Grief is complicated.
Perhaps the most surprising element of grief is that we don’t know how it will manifest.
Drastically affecting our behavior in ways we never imagined it would.
Especially how we behave around others.
Redditor General-Routine8691 recently came home to discover a devastating occurrence at her neighbor’s home.
Following this tragic turn of events, the original poster (OP) did their best to be there for their neighbormand comfort them during this time of grief.
Until, that is, the OP realized how much these same tragic events affected them.
Resulting in a major shift in their communication with their grieving neighbor.
Having guilt about their behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for ignoring my friend’s calls after his husband passed away?”
The OP explained why she couldn’t bring herself to answer her neighbor’s calls:
“I used to be friends with my neighbor Eli.”
“He has a husband, Leo.”
“About 1.5 years ago I distanced myself from Eli mainly because he’s kind of selfish and wasn’t a very good friend.”
“I was still very friendly with both Eli and Leo though as we very briefly ran into each other once in a while.”
“I’ve been very depressed recent months.”
“After crying all morning, I went shopping just to get out of the house.”
“While out, I saw a bunch of missed calls and a text from Eli saying: ‘Leo just passed, please answer’.”
“I called him and all I could understand through his crying was ‘please come over’.”
“So I rushed back.”
“I saw an ambulance outside of our building.”
“I thought ‘I wonder if Leo is in it’.”
“I could hear Eli screaming as I ran down the hallway to their apt, and as I opened the door, I saw Leo’s dead body on the floor and Eli hugging him, sobbing, inconsolable.”
“They were watching TV when Leo suddenly got up and said he has pain in his chest, then collapsed.”
“Paramedics came and pronounced him dead.”
“They said we now have to wait for police.”
“We were waiting like this on the floor – Eli sobbing and hugging Leo’s body, and me hugging Eli – for almost 2 hrs.”
“Then police came, and we sat on the couch right in front of Leo for another few hours.”
“I did my best to stay calm and collected and help Eli.”
“Many hours later, they took Leo away.”
“Eli asked me to help call Leo’s parents who didn’t know he was gay or married.”
“He used Leo’s phone, and called his mom but she thought he was joking.”
“He cried so hard I had to take over and break her heart myself.”
“Eli called his friends and family, begging to come be with him.”
“Eventually Eli’s cousins came but didn’t stay long.”
“I stayed till late night, ordered food, cleaned, etc.”
“We watched TV under the same blanket I used to cover Leo’s body.”
“I didn’t sleep that night.”
“Next day his cousins came back for short time and left a mess.”
“Multiple times Eli’s family and friends mentioned ‘Luckily that girl lives in the same building’.”
“I started feeling I’m being used as an excuse to not step up.”
“Eventually, I got home and slept.”
“As I woke up I realized I physically can’t go back there.”
“Just the thought of entering that apartment makes me shake.”
“Eli kept calling me and I didn’t respond.”
“I eventually texted him I got sick.”
“But he keeps calling me.”
“I’m afraid if I answer he’ll cry and ask me to come.”
“I feel deeply affected by what happened.”
“I keep seeing flashbacks.”
“I’m afraid to leave my apartment because I’m afraid to run into Eli.”
“I was already depressed and I’m so so lonely.”
“I don’t have any support system.”
“My therapy doesn’t start for another two weeks.”
“I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
“I feel so guilty for ghosting Eli in this horrible situation when his whole world collapsed.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for ignoring Eli’s calls.
Many felt there were no real a**holes in this particular situation, deeply sympathizing that Eli was simply looking for a source of comfort, but understood that taking his calls was also more than the OP could currently handle:
“No, dear, there’s NAH.”
“This was a catastrophe, and you are in crisis and need help.”
“What happened to you was very traumatic,c and you are traumatized; you need to find help from your loved ones (or professionals, if those resources are available to you) to heal from this.”
“You can’t draw water from an empty well, and in my opinion, you should only consider assisting Eli in ways that contribute to or at least don’t completely derail your recovery.”
“You’ve already been more help to them than anybody else has.”
“You can’t keep anybody warm by setting yourself on fire.”
“I’m so sorry this happened to both of you, what a horrible, tragic experience and loss.”- InteractionLiving462
“NAH.”
“His husband just died, and you were kind enough to help him through the immediate aftermath.”
“It does suck that he doesn’t have a support system he needs, but you don’t either.”
“You do need to respond to him and tell him that you can’t emotionally support him how he needs right now.”
“He will probably take this badly, but there is nothing you can do about that.”
“Be honest, offer your condolences, but don’t let him guilt you into offering help you aren’t equipped to provide.”
“You recognize that you can’t help him and yourself simultaneously.”- FALlacies_Ahoy
“NAH but you need to message him.”
“Sorry that you can’t go to his place and support him.”
“You were already in a very dark place, and his apartment would bring back flashbacks that would make it worse.”
“You still want to be there for him and help, but you need to modify it.”
“Ask to go for a walk, go somewhere that relates to Leo.”
“You have therapy starting. Once you have that going and some tools, maybe you can step up more in a balanced way.”
“Offer to get him a treat.”
“Invite him over instead.”- wayward_painter
“NAH, and I’m sorry OP.”
“Please don’t just abandon him without a word.”
“I know you’re depressed and lonely, but chances are, so is he, and grieving on top of it.”
“I’m not saying to jump any time he calls.”
“I’m just saying maybe shoot him a text or something and explain to him how it’s affected you.”- Salty-Tip-7914
“NAH.”
“I watched my husband die. I have flashbacks to it, and it was a ‘peaceful’ death (cancer), not a sudden unexpected thing.”
“Add everything that happened that night you have experienced a huge traumatic event.”
“I am so happy you have gotten therapy, from your post you are struggling with what you saw the biggest thing I did was talk to someone about it and it really helped.”
“I will also mention the biggest thing I have found after losing a partner is the amount of people who abandon you.”
“It’s like they don’t understand grief, especially when it is someone young.”
“If you see his family and friends (or have a number to text), tell them that you are dealing with a traumatic event and they need to step up. You will not be.”
“It’s harsh, but to be honest, you need to think of your own mental health.”
“Maybe if they know you won’t be there to catch Eli, they will take the strain.”
“I would also be honest and text Eli to say you are struggling with what happened, and you need a chance to take a step back and deal with your own trauma that you are thinking of him, and you will reach out when your mental health is better as right now you are unable to support him.”
“I would speak with your therapist about how to proceed with talking to him again as they have more experience in this area.”
“The biggest thing with grief is to be honest not just with yourself but those around you.”
“Look online and see if there is a support group, I have found a few widow support groups and I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a support group for those who have witnessed a event like you.”
“Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.”-United_Account_5829
While others understood completely how the OP wasn’t capable of handling talking to Eli right now, even if some felt she needed to tell him as much and not ghost him completely:
“NTA, but honestly, I would just straight-up text him that you are having panic attacks and flashbacks to yesterday and you can’t function.”
“If he was your friend, he knows that already, and while upset will get it.”
“My brother’s death was hard, but I didn’t blame anyone else for being as freakout as me, and I never saw his body.”
“Death is hard.”
“Good luck.”
“Also, he might be texting because he’s worried what he did to you yesterday if you have an anxiety or panic disorder.”
“That happens often with other people during a crisis.”
“Afterwards they remember I can shut down and go into agoraphobia panic attacks.”- quietlywatching6
Losing a partner is an indescribably devastating experience, so what Eli is going through is truly unimaginable.
However, it takes a very strong person indeed to be a constant shoulder to cry on.
And seeing as the OP didn’t seem to be in a great place prior to Leo’s death, she simply didn’t seem to be in any sort of place to be an ongoing source of comfort.
However, it seems like having an honest conversation with Eli about this might be better for both of them than ghosting him completely.