Sleep is an essential part of life and health.
But for too many, great sleep is a rarity.
Not everyone is able to get a good night’s rest.
This is especially true for parents with young kids.
Those nighttime hours can be the worst.
Redditor Anna-Amos wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for expecting my husband to sleep in our kids’ room?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (36 F[emale]) have handled kids through the night for 15 years.”
“I have 2 kids from before my now husband (31 M[ale]), he had 2, and we have 2 together.”
“We got together when my youngest was 2 and his youngest was 3 (2018).”
“I’ve never had good sleepers.”
“My two oldest are diagnosed with A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity]-D[isorder], and I know my 4-year-old will be.”
“Since my firstborn, I’ve woken up many times a night to handle kids.”
“In 2020, I became pregnant with my son with my husband and became a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] due to COVID.”
“I began sleeping separately from him due to different sleep patterns, moving into a room with my older son and newborn.”
“My husband had his own room, bed, gaming computer, collectibles, his ‘bachelor pad.'”
“Later, our baby and I moved into another room, bed sharing.”
“My husband still had his own room.”
“In 2022, I became pregnant with our daughter.”
“Again, I was in a room with my toddler and baby, him still in his own room.”
“By 2024, we had to split our teen girls into separate rooms, which put my husband, me, and our 2 toddlers in one room.”
“He didn’t want to lose his space, so we built a false wall half for his gaming/collectibles, and all shared a big bed.”
“I still handled the kids since he works.”
“He eventually wanted a bed alone with me, so I convinced him to give up his side and add a bed.”
“Unfortunately, he developed bad snoring.”
“We’ve tried solutions, but he won’t follow through on a sleep study.”
“I often kick him out so I can sleep.”
“We’ve since moved to a bigger home.”
“Our toddlers share a room (4-year-old sleeps decently, 2-year-old still ends up with me).”
“I haven’t had a good sleep in 15 years.”
“I’ve asked him to sleep in our daughter’s bed on work nights so I can rest.”
“He won’t.”
“He sometimes sleeps on the couch, but usually stays until I kick him out for snoring.”
“I also have to wake at 5:15 am to make sure he’s up for work, which keeps me up for at least another hour.”
“I struggle with sleep anyway, often lying awake at 4 am from his snoring, seeing no point in falling asleep before alarms start going off.”
“Tonight, I was awoken at 3 am after not sleeping until 1 am.”
“Still awake at 4:15, knowing 5 am alarms are coming.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for expecting him to sleep in our daughter’s bed so I don’t suffer nightly? Should I be the one?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that EVERYONE WAS the A**hole.
“I also have to wake at 5:15 am to make sure he’s up for work.”
“Aside from all the rest of the general wtf-ery here, absolutely WTF is this?!”
“Why do you have to wake at 5:15 am to make sure he’s up?”
“I can’t help but feel that you have taken a series of quite deliberate choices over an extended period of time to completely screw yourself over, and now you’re sad about the inevitable result.”
“ESH – you and he have created an unviable living situation for yourselves through a combination of not having enough space, and/or having too many children, and by a ridiculous division of responsibilities.”
“You’re right that it doesn’t work, but that doesn’t get you off the hook – this isn’t something he did to you, you did it together.” ~ oop_norf
“That 5:15 thing killed me.”
“Ma’am, he’s not a child.”
“He can get his own @ss up.”
“Wonder if she makes his lunch too.” ~ DeannaMorgan
“He probably doesn’t wake to alarms because he has sleep apnea (combined with the loud snoring that keeps her up).”
“Not an excuse, he needs to do the sleep study.”
“I really do not understand why some men are so adverse to ever getting a diagnosis.”
“Give him an ultimatum if you have to, OP.
“This whole thing is a*inine.”
“Also, stop having children.” ~ kyla__ren
“ESH – you started this, no?”
“You started letting children sleep with you all over the place.”
“Literally your entire timeline has you sleeping with this one or that one, or some of them @_@.”
“Now I don’t have any kids with ADHD, but even puppies can be trained to sleep alone through the night (not calling anyone’s kids puppies).”
“Yes, I feel very bad for a fellow sleep-deprived woman, and I also think your husband should do something, literally ANYTHING, to help you get some sleep, even if occasionally.”
“But you are mad at him for drawing his own boundaries and sticking to them, which you should have drawn for yourself and never did.” ~ PhotoForward2499
“ESH. I could barely follow this.”
“People can just sleep in their own beds.” ~ ServelanDarrow
“ESH. Why have you both chosen to live in houses where you don’t have enough bedrooms for the children you have?”
“Honestly, you both deserve this, although his immature attitude of you needing to wake him grown-up a** so he can go to work does give him extra AH.” ~ weirwoodheart
“ESH. This is a disaster of your own making.”
“The co-sleeping and sharing of rooms with the children stands out as poor parenting choices that were destined to end in a train wreck.”
‘Be a decent Parent: teach your children to sleep alone in their own bed.”
“BILLIONS of kiddos do this every night, so there’s NO REASON why your children cannot.”
“This is a ‘You’ Problem.”
“Beyond that, no, your husband does not have to give up his bed or his bedroom and sleep in the child’s bed so that you and the toddler can have the master bed.”
“He does need to follow up with the sleep study thing: his snoring is a ‘Him’ Problem which is adversely affecting others -and it’s his responsibility to correct it.”
“That would be the reason he should sleep elsewhere (Sofa, yes, child’s room NO), but not so that you can have your child in your bed.” ~ TrainingDearest
“I agree.”
“Co-sleeping results in no one really getting a good night’s sleep.”
“Kids need to learn to sleep in their own beds.”
“For no other reason than to be able to sleep alone later in life.” ~ Crafty_Lady_60
“ESH. Sorry, but you had no room for kids, and I see from other comments that you chose to have them?”
“If you do not have room, only one of you can sleep; you don’t need more.”
“The reason he is not a good adult is because you do not give him consequences apart from occasionally sleeping on the couch.”
“Sit him down, set out a date you need him to see the doctor by, and tell him he is on the couch til then.”
“If he whines, say it’s that or divorce, and he can pay child support.” ~ brokenskater45
“I personally lean toward ESH for not using protection and then complaining you can’t afford 6 kids.”
“You most definitely can afford protection if you can afford to keep 6 kids alive, not even thriving.”
“She and her husband have set their kids up for FAILURE because there is no chance in hell that their kids will have a college fund or an investment fund or anything.”
“As well as making them dependent on their parents at this age.” ~ Kind-Stomach6275
“ESH- Just for this unsustainable mess y’all have created.”
“Your husband is the AH for you having to wake him up.”
“You, because you continue to wake him up, you keep having all these kids, and then bed sharing and making them dependent on it, you keep playing musical chairs with beds.”
“That is ridiculous.”
“All the kids should have their own beds; you and your husband share a bed.”
“Why are you overcomplicating this?” ~ Big_Owl1220
“Well, for reasons others have detailed, ESH.”
“My main reaction to this post: I am SO glad that this is not my circus and these are not my monkeys.”
“Feeling blessed.” ~ drmoze
“ESH – There’s a lot to unpack here, and it’s quite hard to follow, to be honest, but everyone should have their own beds.”
“You and your husband could get two singles that can be pushed together if needed and pushed apart when not.”
“Sleep is extremely important for everyone.”
“I’m not surprised everyone in your household seems to have issues sleeping when it sounds like a chaotic circus with sleeping arrangements.” ~ AdAggravating6730
“ESH, so whichever kid you want him to share with has to be kept awake by his snoring???”
“How the hell is that fair???”
“Your logic and reasoning sucks, and he shouldn’t need your help to get to work on time.’
“Also, it sounds like he would benefit from a CPAP machine.”
“Sleep apnea is no joke.” ~ According_Row_9497
“ESH. You’re idiots, you have too many kids, not enough space, you don’t communicate worth a damn, and you’re wondering why this isn’t working?”
“You two deserve each other.” ~ WxaithBrynger
“ESH. You don’t sleep well and were unable to train any of the 4 kids how to sleep independently.”
“Get help.”
“Your partner is not an AH for sleeping… but you must insist on the sleep study and CPAP.”
“He is an AH for the gaming space you guys didn’t have room for, and he needs you to get him up in the morning.” ~ MeringueRemote9352
“ESH – sorry, but this is a monster of your own making.” ~ liftkitten
This is a messy situation, OP.
Reddit has a lot of thoughts about your issues.
It sounds like it’s time for some BIG life changes.
He has to get that sleep study, which could change everything.
It may be a good idea to get some family therapy.
Good Luck.