Couples can overcome all kinds of hurdles in their relationships, but one that threatens to trip them up and disqualify them is financial management.
If a couple cannot come to an agreement about how to manage money, pay bills, save, address debt, or navigate big purchases, their relationship will be over before it began, cautioned the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Overall-Fan3079 had been flummoxed since their husband purchased an expensive car without ever once discussing the possibility of making the purchase with them.
When he rejected every one of their concerns and called it his money, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what the car purchase meant for their marriage.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for seriously questioning my marriage over a major purchase my husband made alone?”
The OP’s husband made a wild purchase that they didn’t see coming.
“My husband bought a $75k car last week without saying anything to me beforehand, and I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if this is actually as big of a deal as it feels.”
“We’re both doing fine money-wise. We have good jobs, savings, and no debt we’re stressed about.”
“We’ve always had joint accounts and made big decisions together, or at least, I thought we did.”
“This wasn’t like his car died and he needed something fast. He just went and bought it, signed everything, and then told me about it later.”
The OP was alarmed by how their husband talked to them about it after.
“When I said something, he was like, ‘I make my own money; I don’t need permission.'”
“Which, okay, I’m not trying to control what he spends on lunch or whatever, but $75k on a car feels different. It feels like something you at least mention to your wife before you do it, especially when all our other money stuff is shared.”
“The amount isn’t even really what’s bothering me. We can cover it. It’s more than he just did it and told me after, like I wasn’t part of the decision at all.”
“It’s making me feel like the partnership thing is optional for him, and that’s messing with my head. If he can drop that much without a conversation, what else can he just decide on his own?”
The OP felt conflicted about where to go from here.
“I go back and forth on whether I’m right to be this upset. Sometimes I think, yeah, this is a communication problem, and it matters. Other times, I’m like, we have the money, so maybe I’m being dramatic.”
“Last night, I was just sitting there, playing some stupid game on my phone, because I couldn’t stop thinking about it in circles.”
“I don’t want to blow up my marriage over one car, but I also don’t want to just let this slide and end up in a situation where he makes huge calls without me and acts like that’s normal. That doesn’t feel like a partnership.”
“Am I overreacting, or is this actually worth being this upset about?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they were not overreacting and that this felt like an extreme breach of trust.
“NOR. This is less about the car and more about trust and decision-making in a shared financial life. Big purchases without a conversation can make a partnership feel one-sided even if the money itself isn’t the issue.” – Glittering-Pin2
“I talk about the kind of bread I’m buying with my spouse, never mind getting a car. I want to know if she’s in a grain or a sweet cinnamon swirl mood this week, you know? I mean, I love to talk to her, and I’d certainly want feedback from her.” – Valuable-Yard-4154
“I am the one in charge of the menu for the week, and my husband almost never has notes on my plans, but I ask him anyway. Feels like common courtesy to include him, even though he generally just nods his head and eats what I put in front of him.”
“It’s about respect and consideration. Two things that are vital in marriage when making large purchases or meal plans. Just a simple gesture makes a big difference.” – crippledchef23
“My marriage requires two yes votes on all major decisions. Like the OP, we are also comfortable enough to spend the $75,000. But neither of us would dream about doing it without getting consent from the other.”
“For context, I make all the money, and she stays home. And I would never dream of buying the car without her explicit consent.” – Rabbit-Lost
“There is more going on here than a purchase. My spouse and I have our own accounts and a joint account for all the household stuff (I came into the marriage years ago with kids and thought this was the best way to handle it).”
“Anyway, I don’t ask about some items with my money, like a coat, shoes, etc., but I would NEVER purchase something like that, my money or not, without discussing it.”
“NOR, OP. Look at your financials and check dating apps.” – Minion-Lover67
“‘Hey hubby, I just took a job across the country, and it’s 70 hours per week! I will see you every third or fourth weekend… What’s the problem? This is my own time, and you have your own hours. I decide over my own time!'”
“That’s just for comparison. Time and money are shared in most marriages, and not discussing changes that significantly impact them typically are massive red flags.”
“Also, I would ask him who was with him when he looked at it. Because I have a feeling he was not alone.”
“Whether it was his bro since ten years back, his boss, or his new female coworker 15 years his subordinate, I would want to know who he wants to impress SO BADLY that I was not even an afterthought.” – Successful-Doubt5478
Others urged the OP to open their own bank account to keep their money safe from their husband’s “decisions.”
“I wonder how he would react if THE OP made a $75K surprise purchase.”
“It’s a two-way street. A marriage. The OP needs to protect themselves and their finances, apparently even from their husband.” – Knife_y_Wife_y
“This car purchase feels almost like a test to see her reaction. If she lets it go, what will the next thing be? He is trying to see what she will tolerate.” – Weird_Fox4788
“If I were the OP, I would start moving my finances to a separate account.”
“After all, if he says he can do whatever he wants with ‘his money,’ you need to protect YOUR money.”
“Also? OP, you need to lock down your credit. These unilateral, huge-money decisions are a gigantic red flag, and it gets even redder if he’s dismissing them.”
“He’s signalling that he’s capable of doing ANYTHING with your shared money. Anything. And you won’t know until he’s done it, and when it’s likely too late. NOR.” – Sufficient-Lie1406
“Starting your own account isn’t even retaliation; you’re not doing it to show that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You need to do this to protect yourself.”
“I would be very upset about the car, but I would be scared of what the car represents. Is this a midlife crisis? Does it mean freedom for him? Does he need to impress someone… else? You also need to watch him closely for other changes in behavior in case this is medical.”
“But unless you have multi-millionaire money, this is a huge betrayal of your partnership and the goals you were both working towards. If he walked out the door tomorrow and cleaned out your accounts, what would you do? What other unilateral decisions will he make?”
“NOR. Protect yourself with an emergency fund he can’t touch.” – calminthedark
“I would maybe even talk to a lawyer and see if there are any safeguards you can put into place to protect you, OP. Like something post-nup that says, since your husband is making large financial decisions and purchases without your consent and without even letting you know beforehand.”
“Especially since this one was so large at $75k, and he dismissed anything and everything when you tried to have a conversation about the situation.”
“I would let the lawyer know exactly what he said, as in how it’s his money, and he doesn’t need to ask your permission, and that he dismissed you instantly when you approached him. I am sure there is something to protect you.”
“The other option is you just separate finances completely, and from now on, you only put what your portion of the household bills into joint accounts. If he says anything, then respond back with, ‘It’s my money; I don’t need to tell you where it goes. I paid my portion, and the rest is none of your business.'”
“See how he likes it back and overall play the petty game until he decides to either start having conversations and treating you like an equal partner again, kind of like when people are just dating and living together. Otherwise, it might be time to call it quits since he doesn’t see or treat you as his equal partner. It really will depend on you, OP, and what you are willing to tolerate.”
“I personally would separate my money out and put it into a different bank with an account he has zero access to.”
“Then check and see if he is going through something medically. After that, if it turns up nothing, check on his employment and see if anything is going on there. But more importantly, see if there is someone else, like, is he trying to impress someone else? Maybe a new young colleague, intern, assistant, secretary?”
“If all of those turn up nothing, then he is probably just going through a midlife crisis or maybe just doesn’t care. After you have checked those basics, then you can make your own informed decisions.”
“But for me, I would protect myself at all costs, especially legally. I am not going to take any hits from someone who doesn’t value me anymore, not once he made that large of a purchase without even giving me the slightest hint about such a large purchase.”
“Plus, it was such a large one at that right out the gate, he didn’t even start small like maybe a $5k gaming system. Now, to me, that’s even a lot, but it’s more manageable than a $75k vehicle purchase.”
“To me, that’s insane, unless y’all are sitting on millions and this is really just a drop in the bucket to the two of you. But still, it’s wrong when you are married. Trust and Respect are just some things you can’t always come back from. OP, you’re NOR.” – No-Swordfish-4216
The subReddit was shocked that the OP’s husband performed such a large purchase without once acknowledging the OP’s thoughts or feelings on it.
It seemed very likely that the purchase was covering up a much larger problem, one of which was that the OP’s husband seemed to have checked out of the marriage and any care he had for the OP’s opinion on important life decisions.