Wanting to get to know your significant other's children is a great idea, but what if your Sig-O rarely spends time with their kids?
Should you ask the custodial parent for visitation?
A mother dealing with an ex and his fiancée turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Jessiomour asked:
"AITAH for apparently being the reason my ex's engagement ended?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, female) have a 6-year-old child with my ex (29, male). We have been broken up since our child was 1."
"I have primary custody, my ex sees our child two weekends a month. The reason for this is my ex decided he didn't want to give up his whole life to be a parent and he thinks every other weekend is enough."
"I should also note he doesn't always take his weekends and has let our child down in the past."
"Three years ago, he started dating someone else and they got engaged in February of this year. Once they were engaged, I started getting calls and texts from an unknown number and I found out it was his fiancée."
"He had told her I would be open to her coming over and taking my child out for the day and he gave her my number so we could plan this. He never mentioned it to me and it took entirely too long for me to figure out what was going on."
"Getting a bunch of texts from an unknown number saying answer the damn phone, call me, I'd like to meet up and figure this out is not something I expected."
"When I did answer a call from her she was set on taking my child out for the day and she told me my ex said it was okay. I told her it was not okay and I didn't know her and I wasn't going to hand my child over to someone like that."
"Then I suggested she make the most of the time my ex has."
"This was not a popular answer with her and she had my ex using our co-parenting app to send request after request for me to let his fiancée take our child out for the day. My ex told me in July that I was saying no too much and it was ruining his relationship."
"Last month, his fiancée ended their engagement and broke things off with him. She blamed me via text and said she was not going to stay in a hostile environment where she's treated like stranger danger toward the child she's supposed to be the stepmother of."
"My ex blamed me for this too. He accused me of sabotaging his relationship and chasing away potential stepmother's from our child's life. I told him I did not give a damn about his relationships."
"What I cared about is having someone I don't know feeling entitled to take my child from my home. Then I pointed out he was the reason she believed she could in the first place."
"Instead of just moving on and accepting what happened, he is telling everyone I broke them up. Some of his buddies are quick to say something when they see me. I think most people see it as BS because he's not a very involved father to begin with."
"I did have a mom friend in a mom group I'm a part of tell me I kinda did sabotage his relationship because the woman he was with was trying to know my kid and I didn't let her."
"She said I had no reason to say no like I did once I knew who was texting and calling and what she wanted. This turned into a small fight because I asked her if she'd be okay with it and she told me she would."
"She said most single mom's with primary or full custody would love for their kids to have people who want to take care of them. She said it was my ego that made me break them up because I didn't want my child to have a stepmom."
"I still think it's crazy to blame me and I think it's also crazy to say I should have agreed to this. But I'm willing to be big enough to ask if I'm wrong and accept if people think I am wrong. So do you think I broke up his relationship?"
"AITAH for saying no to her taking my kid for the day on my parenting time?"
"I am so curious."
The OP later added:
"My child had seen her two or three times in over three years during his father's weekends. They had not spent much time together at all."
"I had never met or spoken to her before, though, so she was a stranger to me. I didn't know who was contacting me, so I didn't answer."
"She didn't even ID herself when she was doing it, so I'm getting calls and texts from who knows. It could've been a scam for all I knew."
"I did answer once I knew. I answered a call and said no to her taking my child on my custody time."
"I wouldn't let them take my child during my parenting time. They could have us-d my ex's time for that if and when he takes it."
"I just find it strange that she would blame me for not letting her see my child, while being fine with my ex not wanting to be more involved with his kid. It doesn't add up."
"She didn't think he had enough parenting time for her to bond with my child, and instead of seeing that as a red flag and leaving, she decided she would blame me."
"Simply put, he doesn't want more time with our child. And instead of accepting that and leaving him at that point, she decided to harass me for months and then leave, but blame me instead."
"I didn't decide the custody arrangement. That was his request and the courts decision."
"He's an adult. He's a father. He could choose to be a more involved father and take care of his child equally but he doesn't want to."
"I would love for my child to know their dad better and have more of a relationship. I cannot force him to want that too."
"It comes down to him not wanting more time with our child. He wanted to keep his fiancée happy though so he gave her permission he couldn't actually give for her to see our child more than he does."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to say no nor responsible for her ex's failed relationship (NTA).
"NTA. Your ex handled it badly. He could have:"
"> Start taking up his 2 weekends every month (not just when it's convenient)"
"> introduce gf to child during his weekends"
"> introduced you to girlfriend (GF)"
"> let this run for say 3 months, let your child get used to GF"
"> showed he was serious about the GF by getting engaged (no one wants their child to get used to a new GF, who is then suddenly 'gone')"
"> had a joint coffee so you could get to know GF"
"> sent you the contact details for the GF"
"> floated the idea with you first, given you time to consider it, then discussed it with you"
"All of this is a bare minimum I would expect for you to hand over your child to another person, who is not their father."
"He did none of this. Everything that followed is on him. Don't let other people's opinions make you doubt your own judgement." ~ Peter_gggg
"It is ludicrous to assume the primary parent is OK giving a child over for a day to a stranger they have never met before and without any prior notice or planning."
"The mom 'friend' who said she would be OK with it is likely to have her kid get kidnapped if she is so cavalier with their safety."
"The dude who only sees his child 4 days out of the month—when he feels like it—has no right in deciding who takes the child for a day." ~ ApprehensiveBeat4579
"I'm a stepmom myself, and my husband has 50/50 custody, so I was around my stepson quite a bit after my husband and I started dating seriously."
"We've now been married five years, and I have met his mother many times, and it would never and has never occurred to me to call her up and ask (let alone demand) to take him out for the day by myself randomly during her scheduled time with him. It's bizarre and unhealthy." ~ rabid_houseplant_
"I think the mom who said it was OK is burned out. She might not have a coparent, and all parenting is on her. She sees it as a break from her kid. She is wrong, of course, but I could see a burned-out single mom thinking this way." ~ smlpkg1966
"I'm a burned-out single mother, and hell would freeze over before I would hand any of my kids over to someone behaving this unhinged."
"There's a short list of people who, if they even hint at wanting to take them out, I'll happily hand them off to, but not a complete stranger who introduced themselves to me by harassing me with demanding calls and texts, even (or especially) if they are dating my ex." ~ SublimeAussie
The OP's responsibility is to her child, not her ex's love life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp