Wedding dresses can be a major expense, but they don't need to be. Second hand shops can be sources for wedding attire. Or family members may have a dress that can be borrowed.
But if a family member has plans of their own for their dress, they may not want it altered or possibly stained or otherwise damaged.
A former bride who wants to wear her wedding dress again turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother asked if a cousin could borrow it.
ComprehensiveBee4097 asked:
"AITA for not allowing my cousin to wear my wedding dress for her wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"First off, I want to start by saying that me and said cousin are not close! We used to be, but we aren't really now and haven't been for years. My mum however is incredibly close with her and treats her like her own daughter."
"I want to start this off by saying I got married last year in September. I got married on holiday and we told no one until after we got married only my parents attended."
"We had pink, gold and purple and cream/white as our colour. I had a tiara with my hair half up half down curled. We had our reception when we got back etc... and had bridesmaids and groomsmen as of which my cousin was not a part of the bridal party."
"We had a lovely cake, decor (all colour themed as stated above), I changed dress half way through and all groomsmen had grey suit with pink ties to tie in with the theme."
"My cousin got engaged in December and has rushed through her wedding to June due to family members being ill, etc... I've been really supportive making sure if she needs anything I'm here and trying to help family to make it special."
"Now when she spoke to me a few weeks ago, she's arranged most of it. She's doing the exact same colours down to the same colour suits for the groom etc..."
"She's also doing her hair the same I had it, but with a veil instead of a tiara. I don't have an issue with it as it's fairly popular or maybe I just sparked her imagination or something.
"Now she's using all of the same vendors for cake, decor, etc... (here is where I thought like, OK, cool she really liked it). She's said she was getting a dress from Shein or a certain dress shop."
"My mum is thoroughly excited for her as of course I am too. We had a conversation where I joked and said I must have inspired her. My mum laughed and said she's get her dress from SHEIN or ____."
"I said okay sounds nice and she mentioned to me 'Do I think she would fit in my dress?' I of course said no, as we are completely different body types and it's fitted to me."
"The conversation between me and my mum took a turn by her saying that she deserves to have a really nice wedding dress which I agreed to and was then told 'can't she just "borrow" mine'."
"I'll be honest, I flipped out and said, 'No, she cannot use mine. It's my dress bought for me by my grandparents who are no longer with us and it would have to be altered and wouldn't be the same after she had it fitted to her'."
"I was then told can't I just be happy for her. As it turns out my cousin had mentioned to my mum that she liked my dress and that's where this has come from."
"I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but we are the only 2 girl grandchildren and I have always fought to be different than her as I'm younger. 'Following in her footsteps' used to be my most hated phrase, so I became different to not hear it as much."
"She's using all the same stuff that I did other than having her wedding in the UK and now they're asking for my dress too!"
"So AITA?"
"I would like to keep it to wear again for my vow renewals with my husband and then to pass down to a daughter or daughter-in-law."
"I'm not that bothered about her 'copying' as it's quite funny to me, but wanting my wedding dress too is a bit much."
"My wedding dress was bought over a year ago and paid for. Originally, it was for our wedding that we were planning in the UK, but my grandparents passed away in 2024, so we pushed the wedding planning aside."
"Then we decided to get eloped in September due to feeling like we were married anyway and wanting it to be official."
"We did this as I didn't want the family drama that we had in 2024 when originally planning the big family wedding in the UK."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I didn't want my cousin to wear my wedding dress for her own wedding because I'm fed up with being copied. I feel as though maybe it was mean as she is having a wedding on a budget."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I am not surprised to read your very last lines. My bet is that cousin—and probably the rest if the family to varying degrees—think of her as the Golden FirstBorn and you as the RunnerUp."
"She's copying you because clearly it was HER idea first and the timing just worked out for the copycat (YOU) to actually go first! So of COURSE you would 'share' your dress since it was HER idea in the first place, right?"
"But I digress, as the reasons why your mom doesn't think there's anything wrong with your cousin destroying your dress for her use don't matter. The only thing that matters is that you said no, and your mother needs to respect your answer."
"That she tried to bully you into giving it up means you need to hide that dress until well after your cousin is divorced!" ~ NYC-WhWmn-ov50
"NTA. Does your cousin even want your dress? It doesn't sound like she does, and your mom is assuming that she wants it because she mentioned she liked it."
"Ask your mother, 'Mom, cousin told me she planned on getting her dress from a specific shop, but she hasn't asked me if she can borrow my dress. Why are you trying to force my dress onto her?'." ~ naranghim
"NTA, does your mom always put herself first over you? It's sad that you're not her priority." ~ Historical-Dingo3845
"NTA. And have a friend store your dress for you now. Otherwise, your dress may mysteriously go missing after your mother, cousin, or aunt visits. Also, no is a complete sentence. Refuse to discuss the matter further with your mother and tell her you are hanging up." ~ Technical-Neck7407
"Yes, store your dress with a friend and tell nobody at all, not even your husband. Buy a very cheap used wedding dress and store that in your closet in case someone goes through your closet looking for the wedding dress." ~ No_Mix_7068
"Dear gods, this OP!! People who will push and push at boundaries like this will just TAKE and tell you to get over it."
"Hide your dress under lock and key somewhere nobody else knows about, otherwise your mother and/or cousin is going to come around 'to visit', sneak into your bedroom, and steal your dress." ~ kittenwolfmage
"I guess it was OK for you to be asked; it is not OK for you to be argued with or second-guessed or pressured or guilt-tripped when you say no."
"So here are a few more sentences. 'I don't want to discuss this further. Please call back when we can talk about something else. Bye'."
"It's your wedding dress. It's special and it has tremendous sentimental value for you. It's completely reasonable and not at all selfish for you not to lend it out. NTA." ~ Nester1953
"NTA. I would say to your mom, 'How about supporting my decision for a change? I said no, and I don't want to hear another word about it'." ~ Gattina1
"It's a perfectly reasonable boundary, and her mom should be the first one to respect it instead of trying to guilt her. No is a complete sentence." ~ New_Hearing4693
"NTA. Frankly, I didn't have to read all of that to come to my conclusion. It is your dress. It is a special dress that holds meaning for you. No one is owed use of it. It's ridiculous to even be put in a position where you have to consider it." ~ Elegant_Bluebird_460
"NTA. Why do people assume other people's possessions are theirs to lend/give?" ~ paisley_life
"I am also wondering why the cousin didn't want her own dress. To me, it's 2nd hand. Why doesn't she want her original? NTA." ~ Honey_loves_bear
"The post doesn't say the cousin wants OP's dress, it just says that she said she liked the dress. It seems like OP's mom may have just decided that OP should let her use the dress for some reason." ~ Historical-Juice-172
"Absolutely NTA—it's your dress, and even if it fit her and didn't need alterations, it's still your choice whether or not she can use it. Especially because it would need alterations, absolutely no she cannot borrow it."
"Hold firm and store it at a friend's house until after the wedding if you are concerned it could be snatched." ~ HulaHulaHula1983
"NTA. It's a no-brainer that you would not want to share your wedding dress with your cousin (who you're not even close to). It has special significance to your relationship. It's obvious that your mom has a soft spot for your cousin so she's not seeing clearly."
"If she thinks your cousin deserves a nice wedding dress, maybe she can help her pay for a new one. Your cousin is really something else. I can't imagine asking to borrow someone's wedding dress....the audacity." ~ Nimlily
Well, Shein is always still an option.
There are loads of other places to find an affordable dress.
But yours is spoken for.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp