Being a role model for a child isn’t always easy.
There are so many pratfalls in life for people to get tripped up on.
Children learn by example, but they also learn by being explicitly told what is right and wrong.
Adults are going to make mistakes and mistakes can be explained in learning lessons.
Some people take issue with that idea.
Redditor Dependent_Scheme_370 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for having a large glass of coffee in front of my nephew?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (26 M[ale]) nephew (5) likes to copy me.”
“I’m not entirely sure why.”
“It could be that I’m the closest older male relative he’s got; his dad is alive but left my sister (30) him for someone else and only sends child support.”
“Doesn’t turn up.”
“So my sister insists that I set a good example, which I don’t have any issues with.”
“I don’t smoke, and I only drink very occasionally.”
“Talking about events like weddings and stuff.”
“No excessive imbibing.”
“I also generally prefer healthier food options like fish and vegetables.”
“Only have to refrain from eating potato chips when the kid is around.”
“But then yesterday, we were at a cafe together, and I ordered a large hazelnut latte.”
“Something I always order when I visit the place, but it was my first time going there with my sister and nephew.”
“My sister frowned and told me I shouldn’t drink such sweet stuff (the place probably does put a lot of sugar into their drinks, given how it tastes).”
“She was quite upset at me for drinking something like that in front of my nephew, saying she doesn’t want him to want such drinks because he sees me drinking it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“She doesn’t want him to want such drinks because he sees me drinking it.”
“I guess she should parent her kid then?”
“Growing up I saw lots of stuff I wanted: soda, candy, etc; however none of those were things my parents kept in the house.”
“I could have them on special occasions but it wasn’t an everyday thing.”
“I accepted this as part of being a kid because that was the expectation that my parents set for me and it sounds like your sister needs to do the same. NTA.” ~ Paul-Kersey
“Right? They say here, ‘No is a complete sentence.'”
“‘No you cannot have what uncle is drinking, it is a grown-up drink. I’m sorry you’re sad, but you can have one when you’re older.'”
“‘If you continue to cry, we will go home and no tablet for the rest of the night.'”
“I would never not eat chips in front of my nibblings.”
“I’d laugh right in the parent’s face when they asked. No.” ~ lithium_woman
“I’m Gen X so I remember a lot of things adults did that we weren’t allowed to do.”
“Hell, the corner store had a cigarette machine and it was normal to see a child buying cigarettes for their parents.”
“We all knew what we could do and what we couldn’t.”
“I can’t count the number of times I had ‘coffee’ with my mom, which was just tea or juice.”
“Sister needs to parent her child, just as you said.” ~ Major_Zucchini5315
“I’m a Millennial and my older relatives (including parents) 100% drank alcohol and coffee in front of me, none smoked in front of me (but really none of them were smokers).”
“Hell my parents, even let my sister and I have a sip of their alcohol, neither of us liked it at the time so when we asked what someone was drinking and if we could try it they said it was an ‘adult’ drink and you don’t like it and we believed it.
“At Christmas this year with my niece around we all had some wine with dinner, yes she did want to try it, but when told no that is an adult drink she expected it.” ~ StructEngineer91
“We always had soda, chips, etc in the house growing up but my parents let us know they weren’t everyday foods and my brother and I could easily understand that.”
“At 40, I only drink soda with pizza.”
“The mom should be teaching her child moderation not whatever this is. NTA.” ~ FiggyP55
“Saw my family drinking alcohol and when I wanted to taste they said no I was too young for it.”
“I accepted that and moved on with my life.”
“I did, in my teems, sneak a sip of beer from an opened can in the fridge.”
“That sip made me swear off beer as I did not like the taste.”
“I did get to taste test wine in High Schoolo because my Home Ec. teacher thought it was a good learning experience.”
“I did learn that I probably did not like any alcohol that tasted bitter… or the wine was crap or both.” ~ Crystal_Lily
“Seriously. Like he can’t eat potato chips in front of the kid?”
“I’m kind of a people pleaser, but I also have principles.”
“Like, if I want chips, I’m an adult and I’m gonna have some.”
“He’s stepping up, but shouldn’t have to bend over backwards.”
“And being a good role model has absolutely nothing to do with eating chips in my opinion.”
“I hate to see what happens when she finds a guy and wants him to do what OP is doing.”
“Most people would nope out real quick.” ~ mufasamufasamufasa
“NTA. Setting a good example doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to drink coffee in front of a 5-year-old.”
“If your sister doesn’t want him to see that, then she shouldn’t have taken him to a cafe.” ~ ExistenceRaisin
“The world is full of things you cannot or should not have.”
“Does that mean the child should stay in their own room their whole life?”
“It’s in the nature of a child to be curious and want things.”
“This is where a parent should say ‘no.'”
“Sister just seems lazy and wants her brother to be the parent she thinks someone should be.” ~ Embarrassed-Way5926
“I agree. Setting a good example doesn’t mean only doing things the child is allowed to do.”
“It means teaching and modeling healthy behaviors.”
“I would suggest that the mother is doing the child no favors if she is being this restrictive because as they grow the child will not learn to make healthy choices for themselves or about moderation.”
“My parents were very controlling and restrictive with food and it has caused me a lot of issues (which I am working on).” ~ 24-Hour-Hate
“NTA… and your sister is being ridiculous.”
“Maybe she’s worried about spoiling her son to make up for his dad’s absence and has swung too far the other way.”
“Is she going to insist you never drive in his presence in case he wants a car?”
“Oh, but you can’t get the bus on your own, you need a grownup with you.”
“Do you have a strict bedtime if you’re visiting her?”
“Do you need to ask her permission to get down from the table because you need a wee-wee?”
“Maybe suggest she says something like ‘Uncle John can have a big coffee because he’s a grownup, but if you’re good we can get you a (kid-size) hot chocolate next time.'” ~ knitpurlknitoops
“NTA. If she can’t learn to parent her kid and tell him no, she’s in for a hard time.”
“Parents have to say no to their child nearly daily for the entire duration.”
“He’s going to see people have things he doesn’t have for his whole life.”
“She’s being ignorant.” ~ stophittingthyself
“NTA. There are things that adults can have that are denied to children.”
“It sounds like your sister needs to start saying no to her son and sticking to it, rather than outsourcing parenting to you.” ~ No_Philosopher_1870
“NTA. Your nephew is not too young to understand that some things are for grown-ups only, and your sister needs to step up and parent him around that.” ~ TeenySod
“NTA. It’s one sugary drink, not like u drink them every single day.”
“If she’s that worried maybe she should just explain to him that it’s a grown-up treat and not for kids.”
“It’s her kid, her responsibility to teach him about healthy choices.” ~ Pearlgloow
“NTA. One of my nephews copies what I do and acts like a mini version of me, even when I’m not around.”
“He’s been doing so since he was 5.”
“His mum doesn’t let him drink fizzy stuff or high-sugar foods.”
“Whereas I do so all the time.”
“I don’t press him to do it and he’s not developed a taste for it.”
“The responsibility is for the mum to enforce healthy eating habits and the rest of the family can support that.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m giving up my yummy drinks.” ~ Corfe-Castle
“NTA, it’s her job as a parent to parent her child.”
“She tries to parent you instead of him us lazy and wrong towards you.”
“You have no obligation to do as she says.”
“She should focus on her own child.” ~ EarlyElderberry7215
“Obviously NTA.”
“And yes, that’s exactly why he copies you.”
“You have the opportunity (but not the obligation) to be a huge figure in his life, helping him through.”
“If, for example, you were willing to babysit him once a week to give your sister a break, that would likely be great for everyone, and rewarding for you.”
“Kids need interaction, affection, and a good example.”
“So if you can take him to the park and show him how we look after little ones and let them take turns, but stand up for ourselves with peers, etc, that would be an amazing thing to do.”
“Unfortunately, there are a lot of stereotypes and fronting among boys and if they don’t get to see behind the curtain – dads who are affectionate, men who are open and not defensive – they assume that the role they have to inhabit is the stoic, gruff one they see.”
“You don’t have to be that guy for this child, but it would be wonderful if you were.”
“Incidentally, one thing that may not be apparent: any guy your sister introduces her son to, he will likely latch onto.”
“Single parents are usually wary of introducing new partners for a long time as a result, in case things don’t work out.”
“The great thing about you is that you’re family, so you can be a stable adult in his life that no one has to worry about you suddenly not being part of his life.” ~ NiceyChappe
“NTA, your sister needs to stop controlling what you do around your nephew.”
“She also needs to step up and parent her child and tell him why he can’t have the same things as you all the time.”
“My 3-year-old niece went through of phase of wanting to do everything I did.”
“Her mother and I worked together to tell her that what auntie was drinking was too spicy (soda) or too hot (coffee), maybe she could try it when she’s older but not right now.”
“Does my niece sometimes throw a fit over it?”
“Yes, but that comes with the territory and sometimes you just gotta roll with it or offer an alternative the child CAN have.” ~ crocodilezebramilk
“NTA – kids can’t have everything they want when they are younger and a cup of coffee is one of those things which becomes a learning experience for the kids being told why they can’t have it.”
“Sister needs to teach these lessons and not expect you to alter your drinking choices.” ~ Senior-Tradition4171
“You are setting a great example for the kid, meaning that you show him you enjoy healthy food, but there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a sugary drink every now and then.”
“Your sister needs to calm down and remember that you are not the father. NTA.” ~ Siossojowy
“NTA. Wow, that’s ridiculous.”
“It’s not your job to parent him.”
“And does she really think she is going to shield him from seeing adults drinking coffee?”
“Does she not say, ‘no’ to him, ever?”
“You can drink whatever the hell you want, even if it is sweet, and yes in front of your nephew.”
“Yes kids copy, it’s natural, but you can absolutely still tell them, ‘no.'”
“My husband drinks coffee and coffee drinks and our child isn’t demanding he gets to drink them too, we get him something more appropriate (and that he would actually like).”
“It’s crazy enough you can’t eat chips in front of him, or that he can’t have any either (Jesus).” ~ MissKQueenofCurves
“Sorry, by the age of two children can understand that some things are for adults and not for children.”
“This would include coffee and other caffeinated beverages.”
“If this were not the case, three-quarters of the parents in the world wouldn’t be able to survive until lunchtime.”
“Your sister’s request is ridiculous.”
“Drinking coffee or a glass of wine in front of a five-year-old is not the same as snorting drugs in the nursery and is far from setting a bad example. NTA.” ~ Nester1953
“NTA, this feels so asinine I’m not sure how to articulate it.”
“Is he never going to be allowed to go into public, have friends, or watch TV?
“What are they both going to do when he goes to college/university?”
“You have to give a child experiences and teach them how to handle unhealthy things in moderation.”
“This has the potential to be a tragic fall from the tall unicorn she has set this child on.” ~ Theaudacity-is
“NTA – so you can only drink water in front of him?”
“It’s great he looks up to you and clearly adores you and that he’s got a male role model in his life but you can’t put your life on hold for him. What next?”
“You can’t order pizza or drink a beer at home in case she comes round with him?”
“This is also why some places have the kid or pup cup things, so they can have similar but without all the stimulants etc that would come in a coffee.”
“Hope you enjoyed your latte!!” ~ bristolmary
“NTA. Tell her if she wanted someone to role model full time for her kid, she should have gotten pregnant by someone like that.” ~ KnightofForestsWild
“NTA, your sister needs to parent and explain to her kid that some things are not meant for kids and that he will be able to try them when he is older.” ~ sirennico
“NTA… and that’s really horrible towards the kid’s growth and do some parenting instead of projecting it on everybody else.” ~ Alpacachoppa
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are not this boy’s parent.
You’re already the best Uncle and example you can be.
Setting a good example doesn’t mean stopping your own life.
Your sister needs to start teaching boundaries.
Good luck.