Content Warning: Mentions of Abusive Relationships and Negging
Not all relationships are created equal, and that's also true for toxic and abusive relationships.
Some people won't realize how bad a relationship they're in for a long time, because it doesn't look like the typical representations of abuse and toxicity.
A "popular" feature that people struggle to catch on to is negging, a combination of backhanded compliments and insults disguised as jokes, meant to tear a romantic partner down over time, pointed out members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor lyss_uhh had been with her boyfriend for a while, and one more time, when he repeatedly woke her from sleeping to comment on the state of their mattress, her weight, and allude to her being the cause of the mattress breakdown, she realized how often he made comments like this.
Also realizing that he was wrong in his evaluation of her, the Original Poster (OP) decided to end the relationship before the comments could continue.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for getting upset because my boyfriend kept waking me up and then making upsetting comments?"
The OP's boyfriend repeatedly woke her up and messed with her sleep.
"I (26 Female) was sleeping over at my boyfriend's (32 Male) place and woke up this morning."
"This morning wasn't the best in general because I woke up with severe menstrual cramps."
"At around 10 AM, he started tapping my shoulder and asking if I needed to get up and go to the bathroom or drink water. I woke up a bit and said no and closed back off."
"Then he kept bothering me, telling me that I should wake up because it was getting late. I told him I had cramps and wanted to sleep in a little longer."
"Mind you, he was still in bed, too, and I wasn't keeping us from going anywhere."
Then the OP's boyfriend started making comments on her weight.
"He kept bothering me after that. I finally asked what his problem was, and he said it was nothing, just that his back hurt and he needed room to stretch out. He's 6'4, and I'm 5'9."
"I said okay, still annoyed, and then went to the bathroom. I came back, and he was sprawled across the bed."
"I asked him to scoot over, and he agreed but then asked me to give him a back massage. I got upset and left to sit on a chair instead."
"He then sprawled across the bed and said that he needed to get a new mattress because my 'side of the bed is deformed and dented in.'"
The OP felt conflicted about how her boyfriend was treating her.
"He's made 'jokes' about my weight before (I weigh 178 pounds, and he weighs 170). He never explicitly said that it's because I weigh too much, but he strongly implied it."
"This hurt my feelings, and I've been pretty upset and crying all day."
"I just feel like he doesn't respect me in general or care about the fact that I'm not feeling well. Am I overreacting here, or is this… bad?"
The OP continued to think of more ways that her boyfriend had mistreated her.
"Also, in case it matters, I found out a month ago that I have sub-hypothyroidism, and my doctor thinks that's why I have gained 15 pounds in the last four months and have really heavy and painful periods. Other than that, my doctor said I was completely healthy and just needed to fix the hormonal imbalance. I've been on meds lately, and my weight has gone down about one pound per week so far. My boyfriend knows all of this and still comments on my weight."
"There was also a chocolate festival in the neighboring town today: free chocolate tastings and fun stuff. I asked if he wanted to go, and he said, 'That doesn't sound very healthy,' while he ate Oreos and a protein shake for breakfast… I think he equates being skinny with being healthy."
"I honestly had zero insecurities until I met him a year ago; even now, I usually get compliments from strangers when I'm out and about. I've started to think that he's been intentionally trying to wear me down."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was not overreacting about her boyfriend's bad jokes and harmful commentary.
"NOR. In fact, you're under-reacting imo. This wasn't a misunderstanding or a bad joke."
"It was repeated disrespect while you were vulnerable, capped with a passive-aggressive body dig. If this is how he treats you when you're in pain, believe the pattern." - ProlapsedMonday
"NOR. Just the fact that you have to state your weight and his weight to show that it appears that you think you are obviously heavier than him tells me that he's already affected your self-esteem."
"By the way, 178 for a five-foot-nine woman is fine."
"He sounds very passive-aggressive. Moaning and groaning, and insisting you get up very possibly just so that he could make that crude remark about the dent in the mattress would be all I would need to say, 'See you later,' and then be gone for good." - Justyermom
"NOR. I'm also 5'9 and am around your weight. My partner is 6'7 and around 240."
"He says, your partner is a pathetic little b***h who doesn't appreciate you."
"I've been with men who take their insecurities out on me. This man-child is negging you, and it's working. Drop the 170-pound energy vampire. Being alone has to be better than being with an unsupportive man."
"He's also messing with your stress levels, your rest, AND your sleep schedule, all of which will make your medical situation worse. I bet you'll feel a lot better, FAST, in your mind AND body after you ditch this guy." - randomdude221221
"NOR."
"He's showing AND telling you with his words AND actions what kind of guy he is."
"SPOILER: a s**tty one."
"You're allowed to stand up from the table when respect is no longer being served, OP. I would look for an exit plan on that relationship as soon as possible." - copypop
"NOR. Read what you just said. Does this sound like a good partner to you? Do you think you should be feeling this way with someone who truly loves you?"
"Your partner should make you feel safe and loved. That is what someone who truly loves you should make you feel." - smoked_parzival
Others agreed and hoped that the OP would end things before her boyfriend treated her worse.
"The good news is you don't live together."
"Honestly, if it were me, and I meant to break up with him, I'd probably tell him not to contact me again because he's a selfish, immature brat, and then mute him everywhere."
"Not block, just in case he gets crazy. But yeah.... Be done with that s**t. Never speak to him again if you can avoid it. We have one life, girl. Don't waste it on people like him." - Revolutionary_Wrap76
"Dump that jerk. A partner, or even a friend, lifts you up, not puts you down. He's being passive-aggressive and is insecure." - Ok_Math_1099
"I'm sorry to say this, but he's going to continue trying to tear you down. You didn't have any insecurities until you met him, so that tells you a lot right there."
"He is not the person for you. He's not going to get any better. He will always be an a**hole." - Suspicious_Dark3251
"Hypothyroidism is also closely linked to depression, just FYI. Living in a hyper- or hypo-thyroid state is miserable, and it makes it difficult to see the world and yourself clearly. You're probably retaining a s**tload of water."
"Anytime I'm hypo, I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize my face because it changes so much from the water bloat. Thyroid issues f**k with your brain much more than people think."
"It's also SUPER dependent on stress levels. I wouldn't be surprised if your condition significantly improves after leaving this guy." - BohemianHibiscus
"NOR. What value does he add to your life?"
"It sounds to me like you need a new boyfriend, one who will respect you and support you as you are on your journey to get your hormonal balance righted."
"One who will bring you a heating pad and some Ibuprofen when you stay in bed late with your period, a guy who will make you feel good about yourself, not insecure."
"A guy who will say, 'A chocolate festival? Sounds like a lot of fun, let's go!'"
"OP, you deserve to be respected. You deserve to be happy." - Provers21-3
After receiving feedback, the OP felt reassured and shared an update.
"Thank you all for your comments."
"I went out with one of my best friends a few days ago and was telling her about the issues in my relationships. And she said that she thinks I'm in a cycle of emotional abuse."
"I think so, too. When he was doing all of this, it was like, I don't know, seeing everything without wool over my eyes. That's the underlying reason for me being upset."
"While we were hanging out, she reminded me that I am indeed pretty, hot, and that people would 'kill for my body type' (her words). She also said that I might be developing/have body dysmorphia. She also showed me some photos that she took of me in December on our girls' trip which made me kinda feel better."
"After looking at all of your comments, I broke up with him yesterday morning."
"He seemed really… surprised? And sad. He said he was just 'worried about my health' and that he doesn't understand why I'd think he didn't like me because of my weight."
"There were a bunch of other things leading up to this, as well. He also said a bunch of other stuff and more or less begged me not to end things."
It was obvious to everyone else that this boyfriend was bad news, and everyone expressed relief when the OP woke up to his comments, literally, and broke up with him.
Since he seemed to be so eager for her to lose some weight, the fastest way was to dump 170 pounds of it. That should do the trick.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.