Not all friendships are meant to last forever.
People can be the greatest of friends for a long time.
And then one day... everything changes.
There are so many reasons for a change in friend status.
And not many answers are easy to accept.
Redditor Local-Compote-5143 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my best friend why she's excluding me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) have been best friends with 'Jenna' (29 F) since college."
"We've been inseparable for 11 years - we talk every day, spend every weekend together, go on trips, the whole deal."
"She's basically my soulmate (platonic obviously lol)."
"About 6 months ago, Jenna started dating this guy, 'Mark' (32 M[ale])."
"I was happy for her at first!"
"I really was."
"But then she started canceling our plans to hang out with him."
"I totally understood - new relationship energy and all that."
"I never complained once."
"But it's been getting worse."
"She's canceled on me 6 times in the last two months."
"Always last minute."
"Always for Mark."
"I finally told her (very calmly!) that I felt like she was prioritizing him over our friendship, and it hurt my feelings."
"She apologized and said she'd make more effort."
"Things were better for like two weeks. "
"Then, last month, I saw on Instagram that Jenna had attended a wine tasting event downtown - the same weekend she had told me she was 'too busy' to come to my place for our preplanned dinner and had needed to cancel."
"I didn't want to be accusatory, so I just texted her, 'Hey! I saw you were at that wine event, and I hope it was fun! Would have loved to come if I'd known about it 😊.'"
"She left me on read for THREE DAYS."
'Then she finally responded with just 'It was a last-minute thing with Mark's coworkers.'"
"Okay, fine."
"I dropped it."
"I didn't want to seem clingy. "
"But then two weeks ago, I found out through another friend that Jenna is having a birthday party next month."
"And I haven't been invited."
"I texted Jenna asking about it (still very calm and not accusatory!), and she called me and said it's going to be 'a small thing, just Mark's friends and a few people from work.'"
"I was so confused."
"I've been to every single one of her birthday parties for 11 years."
"I asked her directly: 'Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Because I feel like you've been icing me out and I don't understand why.'"
"She got really quiet and then said, 'I think we need some space. You're being really intense lately, and it's making me uncomfortable.'"
"I was FLOORED. Intense??"
"For asking why my best friend of over a decade is suddenly treating me like a stranger?"
"I told her I thought that was really unfair and that I deserved an actual explanation."
"She said she didn't want to have this conversation and that she 'needed time to think.'"
"That was 12 days ago, and she still hasn't reached out."
"I'm heartbroken."
"I've literally done nothing wrong."
"I've been patient."
"I've been understanding."
"I've tried to communicate my feelings like an adult."
"And she's acting like I'm the problem?"
"My mom says I should just give Jenna space, but I feel like if I do that, our friendship is just over."
"I sent her one more text yesterday saying, 'I love you, and I'm here when you're ready to talk. I just want to understand what happened.'"
"She blocked me."
"I'm completely devastated."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for trying to save our friendship?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"She's allowed to go places and have a life without you."
"It's intense AF of you to find out about her plans and text her demanding to know why you weren't invited or trying to guilt-trip her about not inviting you."
"Do you have any other friends?"
"Because it sounds like you spend all your time waiting for her to text you YTA." ~ aria523
"Sure, she is allowed to go places, but continuously last-minute cancelling on your friend of 11 years for a new B[oy]F[riend] is just a di*k move and makes it seem like she doesn't value the friendship with OP at all."
"I think if you are friends, you should be able to talk about such things and why they are hurting you."
'Yeah, maybe it's a bit intense to text about the wine tasting thing and why you weren't invited, but she had established plans with OP first!"
"Same with the birthday thing OP went to for 11 years."
"It's not weird that OP wants to know what is up if you are suddenly not invited anymore." ~ Melvarkie
"YTA. The type of close friendship where you talk every day and spend every weekend together is almost impossible to maintain as an adult, especially if one is in a relationship."
"Cancelling 6 times in the past 2 months implies you've been trying to make plans nearly every single weekend still (there are 8 weekends in 2 months)."
"Maybe she feels she has to cancel because if she declines making plans with you, you'll refuse to allow that."
"You are being very controlling of your friend."
"Even after 20 years of friendship, you aren't owed her time, and if she wants to prioritize plans with her boyfriend, you have to accept that."
"Not being invited to her birthday party seems to be the consequence of your pushiness, so now she doesn't even want to hang out with you at all."
"And when you couldn't leave that alone, she resorted to blocking so she doesn't have to see your attempts to cling to her."
"I know how hard it is when friendships change, but trying to control your friend and guilt her into spending time with you will only push her away, as you've already seen." ~ No-Operation-4398
"To be honest, just from reading this, it seems like you have been a little intense about this."
"It's normal for adults with partners to not see their friends, even their best friends, every single weekend."
"I do think you have probably come across as clingy and intense and not understanding of her changed life and relationship dynamic, and for this reason, I think maybe she has not wanted to spend the same amount of time with you and has needed some space."
"I think you should reach out and apologize for being clingy and not giving her space, and let her know that you would like to hang out again when she is ready." ~ BenderBenRodriguez
"YTA. Your friend wanted space."
"Your mom advised you to give her space."
"You decided to ignore that and try to drag it out right then and there."
"Your friend has a new partner."
"It is NORMAL to prioritize a partner over your friends."
"6 cancellations in 2 months, beans, you've been trying to monopolize her time almost every week."
"That's excessive, even for a best friend."
"What will you do when they have a baby, and she's busy all the time with that?" ~ Industry_Cautious
"Soft YTA."
"Honestly, OP, you sound obsessive."
"I've seen some of your replies to the comments, and I'm curious: are you in love with your (now former) best friend?"
"I ask because, despite your insistence that your feelings are platonic, your behavior is similar to that of lesbian/bisexual women who are experiencing their first crush on the same sex."
"It's clear from your comments that you're jealous of your friend's new relationship, and I can promise you that your dislike towards Mark isn't nearly as subtle as you probably think it is."
"Jenna has noticed."
"I'm sure Mark has noticed, or been told by Jenna."
"The reason you've been excluded and Jenna is pulling back from you is because your behavior is making her uncomfortable, which she stated clearly."
"It's normal for couples to focus more intensely on their relationship- unfortunately, at the expense of other interpersonal relationships - when it's new."
"It sounds like you're under the false belief that they'll break up, and she'll go back to being your friend/pseudo girlfriend instead."
"We have no way of knowing what else you might have said or done to come off as 'intense,' but you need to do some self-reflection, possibly consider therapy, and accept that Jenna has decided that your friendship isn't one she wants to maintain." ~ Elfboyfriends
"YTA. You guys are 29, not 19."
"Your lives are establishing, and the reality is that people will get busy and drift apart."
"This happens in every stage in life, but I'm assuming your friend wants something more serious and is trying to establish a strong relationship that could lead to marriage."
"She is a person above anything else."
"She has her own life away from you."
"If I were her, I'd also want space."
"I've had friends like you my whole life, and it's led to me feeling suffocated, and in the end, I cut all of them off." ~ AppropriateBasket94
"YTA. You are extremely clingy, also kinda passive-aggressive."
"You don't text someone asking why they weren't invited."
"You aren't invited to everything." ~ SoccerProblem3547
"YTA. I have sympathy because I get intense about friendship as well. However..."
"She asked for space."
"You texted her anyway."
"And in your replies here, you make it clear that you do not value her new relationship or desire to make other friendships."
"That's NOT being a good friend."
"It sounds like dating someone new gave her perspective on ways her relationship with you is enmeshed."
"You were unable to ease off to a healthier distance."
"Losing your friend is the consequence."
"I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is on you." ~ Foreign_Plan_5256
Reddit is not thrilled with your behavior, OP.
Understandably, you're upset.
It sounds like your friend needs space.
It's respectful to give it to her.
Focus on yourself for a while.
That may help.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp