We all know that no relationship is perfect, but the truth that we’re less likely to think about is the fact that even a good relationship will change, and perhaps weaken, over time.
What makes a successful long-term marriage stand out from the rest is the couple’s willingness to work on their issues together, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
For the past ten years, Redditor Stock-Rate1727 had done what he could to help his wife through a variety of health issues as well as intimacy issues, both in the bedroom and in day-to-day life.
When his wife showed no willingness to work on her issues or help her husband with his efforts, the Original Poster (OP) began to wonder if their relationship would be able to withstand their problems.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for embarrassing my wife in front of her family with a comment about our sex life?”
The OP had multiple concerns about his marriage in recent years.
“My wife (33 Female) and I (34 Male) have been together for 17 years and married for 13.”
“Within the last five or six years, our sex life has gone down the drain. We have sex once every couple of months with no intimacy or build-up in between, and the act of sex always seems rushed.”
“I’ll try to initiate foreplay, but she wants to skip it and get straight into the act, and then move on.”
“I still try to date my wife and take her on dates twice a month, buy flowers randomly, and do other things to build intimacy outside of sex, but it never gets reciprocated and eventually never goes anywhere.”
“And before anyone says anything, I work from home and do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, kids appointments, homework, PTA meetings, etc.”
Worse, the OP’s wife was not receptive to his concerns.
“I’ve tried talking to her about what’s going on and what she needs from me, and offered to do counseling, but she always says it’s her, not me.”
“She will say she loves me and is attracted to me until she is blue in the face, but she won’t do anything differently.”
“She will show affection when family and friends are over and will post videos on Snapchat with her being touchy and affectionate, but when people aren’t there to see, she will stop.”
“Every once in a while, she’ll have an epiphany about how bad things are, and she’ll feel bad about it but still won’t change.”
“A few weeks ago, we were getting ready for a date, and I saw her take a picture of herself in her underwear and send it in a text message. I asked her who she was sending that to, and she said she sent it to me.”
“To her credit, my phone dinged as I was asking her, including the pictures she just sent. She claimed that my questioning her like that made her realize how little she does things like that anymore and she needs to change, but she still hasn’t.”
The OP finally had enough.
“So this past weekend, her four sisters came over for the Fourth of July, and we hung out and drank together. Towards the end of the night, she was pretty tipsy and made a comment about what she was going to do to me that night.”
“I told her, ‘No thank you. I’m not in the mood for 20 minutes with no foreplay until you get your rocks off just so you can ignore me again for the next 30 days.'”
“Everybody got quiet, and I excused myself for the rest of the night.”
“The next day when everyone left, she said that I embarrassed her and shouldn’t have put our business out there like that.”
“AITAH?
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP and the tough situation he found himself in.
“I personally WOULD NOT have made the exact comment you did, but I also would not have let that comment go w/o a ‘fact check.'”
“To anyone saying ‘don’t air your laundry,’ she aired it with her comment, and he’s just correcting the ‘record’ per se. It’s not like he just randomly blurted out the dead bedroom situation, for f**k’s sake. Everyone has a limit to being hurt, and this was his. NTA.” – beyech
“She knows she is doing wrong, but literally can’t, or won’t?, change it.”
“Now if she knows she should listen to the doctors but doesn’t, then you can’t do a thing about that.”
“So for your own mental health, you have to walk away! I believe, you tried long enough. You can’t help her. But you can help yourself.”
“Divorce, if that is what you think is in your and the kids’ best interest.”
“Sorry.” – Deep_Rig_1820
“I find it so strange that she wants to keep up the image of intimacy in front of others but has no real desire to actually keep up the intimacy. I really think she needs to see a doctor and/or therapist. I’d also suggest you both go to counseling together. But I applaud YOU for all the work you’ve done already; it’s time for her to step up and help the marriage, too.” – UmmmItsRhi
“Your wife’s behavior towards you is unfair and hurtful. You’ve made consistent efforts to communicate, show affection, and maintain intimacy, yet she repeatedly dismisses your needs and refuses counseling.”
“Your frustration is valid, and it’s crucial to address these issues openly and seek resolution together.” – LindacObregon
“NTA as you’re human and makes sense to be frustrated with someone trying to make seem like they’re all that without putting in the actual effort.”
“She pretends to be physically affectionate on social media and in front of others. She is definitely the AH, and at this point, there is no way for OP to call her out without her being embarrassed.”
“That being said, you’ve been together a very long time. Even if it’s just a her issue, you guys should definitely go to counseling.” – justalwayscurious
Others agreed but encouraged the OP to truly communicate his concerns to his wife.
“I read this post and your old post about your wife’s pain.”
“It seems like you’ve done everything imaginable to your best ability to be there for this woman. You have tried accommodating diets, schedules, bill responsibilities, and showing up by initiating physical and emotional intimacy. I think you’ve done a great job.”
“I’m sure over the years you have had arguments, exchanged not so great comments, had not so great moments in front of others.. etc etc. That is marriage and a life with someone when you care and love them.”
“I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. ‘AITAH’ shouldn’t be your top of mind because you have a bigger fish to fry. Which is your marital issues.”
“It seems like this has been going on for a long time.”
“She’s refusing counseling, refusing medical advice, refusing your own personal help and advice…”
“OP, it’s time to lay down your cards and say everything you’ve been thinking and feeling with your wife. Time to have those difficult but honest conversations, of course staying respectful. Then, making a decision from there.”
“Good luck.” – Anxious_Move_3529
“He is doing most of chores, got a promotion to allow her not to have to work, took her constantly to dates, and medical appointments, took lessons to improve his cooking skills to prepare her healthy food, etc, for 10 years.”
“But she refuses to improve her own health or share intimacy with her husband. What is she bringing into this relationship?” – ChocolateSupport
“Please urge her to get her hormone levels checked. A really in-depth check, not just the top two most people know about. It’s a big issue in a relationship and intimacy or lack of is an important factor.”
“I struggle with my hormones, and I feel dead inside, and I know it hurts my husband. It’s 100% all my issue, so please believe her that it’s not you and that it hurts. I miss those feelings, I want those feelings, and I don’t feel like a woman. I’m not sure if it helps at all, but it’s not anything you’re doing wrong.” – KeyHovercraft2637
“NTA. Your frustration just came to a head as she was putting on a show. Sorry brother went through this when my wife had depression. It can totally kill their drive understandably.”
“It literally took me two years and three major blow-ups to finally get her to see what it was doing to our marriage. And I’m in the same boat I was a SAHD of three.”
“But happy to say it’s finally gotten better. Seems the spark is back.”
“If you love her, keep fighting… Because she is right it is her and you need to help her realize she needs some kind of help either couples/singles therapy.”
“Has she been depressed at all lately or showing signs of it? Seems like she is pulling away just like my wife was.”
“I wish you the best and keep FIGHTING because she does still love you.” – theymademeee
“Everyone here seems to be assuming that your wife puts on an act in front of other people to hurt you, and maybe you’re assuming that too, but have you ever told her how much it’s hurting you?”
“It’s normal for couples to act affectionate around other people, and if they aren’t in a great place at the time, they usually still pretend because they don’t want to drag other people into their relationship drama. Maybe that’s why she’s doing it or maybe she felt like it would add more stress to the relationship if she didn’t force herself to at least act that way while others are around, but when you’re alone together, she stops because she doesn’t want to lie to you by acting.”
“If you haven’t told her that it’s hurting you, then she’s not being cruel.”
“Before jumping to divorce, I think you should, you know, actually tell her how serious the situation is and find out if that’s enough to motivate her to make an effort where she can. Explain that you love her and you’re scared that if something doesn’t change, there will be a permanent rift in your relationship.”
“Be careful not to blame her for things that truly aren’t in her control and don’t bring up stuff like her not losing weight (there might be a time for that discussion in the future, but right now, it’ll just make her withdraw more and if you actually want to still give this a try then that will be counterproductive).”
“Ask her again to go to couples therapy and emphasize that you want and need this for the sake of your relationship. Aside from hopefully being a way to work through this together, getting her into any kind of therapy will hopefully jumpstart her getting proper treatment for what sounds like severe depression and anxiety.”
“(Don’t explain that last part though. She’ll feel like you’re manipulating her. I’m just saying it might hopefully be a side benefit.) NTA, but keep trying.” – ParanoiaFreedom
It seemed there might be more conversation with the OP coming in the future.
In a previous post, the OP had voiced concerns about being able to do anything with his wife because of her chronic back pain that began nine years prior when one of her sciatic nerves was pinched during her second pregnancy. Some Redditors voiced concerns about her willingness and interest in having sex because of that post.
To those concerns and other reactions, the OP replied:
“For all those who have commented, thank you for providing different insight, it’s helpful.”
“For those who mentioned my older post about my wife’s chronic back pain, please tell me, what am I supposed to do? I’m not being sarcastic. I’ve done everything I can think of to be there for my wife and children, but I’m not a doctor, so how do I help someone who refuses the advice of multiple other competent medical professionals?”
“What am I supposed to do when someone acknowledges that there is a problem but does nothing to fix it?”
“What do I do when someone withholds sex and all other forms of intimacy unless someone else is there to witness it?”
“If I’m the AH, fine, but what am I supposed to do differently?”
While the subReddit could understand how frustrated the OP was, and they could even justify what he had said in front of his sisters-in-law, they urged him to either move on out of the marriage or do more to communicate with his wife.
Expressing concerns is a great place to start, but sometimes until you pointedly tell someone how much they’re hurting you, they’ll feel little motivation to actually change their behavior.
Maybe that’s the wakeup call the OP’s wife needed.