While the gender of a future baby is not a highlight for all parents, some parents find great joy in discovering whether they will have a son or daughter in the next few months.
It’s not hard to respect parents for what brings them joy, rather than trying to ruin the surprise, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
But Redditor Josebdh’s parents did not seem to get the memo, as they instead pressured the gender reveal coordinator into telling them what the gender of their future grandchild would be.
While that would have already been a huge overstep, the fact that they then ruined the surprise for the Original Poster (OP) and his wife only served as rubbing salt in the wound.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for being upset at my parents for going behind our backs to find out the gender of our baby prior to our gender reveal, and then inadvertently ruining the surprise for the two of us?”
The OP’s parents were pushy about knowing the gender of their grandchild.
“We recently had a gender reveal party (it’s a baby girl, by the way).”
“One of our parents decided to reach out to the person responsible for setting everything up and repeatedly asked her until she felt pressured enough to passively reveal (or at least not deny) the gender to them.”
“They then insisted that a gift would be delivered to our house the day of the party and told us not to open it until after the reveal. Of course, they denied that they knew the actual gender up to the day of the party.”
It was immediately obvious that they knew the gender of the future baby.
“Sure enough, the Amazon delivery guy came early the day of the party and delivered a big f**king pink box with the words ‘baby girl gifts’ to our front door.”
“Of course, at that point, it became obvious that what most likely happened was that they ordered a baby girl gift through Amazon and assumed that it was gonna be delivered in a regular delivery box.”
“Safe to say, we immediately knew and had to pretend the entire time to appear surprised. It felt forced and fake. I never thought something so transient/inconsequential would matter to me (as the dad), but honestly, I felt robbed of something I’ll never get back.”
The OP confronted his parents right after the party.
“Following the party, we confronted our parents with our feelings about the entire situation and how intrusive and deceitful it felt.”
“One of them apologized immediately, but the other one has not and is upset because we did not seem to recognize the underlying intention (love and excitement) and are focusing on an unfortunate situation outside of our control.”
“While we recognize that the intention was good and obviously love them unconditionally, it seems we are locked in a battle of will as part of both parties feel wronged.”
“What would you do? Demand an apology for the overreach of privacy and going against our wishes, or let the Amazon complimentary gift-wrapping mishap slide and focus on the underlying intention?”
“AITAH for being upset?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP for being upset about this special moment.
“NTA.”
“The intention wasn’t good, it was controlling. They couldn’t stand not having private medical information, so they pressured the person who had it behind your back. They had to have it their way, even if it meant ruining your event.”
“If you let them get away with this, it will get so much worse when the baby is born.”
“And I don’t mean just an empty apology. Admitting they were wrong, taking full responsibility without excuses, changing their behavior (but you’d have to be vigilant about just changing tactics, that’s what they do more often), and accepting that there are consequences for their actions (reduced access, no info going forward, etc.) and not pressuring you to pretend nothing happened.”
“If they fail on any of these, they will absolutely be toxic grandparents, and you should reconsider their role in your lives in general.” – Ok_Homework_7621
“I’d have waited until The Moment and then stopped, turned to the offending parents, and said, ‘Why don’t you tell everyone the gender, since you went around us and found out ahead of time?'”
“Then just stand there and let them simmer in the awkwardness. Refuse to proceed until they say it out loud. Then once they do, say, ‘Well, I guess we know what color this is going to be, don’t we?'” – dechets-de-mariage
“Honestly, I’d love to know what the wife thought of this. I’m sure she is a lot less ‘I will always love them!’ than OP.”
“I think gender reveals are dumb, I think gendered gifts are even dumber, and I’m fuming for the mom-to-be. If this was important to OP and his wife, then that should have been respected, period.”
“I bet you good money this isn’t the only time these parents overstep and invade their son’s and daughter-in-law’s privacy.” – AA_Writes
“I’d have contacted all the guests to say that the party is canceled because my parents decided that it’s their place to bully our party planner into submission and reveal the secret to us. And I’d make sure they all got my parents’ email or phone number in case they feel like expressing their feelings on the matter.”
“Then I’d have told the parents the party was canceled because of them, and their box is not welcome because of what they did, and it’ll be on my front porch. Unopened.” – themcp
Others agreed and pointed out that there was little difference between action and intent.
“The other parent needs to acknowledge their selfishness in wanting to find out the gender first. They stole that right from OP under the guise of ‘good intentions’ when it was made known that OP did not want anyone to know ahead of the party.” – Select-Promotion-404
“The finer details do not matter. What matters is that they did it, and it ruined the moment for the OP and his partner. The motivation does not matter.”
“Harm was done, and they refuse to take accountability (they, as in I don’t know the gender of the individual parent who won’t acknowledge it. If the other one who immediately apologized continues to be accountable and changes behaviors for the better, then OP could and should move on. People make mistakes like accidentally breaking a plate or stepping on any toes).” – Crafty_Pop6489
“They were massively out of line and need to be called out in whatever way you feel is best.”
“I personally think I’d say, ‘I need some time away from y’all. Maybe two or three years will suffice. Maybe I’ll send some pics of your grandkids, and maybe I won’t.'”
“‘Maybe next time you will learn to apologize when you mess up. Because we all know you’ll mess up again.'”
“NTA.” – NeartAgusOnoir
“I didn’t intend to break a plate, but it is still broken. I didn’t intend to bump into someone and cause them to spill coffee on themselves, but they still had coffee all over them and were burned.”
“I apologize and I make amends.”
“If someone hurts my feelings and then tells me that it isn’t relevant because their intent was good, I avoid that person because I cannot trust them.”
“If the person who revealed it to them was a professional, as in a baker, you should probably say something. Not in an angry way, but in a ‘I want you to know what happened so that you do NOT do this to another couple. In the future, if someone is pestering you like that; you should call your clients and let them know.'”
“You do let them know that you will probably get over it eventually, but you won’t forget it and because of their lack of accountability and understanding that they f**ked up; they’ll probably be the last to know things so that they won’t ruin the news or the surprise for every exciting event or milestone for the baby.” – GroovyYaYa
Some encouraged the OP to put his parents on a serious information diet.
“In my experience (not with a gender reveal but with important info in general), my parents always wanted to be the FIRST to know. They’re both incredible gossips, and it excites them to know things that can be used against someone or held over their head.”
“OP needs to strongly limit the info provided to parents and set strong boundaries now. It’s only going to get worse as the baby comes.” – Background-Pin-1307
“NTA. I think both sets of parents need to go on an information diet. The fact that they don’t see a problem ruining a surprise and felt it was their right to badger and harass someone (the person doing the gender reveal items) until they got their answer is a huge boundary violation.”
“One example? They should never have known the name of who was handling the gender reveal items.”
“If they’re already this intrusive and not sorry about it when OP is upset at the gender reveal stage, imagine how much boundary stomping they’ll do when there’s a baby.” – One_Ad_704
“I don’t really think this was just about the gifts. I think they wanted the bragging rights of knowing before OP did.”
“There was no need for gender specific gifts at this stage, it was all about finding out first.”
“Well, I guess they’ll be the last to know in the future. And I reckon they’ll always try to stomp boundaries if they aren’t firmly handled.” – FryOneFatManic
“If it were me, they would be told point blank, ‘You will be the last to know ANYTHING. Including when this baby is born because you have proven to be untrustworthy and uncaring of my feelings.’ NTA, OP.” – popchex
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a quick update.
“Thanks to everyone who genuinely tried to help. My parents have since apologized. Cheers.”
The subReddit completely understood where the OP was coming from in being upset about his parents’ actions. Gender reveals are not important to everyone, but it can be a fun experience for first-time parents, and it’s not hard to respect someone’s wishes to be surprised about it.
By pressuring the information out of the reveal coordinator, the OP’s parents commandeered the whole experience and made it all about them, instead of the new parents and baby.