As much as we might like to hope that everyone will step up to the plate, some people are not cut out to be parents.
When two people realize their relationship isn’t going to work out, even though children are involved, it’s important to get clear on how they’ll take care of the kids, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA-separate11 knew that their soon-to-be ex-husband wasn’t interested in stepping up as a dad, and they were already worried about being fired because of the number of times they had to step in and cover for their ex.
But when their daycare called Child Protective Services when he didn’t pick their child up on time, the Original Poster (OP) had a moment of feeling vengeance for the situation.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for letting daycare call Child Protective Services (CPS) when my soon-to-be ex-husband failed to pick up our toddler from daycare?”
The OP’s soon-to-be ex-husband wanted half custody without putting in the work.
“We’re in a trial separation. He wants half custody. It’s been several months, and it was the eighth time daycare has called me because he was unable to pick up our toddler.”
“Sometimes he was just a ‘no show’ and the daycare would call me because it’s already been half an hour since their official close time.”
“Every time, the daycare is p**sed at me for making them stay overtime and we’re charged two dollars per minute for being late.”
“They threaten to call authorities and CPS if we keep doing this. I tried to explain the problem, but daycare doesn’t care (as they shouldn’t).”
When their ex no-showed again, it was the final straw.
“Well, last week, it happened again, and I told daycare to go ahead and call the authorities and CPS.”
“My soon-to-be ex-husband showed up an hour late and met our toddler there with the cops. Daycare also threatened to kick our toddler out (again, understandably so).”
“My ex-husband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler.”
“I told him I warned him multiple times in the past, and issues only arise when he has ‘custody’ (we switch with each week, trialing house swap too). I told him repeatedly that if he cannot get out of work reliably, he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny, and he cannot rely on me as his primary backup.”
“(I’d get it if it was like once or twice a year, or if babysitter/nanny plans fell through… but if I’m his ex-wife and he has custody, he shouldn’t depend on me as his primary backup.)”
The OP hoped it would be worth it in the end.
“And I also felt bad about leaving our toddler, but if we separated, this would only keep happening, and I felt short-term pain might be worth the long-term gain.”
“I feel bad our toddler is caught in the middle, but was I the AH for letting daycare call CPS?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that if their ex wanted to share custody, he needed to do the work.
“NTA. If he wants to share custody, he needs to do the work half the time or deal with the consequences like an adult.” – Lurking_87
“I have a family member going through a divorce. Stbx wants full custody, but still wants her to have the kids full-time so ‘she can raise them.’ He’ll just pop in and out when it works for him.”
“And he’s shocked/pissed she isn’t going for it, lol.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy acts mutually shocked when the OP doesn’t go for splitting custody when he can’t even keep the time for pickup straight.” – mrshanana
“What is it with people proposing a ‘heads I win; tails you lose’ scenario and being genuinely rankled when the other person says no? Do these guys genuinely think that everyone but them operates on cartoon robot levels of intelligence?” – Redqueenhypo
“OP, don’t bail him out. My neighbor has been divorced for three years, and her piece of s**t ex still relies on her but doesn’t compromise for her and uses it to control her. If he can’t handle 50% custody, then that’s his problem.” – mrsgrabs
“It’s wild how some people want 50/50 custody but put in like… 12 percent of the effort. You don’t get a gold star just for wanting to be a dad, show up on time, man.” – jacobesonex34
Others reassured the OP that the CPS calls and their daycare’s testimony would weigh in their favor.
“OP needs to see if she can get testimony/a written statement from the daycare stating they only have issues when the dad has primary custody. I have never been through a custody battle, but I’m assuming their statement would hold some weight?” – MamaFrijoles
“The CPS statements are taken a lot more seriously. This guy’s upset because he knows she’s got him in his short and curlies.” – No_Bluebird7716
“Refusing to pick your child up because you’re working even though your husband is showing he’s unreliable has the potential to backfire on you massively, especially given your ‘trial separation’ probably doesn’t have legal weight.”
“You need to get a lawyer if you don’t already have one and follow their advice to the letter.” – moomintrolley
“Please be careful that you don’t screw yourself over with this. Yes, your ex should have consequences for failing to care for your son by not picking him up from daycare during his parenting time. However, you may not be helping yourself in the upcoming custody battle by telling the daycare to go ahead and call CPS.”
“Instead, go pick your son up, Every. Single. Time. and document it. Ask the daycare to call your stbx before calling you and to keep a record for you of how many times he has to be called because he is late or a no-show.”
“Use that documentation of your ex’s irresponsibility in making sure your child is cared for to get full custody of your son, limited visitation, and full child support.” – sunnygal001
“Do not allow CPS in this any longer. It will bite you just as much as him. Lawyer, and document, document, document.”
“He only wants 50/50 to avoid child support. He clearly cannot handle solo parenting, whether by choice or circumstance. Proceed to divorce and stop drawing this out – your baby deserves stability.” – ChaoticCapricorn
Some cautioned the OP to step in and take care of her child every time instead.
“I don’t think you’re understanding that if you are not divorced yet, you are both legally responsible for your child at ALL times. Be bitter and petty all you want once the custody and divorce are finalized, but in court YOU WILL ALSO look like the negligent one here.” – Strange_Fig_9837
“Your feelings are valid, but beware that when it comes to the custody battle portion of the divorce, the CPS being called to come to daycare might come back to bite you in the a**, too. In my opinion, it’d be better to document his late arrivals and no-shows than to allow CPS to get involved.” – Effective-Chain9846
“I think it hurts right now, and you’re questioning it because you’re a good mom, but in the long run, you did the right thing. Hopefully, your separate times are well documented, and so are your conversations with him, because if he doesn’t have time for 50/50 custod,y he doesn’t deserve it, and the courts probably wouldn’t have seen any problem with it if you didnt involve authorities.” – Aggravating_Angel
“Anyone in this thread thinking of the trauma the child is getting with cops and CPS. This is why I hated my parents’ divorce; I was the afterthought.”
“And CPS could deem them both unfit and send the child to a foster home and who knows what would happen then.” – spidermonkeyron21
“YTA big time. Record evidence of these instances, use them when it’s time to demonstrate his lack of ability to care for the child. Don’t leave a f**king toddler stranded without their parents and stressed-out daycare workers. This is beyond insanity.” – ohmysun
“ESH. Your soon-to-be ex-husband is an a**hole and absolutely should be more responsible and adjust his schedule.”
“That said, if you could have picked him up and didn’t, you also are the a**hole. You wasted valuable CPS time for a child who wasn’t being abused or neglected. Also, maybe you don’t understand that both parents are parties to a CPS case, and having that on your record can damage you professionally.”
“More important, whether or not you are your STBX’s primary backup, you are always and forever your child’s primary backup when your child is in his other parent’s care.
Here’s how you handle it: get a written parenting plan for your separation. If your ex keeps violating the timely pickup from daycare provision, bring a motion for contempt. That’s all.” – Curious-One4595
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset and why she allowed the daycare to make that phone call, but they were more worried about them doing the right thing for their child.
They could easily still prove that their ex-partner was negligent without leaving their child waiting, and while they couldn’t leave work all the time, it would be worth finding a babysitter at least while this trial separation was running its course.