It's a very exciting moment when children finally fly the coop and start a home of their very own.
That doesn't stop their parents from "parenting", offering suggestions, if not making outright decisions regarding what their new home should be like.
While everyone should be grateful for their parents' help, chances are they won't always see eye to eye on decorating matters.
Things can get even more complicated when it involves in-laws.
The son of Redditor Head-Meetthrow recently moved into his "forever home" with his wife, who was expecting their first child.
To commemorate the occasion, the original poster (OP) decided to gift them with a relic of her son's past.
While the gift was appreciated by the OP's son, his wife was much less grateful, even going so far as to say the gift resulted in marital difficulties between them.
Concerned she may have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for 'decorating' my son/DIL home by giving my son a dresser for their nursery."
The OP explained how a nostalgic gift ended up putting her at odds with her daughter-in-law (DIL):
"Growing up my son had a dresser that was made by my father."
"He was a very good woodworker and the dresser has hand carved details."
"It is a very nice dresser."
"My son loved it and was going to take it with him when he moved out, sadly due to a tornado the dresser was very badly damaged when our roof fell."
"So when he moved out after college their was not reason to take the busted dresser and it stayed in our new garage collecting dust."
"I could not bring my self to toss it."
"My son is now married and they moved into their forever home."
"He mentioned that he it was upsetting that their kid won't have anything like his dresser growing up."
"My son wished he could have passed it down since his grandpa is dead ( my father who made the dresser)."
"My son mentioned trying to make something small but he is not very good at building stuff."
"I decided to see if it could be repaired ( I didn't have high hopes) and contacted a few people."
"There was one guy that was willing to give it a try."
"In the end he was able to keep a lot of the original wood ( including my dad's stamp) and most of the original carvings at the bottom."
"He replaced what was needed and it looks great."
"He even carved in new engravings from pictures."
"I invited them both to dinner, and I gave my son the gift."
"He loved it, and took it home that night."
"He sent me a few pictures of it in the nursery."
"This is the issue, my DIL sent me a very long text about a week after about giving him the dresser for the nursery."
"She was pissed that she wasn't informed and that it doesn't match the room (the dresser wood doesn't really match because the whole room is very light)."
"That I had no right to try to decorate their house, that she hates it in the nursery, and it is causing marriage problems."
"She told me that I need to take it back."
"I told her no, and if my son wishes to give it back, then he can, but I will not ask for it back."
"She called me a jerk."
"I am going to talk to my son about the whole thing but I am wondering if I actually was a d*ck for giving the fixed up dresser."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving her son his repaired dresser:
Everyone agreed that the reaction of the OP's DIL was way out of line, with finding the fact that she went behind his back to complain to the OP a major cause for concern:
"For once, I'm on the MIL's side."
"That dresser has a lot of sentimental value, and if your son wants it, he can have it."
'It doesn't necessarily have to be part of the nursery, just having it in the house somewhere, it fits in could mean the world, his grandfather made that, wifey needs to learn to compromise and accept that life may not always fit aesthetic."
"NTA."- Sea_Roof3637
"NTA."
"1 - Your son clearly wanted that dresser or something like it."
"You did a VERY thoughtful thing, with a very clear sense that it was wanted, not that it was you trying to push something on him."
"2 - Once a gift crosses the threshold of the home, the son and wife decide where it goes...I assume son put it in the nursery."
"3 - This is now a son and his wife issue."
"They can keep it in the nursery, put it in the rec room, use it as a toy chest in the play room...whatever."
"4 - Red flag that DIL came right to you to deal with the issue rather than son...OR..son deflected to you 'I don't know honey, mom will be so crushed if it's not in the nursery....'"
"Either way, you let son and DIL work this out, however I'd talk to son and ask exactly what's going on and why DIL is reaching out to you to take back a gift."
"Tell him it's his now and they, together, can do whatever they want with it."
"Then leave it alone for them to work out."- LiveKindly01
"Ugh some people get way too caught up in the aesthetics of a room."
"This is an heirloom that clearly means a lot to your son."
"I know it's tragic that your DILs IG photos won't look perfect but she'll get over it."
"NTA."- Forsoothia
"NTA."
"Your son wanted the dresser. you gave your son the dresser."
"I cannot read your dil telling you to 'take it back' as anything other than trying to override her husband's decision."
"This is between them, and is not your problem."
"For the record, though, I think I'm on your son's side on this one."- dryadduinath
"NTA."
"What a beautiful and special gift."
"If she says anything again, continue to reiterate that it's between them now."
"They can easily move it somewhere else."
"If it's staying in the nursery, it's because your son wants it there."- spongebobsworsthole
"Giving your son a dresser that has sentimental significance, even if it had to be reworked, shows how much you love your son."
"Tell your son, it is his, and have them put the dresser in another room if necessary."
"NTA."- PutPretty647
"NTA."
"Let your son know your DIL contacted you."- C_Majuscula
"NTA, you shouldn't even get involved in whether they keep it or not."
"This was obviously something your son wanted and loved."
"What he does with it is up to him now."- War_D0ct0r
"NTA."
"Son wanted it."
"DIL then got mad at you."
"If she doesn't want it there, they can move it somewhere else."
'Main problem is that They Need To Talk."
"She owes you an apology."- Prior-Business-6054
"NTA."
"Seems that your son was happy with the dresser, and he should have a vote in this matter."
"Sorry your well-meaning act has caused problems between him and his wife, but this is for them to work out."- Realistic_Head4279
"NTA."
"Your son made it clear he wanted it."
"It was a great thing you did."
"DIL may not like it, but she is being an AH about it."
"Tell your son about it."
"Send him the texts from her."
"He needs to work it out with her."- MerlinBiggs
"NTA."
"You didn't decorate anything."
'You gave them a dresser, which your son really appreciated."
"It's then up to her and your sin to discuss where it goes and how it fits in the room."
"Your DIL doesn't seem to care about what your son wants, but that doesn't have anything to do with you."- keesouth
"NTA."
"It's way out of pocket for your DIL to respond like this."
"If your son has an issue, he can communicate that to you."- Rare-Progress5009
Following the responses from the Reddit community, most of which were quite disparaging towards her DIL, the OP returned with an update:
"'For f*cks sakes, she is pregnant and overreacted (it happens) she's not the devil."
"Not, she isn't going to throw it away, no, she isn't abusing my son, no, she isn't evil."
"No, the marriage isn't going to end over this."
"If you are going to call her a b*tch or make ridiculous assumptions, don't comment."
The OP's update is a telling sign that she will always spring to her DIL's defense, even after the disrespectful way she treated her.
Hopefully, the OP's DiL will come to realize this and perhaps reflect on her own behavior.
It seems she will be easily forgiven by the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp