—is that her SIL may be the type of person who says something like, ‘No, no, of course I want to come. I’m so happy for you both. I want to be there for you’, and then has a breakdown and ruins the day.”
“I sympathize with the SIL, though I can’t imagine how she feels, it’s hard to tell what kind of person she is. Is she a drama queen who enjoys the attention?”
“Or is she genuinely unaware of how she is impacting the people around her with her misery? That may be insensitive, but OP and her other relatives are allowed to have days to celebrate themselves and their babies.”
“Now, that doesn’t mean that all events need to be ‘baby-centric’. I have a baby, and my whole life doesn’t revolve around him.”
“I bring him with me most places, but I have conversations that aren’t about him.”
“OP’s family may need to reevaluate their conversation topics, because if they are making the children the main focus of family gatherings, then that would be upsetting for the SIL, not to mention add even more stress and pressure to have a baby.” ~ Vicious-the-Syd
“NTA. I don’t think the issue is ‘I’m worried Jane doesn’t really want to come’—so letting Jane off the hook won’t help.”
“Jane WANTS to come. She insists on attending all of these events and then makes herself the focus and brings everyone down.”
“Someone needs to tell Jane—with kindness and love—’hey look it SUCKS that you haven’t been able to have kids, but it’s also not our fault’.”
“It’s not ok to make OP feel like she’s an a**hole simply for being pregnant. It has to be okay for her to celebrate.”
“I get the need for some sensitivity, but there’s a point where Jane needs to take responsibility for her own emotions. If certain events will be triggering, she should skip those events.”
“If Jane insists on coming to the shower, I would gently but firmly lay out some rules. This event is not the place to trauma dump.”
“If she needs to step out or leave early, that’s fine, but things need to stay light and positive.” ~ miparasito
“Yes, a conversation is needed, but Jane’s attitude needs to be addressed as well. You can’t just ask her if she wants to come or not—especially when she attends all of the events.”
“You have to acknowledge her feelings, but also the way she behaves. It is a sensitive topic, yes, but OP can’t help being heavily pregnant with two babies and SIL can’t expect for mothers in her family not to talk about their babies.”
“Especially now that OP’s life is about to change and the others who have gone through the same want to help with their insights and advice. She wants to celebrate her babies with her family. NTA.” ~ ssskinnylegend
“I struggled with fertility problems too. It was really hard to watch my friends get pregnant. Especially if it was unplanned and a negative thing for them.”
“It sounds so sh*tty when I type it out. I had a friend who had three children with 3 different men and none of them were on purpose.”
“She was not a good mom, and it was like a dagger in the heart every time she announced a new pregnancy. I never expressed those feelings to her or the bittersweet feelings I had with other people.”
“But that’s the difference. I didn’t make other people deal with my sadness when they were experiencing pregnancy joy.”
“I went to baby showers and everything and didnt spend them crying. If it is so difficult for her, she should decline the invitations. So OP is definitely NTA.” ~ WifeofBath1984
“OP shouldn’t have to police her words with her family. The OP is literally pregnant with twins.”
“Baby talk with relatives who also have babies is unavoidable… and if they try, she will still have a baby bump the size of Montana on her stomach. And when they are born, there will be two babies needing to be held, fed, changed, etc…”
“It’s on the SIL to get some therapy and avoid places that will trigger her… and the home of an extremely pregnant woman is one of those places.” ~ nessabobessa82
While the OP can be sympathetic, she can’t change how Jane feels or reacts.
If Jane is unable or unwilling to regulate her emotions to allow others to feel joy without guilt, she may find herself excluded more and more.