When two people get together and decide to get married, there are going to be aspects of their shared lifestyle that the couple will have to discuss and compromise on.
But wanting a clean home and some homecooked meals from time to time seems pretty reasonable, shrugged the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor HopefulShelter3491 loved his wife but became increasingly disheartened by her "inconsistent" performance at home as a stay-at-home wife who was much more interested in what was on her phone than the state of their home.
When she didn't even prepare lunch for him before a lengthy work trip, after he asked her to prepare it multiple times, the Original Poster (OP) decided that his wife either needed to step it up as his stay-at-home wife or go home to her mother.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for threatening to divorce my wife if she didn't become a proper homemaker in the next month?"
The OP needed more consistent support from his wife at home.
"My wife and I have been married for four years. I'm 33 and male, and she's 32. Her name is Steph."
"Steph is a SAHW (Stay-at-Home Wife), and since we got married, she has been incredibly inconsistent with household chores."
"I work a physically demanding job, and it would really help if Steph could at least cook dinner more than once or twice a week."
"Instead, she sits at the dinner table, hunched over her phone for hours a day. She's completely addicted to it, but she refuses to even have a conversation about this."
The final straw for the OP came in the form of an unpacked lunch.
"Now, about twice a year, I have an opportunity to visit a foreign country for work. The nature of the work is to supervise construction and instruct the workers there. The compensation for these trips is always fantastic, and Steph is appreciative when I go because I bring home a pretty fat paycheck after."
"Three weeks ago, I was about to depart for two weeks on such a trip."
"At around 10:00 AM, I texted Steph and said that time was tight, but I'd be home at 12:30 to pick up my luggage. I asked her if she would make me something for lunch and she agreed to do so. I emphasized that I had about ten minutes to stuff my face and then get to the airport."
"At 11:00 AM, I texted her again, saying I'd be home as planned at 12:30. Again, she said 'OK.'"
"At 12:00 PM, I texted her, saying that I was leaving. I walked in the door at exactly 12:30, only to find her sitting at the dinner table, hunched over her phone."
"When I walked in, she gave me this bewildered look. She had done literally nothing. Nothing was cooking."
"Steph stood up in a panic and said she'd start making me lunch, but I told her that it was pointless."
"She sheepishly apologized, and I responded, 'Don't say sorry. Just be less f**king useless.'"
"This made her very upset. I just picked up my luggage, left, and went to the airport. I did manage to pick up some food at the airport, but I really would have liked a home-cooked meal before eating out every day for two weeks."
Steph tried to lash out about the OP's closing comment but received an ultimatum instead.
"I got home last week, and Steph was still angry. She said that what I said to her was over the top."
"I asked what she had been doing those two weeks, and she insisted that she was 'super busy' (as in: scrolling through Instagram and watching Netflix)."
"I gave her an ultimatum: that she had one month, until January 10th, to get her s**t together and be a proper homemaker. I told her that if she couldn't, I was going to divorce her."
"Steph was super upset, and for the past week, she has been sulking (see: more Instagram and Netflix)."
"She told her family about it, and her mother basically blamed me for Steph's lack of direction in life."
"I know it's nonsense that a 32-year-old woman needs to have her hand held to do anything, but was I being ridiculous with my ultimatum?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they completely understood why the OP reacted the way he did.
"NTA, as someone who's lucky enough to be a SAHW (Stay-at-Home Wife). My husband gets actually upset when I tell people I do "nothing" when they ask what I do, knowing they mean 'for work.'"
"So speaking as someone in her (in my opinion, privileged) position, I was actually p**sed for OP when he walked in to no lunch (after two 'warnings,' or rather, 'time check-ins'). Those of us who get to stay home before kids are even involved have life as a cakewalk."
"I know that and so does she. Except for her, she got comfortable (which isn't necessarily bad) BUT I'm comfortable, because I 'work' while my husband's at work, cleaning, laundry, animal care, etc. and I'm off when he is. He gets home, I'm also not 'expected' to be doing anything."
"We typically take turns making dinner, though, as he enjoys cooking. Same deal on weekends, anything being done is typically team effort projects during that time."
"He doesn't care if I don't do a single dish, or a single load of laundry over the weekend. Sunday nights, I make sure we have; groceries to make his lunch, and clean work clothes."
"I say all of this to say, OP in his post seems like he'd hold her to the same expectations, considering she's been like this for X amount of time and he's just now lost his patience." - Basicallyacrow7
"I came into this thinking you were going to be the a**hole; that maybe you're complaining about how she cooks and cleans or something."
"But reading that she only makes two meals a week, and didn't even bother preparing you one last lunch on your last day in town, when you specifically asked her to, and gave her a heads up twice that you were on your way home?! NTA!!"
"The fact that she was glued to her phone makes this even worse, because phones have clocks on them... and if she knows she loses track of time easily, she could have set an alarm for 12 and had something ready for you easily by 12:30. Anyone who is responsible but also struggles with time blindness knows that." - Secret_Sister_Sarah
"The value of a spotless home and ready cooked meals can be tremendous. Compare to the opposite, where both spouses get home after a long, hard day of work, cortisol through the roof, and now you are scrambling around to make dinner and pickup the home before you jump in bed to do it all again."
"Tempers flare. Frustrations mount."
"It can literally be life and relationship saving. My spouse and I talk about it a lot, and eventually, I think we will choose this lifestyle. We are actively planning to try and escape the rat race and live this way." - invariant_conscious
"1000000% NTA. I'm very, very lucky to be a SAHW, because I had some severe anxiety issues with the public (which I am working on), and my husband makes enough to take care of us and wanted me to be okay."
"So I stay home and: keep the house clean, and all that entails; keep the yard done (he travels for work so can't do it all the time); make sure the dog walked and entertained; and ensure the laundry done and folded to be packed when he has to leave."
"And I enjoy it. He works hard and does it because he loves me. The LEAST I can do is keep the house clean and love him back, lol (laughing out loud)."
"She can do work at home or work away from home but you have to put some effort into it!"
"The biggest difference between my fellow stay-at-home wives in the comments and the one in OP's life, is we actually DO complete the chores and housework, and OP's doesn't. Very simple. She needs to step it up if she wants the title of a SAHW." - cute_but_notOkay
"My husband and I have the same dynamic and it's amazing. The only real downside is that our friends think I'm an unemployed bum. But he gets paid extra money to take care of our necessities and I still bring in money and help with the bills while covering more of our wants rather than needs."
"It works for us. He likes the fact that he comes home to a clean house and I like the control I have of my routine and the fact that I can crochet and read as much as I want. Or doom scroll like she does."
"But I do all of that in the morning and all of the chores in the afternoon before he gets home from work."
"It's a privilege. I make sure to pull my weight because he definitely has every right to ask me to go out and get a job right now." - littlecountry69
Others wondered if the mother-in-law (MIL) was more of a problem than the OP realized.
"MIL is blaming him for her lack of direction. Then maybe she should go find a direction." - chthuluhavemercy
"I suspect that her mom is the person to blame for this."
"She seems to think that it's OP's job to push and encourage Steph (see: do everything for her). Which tells me that there's a good chance his MIL did EVERYTHING for Steph."
"So since it was MIL's self-appointed job, it's now OP's job. It seems as though MIL set Steph up to fail by coddling her and always doing everything for her."
"She never taught her daughter any independence, how to think for herself, or be ambitious without being pushed into a particular direction and given step-by-step instructions."
"OP should send her right back to her mom's. Mom made this mess. She can 'fix it.'" - CatmoCatmo
"I bet Steph's mother didn't prepare her for an independent life. Her mother did everything for her. Now, she doesn't want that responsibility back on her shoulders." - inkslingerben
"OP doesn't have a wife. He's raising a child. 32 years old. No career. No nothing."
"Is a SAHW that does absolutely nothing OP should disable her ability to use the Internet from her phone. There are several VPNs that have device blockers. So that the device cannot access the home WiFi."
"Realistically, OP should initiate divorce proceedings. He should get his finances in order. Start stashing assets, close all accounts where both names are on the accounts." - nvrhsot
"He married her; he did not adopt her. The OP can throw all that back in the MIL's face." – Mercutiolivesh87
"He said he wants to divorce her because she's not a good homemaker, where I think he should've said it was because she wasn't pulling her weight. The mother-in-law needs to understand that both of these stances are valid concerns." - bitbythewind
The subReddit not only found the OP's frustration to be understandable but necessary, given the OP's wife's age and lack of direction in life.
With no job and nothing done at home except scrolling on her phone and television, the OP's wife needed to discover her passion beyond the screen.
Maybe then her marriage and her life would turn around.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.