Divorce, cheating, family disputes.
All of those ingredients can lead to a bunch of not so fantastic family vacations.
Once dynamics shift, everyone, due to many possible circumstances, everyone has to adjust.
And adjusting, can be very dramatic.
Case in point…
Redditor falcone781 wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for excluding my brother-in-law’s wife and their love child from a family vacation?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained
“My sister and I were married to brothers until it was revealed that my brother-in-law had a secret love child with his now wife.”
“He also has two children with my sister.”
“I want nothing to do with the wife.”
“And she tried to leverage her child as a way to force my husband and in-laws into making me accept her so she gets excluded too.”
“I’m planning a family vacation and the only reason I invited my brother-in-law is because he has custody during the two weeks the trip is taking place.”
“I made it clear his wife isn’t invited and that my sister will be there with her boyfriend.”
“He said he and the kids would be coming but then his wife found out and now she’s having a meltdown because their daughter’s birthday is during the trip.”
“She said I keep excluding her and her daughter from everything and have made them feel like they aren’t part of the family.”
“And she wouldn’t let me keep doing this.”
“Now he’s telling me he won’t come and neither will the kids unless I invite them too, which I refused to do.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP and everyone involved is a mess here. So… ESH!!
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“ESH bordering Y T A.”
“It’s pretty gross that you seem to be directing your anger and exclusion towards her and not your brother in law.”
“It’s not like you couldn’t have scheduled the vacation during your sister’s custody time.”
“Does she really want to be on a vacation with her ex who cheated, anyways?”
“Also, sounds like you’re also excluding the child which is deeply messed up.”
“That child doesn’t deserve to be isolated from their siblings because of their parent’s mistakes.”
“She’s being excluded from a vacation with her dad, siblings, aunt, uncle, and probably grandparents too.”
“Y’all, stop embarrassing yourselves by telling me the child is only related to her dad and siblings.”
“That’s incorrect because the sisters married brothers.”
“OP is her aunt by marriage, OP’s husband is her uncle by blood and OP’s husband’s parents are her grandparents by blood.” ~ Temporary_Badger
“The cheater is definitely worse – they are the ones that made a commitment and broke it.”
“However – from my own experience – over time you can rebuild your relationship with the cheater if it is someone with a preexisting relationship in your life (like brother, sister, long term partner etc).”
“The ‘other woman’ (or man) is someone you can hate though because you have no previous relationship with them.”
“So there is no reason you would ever have to try and forgive them for their part in participating in breaking up your marriage.”
“In my case my ex-husband cheated on me.”
“Over time we worked through the issues that led us to that point and while we still got divorced, I still care about him very much and we are on very good terms.”
“The women he cheated with knew very well he was married and still pursued him.”
“Ultimately he is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat, and no circumstances mitigate that decision.”
“I had to work through a lot of crap to come to a place of forgiveness for him, and forgiving and accepting my part in the breakdown of our marriage.”
“But for the cheating partner, I had no previous relationship with her and I will always hate her because she had no respect for me and our marriage.”
“And there is just no reason for me to try and find any forgiveness for that *itch.”
“I would lose all respect for a friend if I found out they were hooking up with a married person.”
“So there is sure no reason I am going to accept that from someone I don’t even know. NTA.” ~ Winter_Insurance_216
“Who has a relationship with her. “
“They all had a relationship with her until her mother made herself a package deal with her child so as to force the hand of the woman whose sister’s marriage she helped to break up.”
“That B[rother] I[n] L[aw]’s wife tries to use OP’s husband to force OP’s hand, means that OP is not forcing her own husband (or children) to not have a relationship with BIL, his wife, their child.”
“She just chooses not to have a relationship with the woman, she is fine with their child.”
“She is just not going to be manipulated into having a relationship with BIL’s wife.”
“Form her comments, OP would be fine with BIL bringing all his children on the vacation.”
“But his wife is not welcome.”
“And that is OP’s prerogative.”
“It is also BIL’s wife’s prerogative not to allow her child go on a trip without her.”
“She cannot however claim that her child was excluded.”
“She, not her child, she, was excluded.”
“The only way OP sucks, is for not planning the vacation for when her sister has custody.”
“BiL sucks for initially being willing to abandon his wife and child for the vacation.”
“He should have said no from the start, and OP would be forced to better time/plan her vacation.”
“Of course, BIL’s wife sucks for using her child as a tool for manipulation.” ~ ReceptionPuzzled1579
“Vacations, school scheduling, Custody…t hat’s a lot of schedules and people to book a Vacation around.”
“Some places are only open during summer months etc.”
“She can’t help that happens to be the same week that these 2 Homewreckers, (Yes BIL & New Wife had their Cheat Child!” ).”
“Sucks to be them that they have to deal with some Fallout from THEIR S**tty Choices! Op… NTA!” ~ Deepsecrets11
“NTA. New wife is using the kid to manipulate and that is vile.”
“It may look cold, but you are right not to play.”
“If she didn’t want this situation, she should have left the relationship once she found out she was the other woman.”
“These is the consequences of her crap choices.”
“If she whines about you not seeing her as family again, just clarify that you don’t and walk away.” ~ Accomplished-Group60
“NTA- Your BIL destroys his family with an affair and now everyone else has to look the other way because he’s a cheated A-hole?”
“He should recognize his mistake and let his kids go without him, his new wife and their child.”
“I know it’s not the new kids fault, but they are terrible people for holding your sister’s kids hostage and leveraging another to go on a trip where nobody wants them.”
“They suck.” ~ JayFabFu*ko
“He’s trying to validate his new marriage and absolve his affair with the vacation.”
“I saw it all the time in family law.”
“If outside folks see the family accepting him and his new wife, he won’t be a social pariah anymore.”
“And things like this can affect employment, community involvement, etc.”
“And, additionally, there is no audacity like sidepiece audacity, so unless New Wife gets firmly put in her place, this is going to go on for years.”
“What it’s really going to take is for OP and OP’s husband to sit down with BIL and make it plain that New Wife isn’t welcome at family events.”
“But his affair baby is welcome whenever and that isn’t going to change.”
“The least New Wife can do is stay away from family events after participating in breaking up the family.”
“And that’s not sexist.”
“She’s not a member of the family.”
“She’s a married in. No one has any obligation to accept her.” ~ Zealousideal-Tap-201
“NTA. Ultimately BIL is the main issue he’s unwilling to switch dates with the kid’s mom and stay home with his wife and love child for her birthday.”
“OP owes this woman and child nothing she doesn’t need to change the date of the vacation and she doesn’t need to accept BILs new wife at all.”
“I want everyone to think for a minute ‘If this happened to my sister what would I do?’”
“And honestly in my case OP has taken the high road being excluded from family events would be the least of BIL and his new wife’s concerns.”
“I’d be ruining lives if a man did this to my little sister and then demanded I accept his new wife and their affair baby with open arms and bright smiles.” ~ Bunbunnbaby
Well this is an ugly one OP.
Everyone seems to be coming in with all sorts of emotions, many valid.
Reddit seems pretty solid on the situation though.
Hopefully y’all can make this work.