Content Warning: Grieving Process, Dead Parents, Cheating, Affair
It’s true that grieving is a messy process, and each person will address their grief in a different way, some even turning to questionable methods.
But grief is no excuse to suddenly act like a jerk and to do hurtful things like cheating, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor throwawayh77 knew that their wife was hurting after both of her parents passed away, and they tried to be there for her in any way that they could be.
But when she instead turned to someone else for comfort, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure they could ever look at her the same way ever again.
They asked the sub:
“WIBTAH (Would I be the a**hole) for divorcing my wife after she cheated after her parents died?”
The OP’s wife was experiencing terrible grief.
“About a month ago, my wife’s parents both died in a car crash. She has been an emotional mess.”
“We live in her hometown, so we have been seeing her family and friends often.”
“I’ve been supportive any way I can, I’ve taken care of all house chores, and I’ve been there for her every day.”
The OP wasn’t sure how to feel about the inclusion of their wife’s ex.
“Here’s where things get messy. She has an ex named Luke.”
“Luke is not just her ex, Luke is still friends with her, and her first love. They were high school sweethearts, and Luke was almost like another child to her parents. The death of her parents affected Luke a lot, too.”
“Honestly, I didn’t initially liked the fact that they were friends, but I trust my wife, and moved on from that feeling.”
But then the OP’s wife did something she couldn’t take back.
“A few days ago, my wife said she was going to go out with her family. I told her I could go with her, but she insisted on going alone.”
“From what I know, she was with her sister for a while and some friends, including Luke. My wife excused herself, and her sister said she didn’t know where she went and assumed she went back home.”
“She didn’t come back until the next morning. I tried to call her and call her family members, but no one knew where she was.”
“When she did come back, she was a mess. I asked her where she was all night.”
“She told me she f**ked up, that she f**ked up so much.”
“I tried to calm her down, and told her to just tell what happened and that it’s okay, she can talk to me. She said she slept with Luke.”
The OP wasn’t sure they could forgive their wife for what she had done.
“I didn’t react much. I told her I needed some time to think.”
“She has apologized so many times now.”
“I did eventually ask her what happened.”
“She said she met up with Luke and they were both messes. They reminisced about her parents, which led to them remembering their relationship. They were both drinking and it just… happened.”
“I’m so conflicted right now. My wife is probably going through the worst time in her life, but I don’t think I want to be with her now. I’m furious at her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some theorized that nothing about the affair just “happened.”
“Honestly, her saying no to you coming makes this seem pre-planned.” – CrabbyPatty1876
“What stands out to me is you tried to be there for her and she preferred to go ‘alone.’ In the end, she wasn’t just out with family and chose to find comfort in this guy. I would consider the reminiscing an excuse.” – Unpopular_Opinion210
“Let’s not play dumb here, OP. She knew what she was doing. If there was a group meeting including your SIL why couldn’t you be there? She was expecting something to happen and it did.”
“She preferred asking forgiveness to asking permission. Her perception of you is that you are a nice guy who will take her waterworks, her parents’ death, and alcohol as an excuse to f**k another man.” – Tfuentexxx
“She planned this. It’s why you weren’t allowed to go with her. And you know it.”
“This is probably not the first time this has happened, either, OP.”
“She probably only confessed because too many people who saw her disappear with Luke.”
“You deserve better. Tell everyone Luke is the type of guy to take advantage of someone grieving to get laid.”
“NTA.” – _A-Q
“She claimed she was meeting with family, refused her husband’s offer to come with her, and ghosted him for the night.”
“This was totally pre-planned by her. He needs to get a divorce lawyer as soon as possible.” – Few-Concern2938
“This sounds deliberate. As in intentionally deciding to be alone with Luke.”
“That’s not a mistake. A mistake is accidentally putting salt in the coffee. An intentional action is deciding to pour salt into your spouse’s coffee cup.” – Dana07620
“She didn’t want you there, OP. It was pre-planned and she’s acting like it was some big mistake. Cheating is never a mistake.”
“She is absolutely hurting, I won’t deny that. But that gives her zero excuse to turn around and betray you like this.” – Beth_Esda
Others agreed and said changes would need to be made for this to work out.
“She decided Luke WAS the person to comfort her, but it wasn’t as good as she thought it would be, and she came home to confess afterward.”
“It didn’t just happen. They planned it. They met. They drank. They went somewhere. They got undressed. She went to the bathroom beforehand. He checked his breath and took a mint.”
“It ‘just happened’… like they tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. ‘Whups!'” – ap1msch
“I bet Luke isn’t regretting anything. OP if you decide to try reconciliation she is going to have to go full no contact with Luke.”
“If she refuses to do that at as a bare minimum, she is choosing her relationship with him over her relationship with you and is not serious about reconciliation.”
“Sorry, but this is going to be a rough emotional ride through h**l that she has forced upon you by her selfish betrayal.”
“Grief is not an excuse, so don’t bring that into the equation when making your decision.” – Necessary_Tap343
“She knew what would happen before refusing your company. Don’t believe for a second that she didn’t. I’m sure you’ll find a ton of shit if you look through their messages with each other, or you’ll find missing/deleted texts.”
“I would say to investigate if you didn’t have proof, but at this point, divorce is the only option.”
“Ask yourself this, you’re only allowed one word for each answer. Trying to ‘understand’ or rationalize her betrayal will have you right back where you started… on the floor as a doormat.”
“What kind of person cheated on a spouse they love while grieving the loss of both parents? Do you want to be with that kind of person?” – rodofpleasure
“Look, she might be remorseful now, but she told you not to come. She didn’t update her sister. She knew there was a chance this could happen.”
“This was absolutely not a random drunken hookup. She may not have completely pursued it, but she unlocked the doors and made sure you were gone. She took advantage of the situation.”
“I’m sure her life sucks right now after losing her parents. If your relationship was good I definitely wouldn’t scream and yell at her, but I don’t see how you recover from that.”
“I would contact a lawyer immediately. Even if you haven’t decided whether you want to divorce or not, it sounds like he has his hooks in her, and you don’t want get financially hurt as well.”
“Just find out what you need to do to protect yourself, and it might not hurt to check her phone. This might not be the only time.” – AllTheTakenNames
“How can she tell you not to come, but meet with him?”
“I’m sure she’s hurting, and life is hard right now for her, but this seems like an overall setup. Even if she didn’t plan to cheat, there was a reason she wanted him there, and you not there, and that is where I would be concerned.”
“Sorry, but I think this one is over. How could you trust her if she wanted to go hang out with her friends without you again?” – tooearlytoothink
Some were deeply hurt on the OP’s behalf because his wife chose someone else during her darkest hour.
“Jesus, I had a pit in my stomach as I read OP’s story. Instead of thinking of being with OP during her time of grief, she decided to be with the man she actually loved.” – Jakunobi
“Besides the cheating, in her darkest moment, she actively rejected her husband’s comfort.”
“She ran to Luke, even if the intention was not originally to cheat. That says a lot of really complicated and deep things about the relationship before you even get to the cheating.”
“Even if they didn’t have sex, that alone probably warrants some deep and difficult talks and maybe couple’s therapy.” – letstrythisagain30
“When my mother died, all I wanted was for my husband to be there for me. Beyond him and other immediate family members, I wanted to hide away from the world until I adjusted to my new reality. I can guarantee that no ex even entered my mind for a second.” – SamiHami24
“She wasn’t just out with her family. Her ex who is NOT family was there but her husband who IS her family wasn’t allowed by her to be there? Nope. No excuse for her. And OP is so NTA.” – RebelBean223344
“I have lost a parent, grandparents, and a sibling. The last thing on my mind was cheating. I had a hard enough time just getting up out of bed some days. I was so depressed.” – This_Acanthisitta832
“This is one of the hardest times in her life, and if she isn’t choosing her husband to help her through this time, what is she even doing with him? Now that he knows that he isn’t her person when she is struggling, why is he with her?”
“She had choices, even through her grief, that should have been obvious. She knew it was a possibility that she was going to sleep with him, she used her grief as an excuse, hoping that her husband would be okay with it.”
“If my wife treated me with such disdain, I couldn’t stay. OP has a decision of his own to make.” – vanzir
“Grief does crazy things to you. When my dad died, I realized my husband couldn’t emotionally support me when I needed him the most, and a light bulb switched on and our marriage was over for me mentally two weeks after my dad died. It took me nine months to leave with couples counseling.”
“She is intentionally sabotaging your relationship together. But no one throws away their marriage for no reason. She probably can’t fully admit it to herself yet.”
“But the marriage is over, in her time of crisis, she didn’t reach out to you for support, for whatever reason. The emotional safety between you both is gone.” – HenryAlbusNibbler
While the subReddit empathized with the terrible time the OP’s wife must be having without her parents in her life any longer, they could not forgive the fact that there were many opportunities for her to make a different choice than the one she made.
By choosing her ex over her marital partner, by going somewhere alone with him, and by involving alcohol in the equation, even if she never meant to cheat, she made it incredibly convenient, and that speaks volumes.