As hard as it is to admit, sometimes people’s true personalities only emerge when money gets involved.
Then suddenly, what’s really been important to them all along will be revealed, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Upper-Yesterday3710 thought that she was excited to get married to her partner as they continued to bond throughout their engagement.
But when they were working through a prenuptial agreement and her partner only cared about what he and his biological daughter would get in the event of a divorce, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if this was really the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for ending my engagement because of his demands about our prenup?”
The OP was excited about an important job opportunity, only for it to hurt her engagement.
“I (37 Female) recently got a lump sum for a career project that turned into a whole company. I got into an agreement with a company that has been reselling my services via out-licensing and long-term corporate JVs (joint ventures).”
“When I signed the paperwork, I felt like I had the opportunity to build a financial future and that my relationship also wouldn’t be affected.”
“But this has not been the case, and I’m very put off, to the point of breaking our engagement.”
The OP really thought that her partner, Sean, was going to be the one.
“We’ve been together for four years. I met him on the last leg of my struggle to get what has become my working life’s motiva thought tion.”
“This project has been all-consuming and aside from that, I only had time for my family. I have very good friends but everyone is busy. I didn’t date or go out.”
“When Sean (43 Male) came along, I was swept off my feet because I wasn’t expecting to find someone that I liked so much. We shared the same sense of humor and I became really attracted to him, both emotionally and physically.”
“Sean is divorced. He has average office assistant skills and works for a small government agency. Our salary gap was not a huge deal as I invested a lot in my project so whatever money I kept for myself went to my priorities that are non-negotiable. I take care of my family and pay bills.”
“He did have hobbies that he spent time on, but when I met him, he was in between jobs and had to wait four months until he became active at his new job (at the agency).”
The OP and Sean both had financial issues in common in the beginning.
“We were both thin on money. I was very happy to have a guy who didn’t pressure me to wear certain styles (I’m more of a flats and comfy clothes lady) when my ex before him demanded that I look trendy and said things that nullified my self-esteem.”
“I knew he was on food stamps (very briefly) and chalked it up to a bad situation that was temporary). There was huge mutual acceptance.”
“We tried to start a small consulting company, but it didn’t work out. I noticed that he wasn’t ready to co-manage and after a long conversation, we mutually decided to call it off.”
“We had been talking about marriage for a while, and when he proposed, the subject of a prenup was no surprise as we had already agreed on having one.”
“Even if I had nothing, I see it as a way to protect ourselves and each other from potential situations. I’m in a niche market that deals with loss prevention, and I’ve seen people getting into lawsuits.”
The couple had many issues while trying to agree on a prenuptial agreement.
“We had drafted a plan but had some tense moments. He closed off at the lawyer’s office and created a tense environment during our second meeting. Nothing that we had agreed on was getting followed through and he kept asking for things and raising the bar.”
“He got his own lawyer, which would have been okay except that he never told me, and his attorney showed up, and I didn’t even know he’d hired one.”
“We had to pause the prenup after he almost bit my head off outside of my lawyer’s office when I refused to give his daughter shares of my existing company.”
“That’s a no-go for me, and I’d rather stay unmarried. I built that company to leave something to my children. I’m the only parent looking out for them as my ex has been kind of a deadbeat.”
“Sean wasn’t even in the picture when I started it. I will not create a trust fund for his child, either, like he asked. None of these requests had been previously discussed but came up once his lawyer showed up.”
The OP didn’t think Sean’s 18-year-old daughter should be involved in the agreement.
“I did agree to help her financially, give her an allowance, and help pay for a car. I also agreed to pay full health insurance and contribute to her college housing plus contribute to her education.”
“She has a successful mom, so my logic is that she already has someone willing to give her a good start in life since Sean isn’t financially able. His daughter is an adult (18 Female) while my kids are in grade school, and I need to make sure they are taken care of while she’s already at an age where she can get a job.”
“I offered to contribute to a fund for her first home but it seems like nothing I offered was good enough.”
“I love his kid, but I didn’t raise her, and she will never see me as her mom, and I respect that. Her mom’s family owns a business and her mom owns her home in a very good area. It’s not like she depends on me to have a good life.”
“I wanted it to be fair since her mom, Sean, and I could contribute.”
The OP tried to make a point to Sean, but it backfired.
“So Sean and I had an argument because he sent me a breakdown of how much I’m supposed to make off my business over the next few years. I lost my temper because it felt like a ‘gotcha’ situation.”
“I confronted him about my own kids and asked what he would contribute to them. He went silent, so I said I wanted their names on the deed to a piece of land that he owns but hasn’t been able to develop because he doesn’t have the funds.”
“He was surprised and accused me of trying to dilute his inheritance to his daughter and being generally unfair since she has less than what my kids will end up having.”
“I just wanted him to see my point, but I made things worse. We used to be able to talk outside of the prenup, but now, if I don’t get his sarcasm, it’s his dry behavior that’s driving me crazy.”
“He said he’s surprised at my greed and accused me of othering his child. I’m trying to figure out if I came across as a bad stepmother. Also, I’m not ruling out helping all our kids start their own businesses if they want to, but I can’t guarantee its success since we are not there yet.”
The OP didn’t know what other choice she had but to end things.
“Canceling the engagement sounded like the most sensible decision, and I’m astonished this is actually happening. I don’t know how to navigate.”
“His last messages have been very hurtful, and he says I’m showing my true colors. He told me to thank you for my dishonesty and how I truly feel about his daughter.”
“My best friend is p**sed and threatens to put him on blast if he keeps this up.”
“I’m confused since I didn’t expect our relationship to end like this.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that Sean’s true colors were showing through, not the OP’s.
“NTA.”
“First off, I’m sorry you’re having to experience this, at least from an emotional standpoint. It can’t be easy, but to be honest, your stance towards the prenuptial sounded reasonable and, if anything, overly generous to his kiddo (in my honest opinion).”
“Anyhow, It sounds like he’s showing his true colors, and it’s fortunate they were on display before marrying him. If he helped you build the business venture, it’d be one thing… but he didn’t. Now he’s throwing a tantrum because he wants a one-way contract that only benefits his own kid?! Oof.”
“Marriage, at least on the legal side of things, is a contract. Would you entertain a lopsided contract related to your business? Why would (or should) it be different in your private life when you and your children’s financial wellbeing is being negotiated?” – Ornery-Platypus-1
“You trying to protect your financial future and make sure, as a single mother, that your children are protected as well is NOT greed. Him trying to financially screw you over for his and his child’s benefit while offering absolutely nothing for your children IS greed.”
“And he truly showed you who he is. Believe him now. His daughter has three adults willing to take care of her needs. Yours have only one. They are your priority.”
“Send him a text message mirroring his projections if he keeps harassing you, ‘Thank you for showing your true colors before the wedding. Now, I can protect my children from a gold-digging predator who has nothing to offer but feels entitled to something that doesn’t belong to him. Good luck finding another golden goose to leech off.'”
“He keeps getting together with powerful and smart women and wants to rip them off while doing nothing. That’s not how it works. Cut your losses, OP.” – MashaSP
“The fact that his daughter’s mother is also a business owner shows that Shawn is a type that has a type. He seems to be a chronic underachiever/underearner who goes after successful women who can provide what he cannot. Where did he find his attorney so quickly? Prior relationship, that’s where.”
“I hope that OP kicks this gold digger to the curb. She’s made too many sacrifices to just hand it off to a greedy leech.” – Opinion8Her
“OP, I just want to reassure you that you haven’t said anything that shows you as a bad stepmother, and hopefully your almost-stepdaughter can see that.”
“I’m saying this to you as someone’s stepdaughter. My stepmom is very successful. My mother is not, so I don’t have that to fall back on. None of the changes the fact that I don’t have a right to expect my stepmom to do for me as she does for her own kids.”
“She has been very generous with me and my family, but it’s very little compared to what she does for her own bio kids. I love her very much and we are very close, and her choices on how to share her success have never ever been a problem for us. I’m not the same as her bio kids, so why would I expect the same? That makes no sense.” – SincerelyCynical
“Puhleeeeeease!! If anything, it sounds like HIS child, with at least three parents, is going to come out the winner here. Then of course this douche can sit back and not do jack s**t because the women in his life are doing it for him.”
“(I didn’t see if OP mentioned any stepdad for his daughter and I’m figuring that her kids aren’t suffering for lack of sperm donor, but also didn’t see it mentioned.)”
“Most definitely NTA! Bless you for being good to your kids and making sure they’re taken care of first. Also tremendously admirable that you offered what you DID for the stepdaughter. That was a HUGE offer and he’s a damn money-grubbing, gold-digging fool.” – Hot-Attorney-4542
Others agreed and were certain Sean was not the partner that the OP deserved.
“This man is a moocher, a gold digger, and a terrible partner.”
“It hurts to go so far and then have everything go sideways but part of why you have a pre-nup is because things like this will come out before you get married instead of after. It’s not just to protect you in the event of a divorce, it’s to bring everything into the light and find out how everybody really feels.”
“The fact that he’s trying to vilify her when she is her children’s only financial support and they are still young is crazy.”
“I tend to give people the huge benefit of the doubt, and I don’t like to judge people when they aren’t successful because I have had many periods of struggle in my life. OP reminds me very much of myself. And up until my current relationship, I have had a problem with giving men too much slack when they are underachievers.”
“I didn’t realize that while we might have been in similar places financially, I was ambitious, determined, and hardworking, and he was a slacker who was never going to do anything more. I didn’t feel I was in a place to judge, but I was wrong.”
“You don’t have to judge somebody’s value as a human being to judge that they are not the correct partner for you.”
“He is making it very clear he is not the correct partner for her.” – BojackTrashMan
“Sean definitely sees OP as a golden goose. It’s astounding and entirely out of line for him to think he or his daughter should get any share of assets that OP accumulated on her own.”
“It’s also hilarious for Sean to accuse OP of being greedy after he tried to fleece her for as much as possible. OP, praise the heavens that Sean revealed his true character early enough for you to escape easily!” – Fresh-Guarantee-757
“I know how hard it is to finally see someone you loved for who they really are. Be true to yourself and your values and don’t let this man make you feel remotely bad for standing up for what’s right. You owe him zero. His asking you to fund his daughter is ludicrous, just as one example.”
“You have built an amazing career for yourself. You deserve someone who is your equal. They are out there. You’ll find one. NTA.” – Aylauria
“No man that loves you would have done what he did. No man who would see himself as a father figure to your children would have reacted the way he did to the land issue.”
“So sorry that you have this experience, but the situation screams that he won’t be the partner to support you but a source of drama and emotional stress and potentially financial issues if you stay together.” – Aivendii
“NTA. This guy is a greedy entitled, ahole. It is hilarious that he is accusing you of being dishonest when he is literally a Golddigger. He doesn’t want to share what he owns. He only wants your money.”
“His daughter is 18. You’re not her mother figure in any way, and you were super generous with the things you offered to help her with.”
“You just dodged an enormous bullet. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but this is for the best.”
“This guy doesn’t actually care about you. Nobody that really cared about you would act like this loser.”
“You’ll find somebody who actually appreciates you and wants to build a life together and not just have access to your money.”
“I’m sorry OP. But you’ll definitely find somebody better, and it’s better to find out how s**tty he is now before y’all are actually married.” – Pippet_4
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update to confirm the end of the engagement.
“UPDATE: I broke up with him, not just the engagement since the whole deal felt like a bitter divorce rather than a step towards married life.”
While the subReddit was sad on the OP’s behalf that her engagement had dissolved in such a hurtful and surprising manner, they were grateful that the OP learned her partner’s true nature before marrying and committing her finances to him and his daughter.
The right person who valued her, her efforts, and her family in the way she deserved would surely come along eventually.