Sleep is an essential part of life and health.
But for too many, great sleep is a rarity.
Not everyone is able to get a good night's rest.
This is especially true for parents with young kids.
Those nighttime hours can be the worst.
Redditor Anna-Amos wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for expecting my husband to sleep in our kids' room?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (36 F[emale]) have handled kids through the night for 15 years."
"I have 2 kids from before my now husband (31 M[ale]), he had 2, and we have 2 together."
"We got together when my youngest was 2 and his youngest was 3 (2018)."
"I've never had good sleepers."
"My two oldest are diagnosed with A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity]-D[isorder], and I know my 4-year-old will be."
"Since my firstborn, I've woken up many times a night to handle kids."
"In 2020, I became pregnant with my son with my husband and became a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] due to COVID."
"I began sleeping separately from him due to different sleep patterns, moving into a room with my older son and newborn."
"My husband had his own room, bed, gaming computer, collectibles, his 'bachelor pad.'"
"Later, our baby and I moved into another room, bed sharing."
"My husband still had his own room."
"In 2022, I became pregnant with our daughter."
"Again, I was in a room with my toddler and baby, him still in his own room."
"By 2024, we had to split our teen girls into separate rooms, which put my husband, me, and our 2 toddlers in one room."
"He didn't want to lose his space, so we built a false wall half for his gaming/collectibles, and all shared a big bed."
"I still handled the kids since he works."
"He eventually wanted a bed alone with me, so I convinced him to give up his side and add a bed."
"Unfortunately, he developed bad snoring."
"We've tried solutions, but he won't follow through on a sleep study."
"I often kick him out so I can sleep."
"We've since moved to a bigger home."
"Our toddlers share a room (4-year-old sleeps decently, 2-year-old still ends up with me)."
"I haven't had a good sleep in 15 years."
"I've asked him to sleep in our daughter's bed on work nights so I can rest."
"He won't."
"He sometimes sleeps on the couch, but usually stays until I kick him out for snoring."
"I also have to wake at 5:15 am to make sure he's up for work, which keeps me up for at least another hour."
"I struggle with sleep anyway, often lying awake at 4 am from his snoring, seeing no point in falling asleep before alarms start going off."
"Tonight, I was awoken at 3 am after not sleeping until 1 am."
"Still awake at 4:15, knowing 5 am alarms are coming."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for expecting him to sleep in our daughter's bed so I don't suffer nightly? Should I be the one?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that EVERYONE WAS the A**hole.
"I also have to wake at 5:15 am to make sure he's up for work."
"Aside from all the rest of the general wtf-ery here, absolutely WTF is this?!"
"Why do you have to wake at 5:15 am to make sure he's up?"
"I can't help but feel that you have taken a series of quite deliberate choices over an extended period of time to completely screw yourself over, and now you're sad about the inevitable result."
"ESH - you and he have created an unviable living situation for yourselves through a combination of not having enough space, and/or having too many children, and by a ridiculous division of responsibilities."
"You're right that it doesn't work, but that doesn't get you off the hook - this isn't something he did to you, you did it together." ~ oop_norf
"That 5:15 thing killed me."
"Ma'am, he's not a child."
"He can get his own @ss up."
"Wonder if she makes his lunch too." ~ DeannaMorgan
"He probably doesn't wake to alarms because he has sleep apnea (combined with the loud snoring that keeps her up)."
"Not an excuse, he needs to do the sleep study."
"I really do not understand why some men are so adverse to ever getting a diagnosis."
"Give him an ultimatum if you have to, OP.
"This whole thing is a*inine."
"Also, stop having children." ~ kyla__ren
"ESH - you started this, no?"
"You started letting children sleep with you all over the place."
"Literally your entire timeline has you sleeping with this one or that one, or some of them @_@."
"Now I don't have any kids with ADHD, but even puppies can be trained to sleep alone through the night (not calling anyone's kids puppies)."
"Yes, I feel very bad for a fellow sleep-deprived woman, and I also think your husband should do something, literally ANYTHING, to help you get some sleep, even if occasionally."
"But you are mad at him for drawing his own boundaries and sticking to them, which you should have drawn for yourself and never did." ~ PhotoForward2499
"ESH. I could barely follow this."
"People can just sleep in their own beds." ~ ServelanDarrow
"ESH. Why have you both chosen to live in houses where you don't have enough bedrooms for the children you have?"
"Honestly, you both deserve this, although his immature attitude of you needing to wake him grown-up a** so he can go to work does give him extra AH." ~ weirwoodheart
"ESH. This is a disaster of your own making."
"The co-sleeping and sharing of rooms with the children stands out as poor parenting choices that were destined to end in a train wreck."
'Be a decent Parent: teach your children to sleep alone in their own bed."
"BILLIONS of kiddos do this every night, so there's NO REASON why your children cannot."
"This is a 'You' Problem."
"Beyond that, no, your husband does not have to give up his bed or his bedroom and sleep in the child's bed so that you and the toddler can have the master bed."
"He does need to follow up with the sleep study thing: his snoring is a 'Him' Problem which is adversely affecting others -and it's his responsibility to correct it."
"That would be the reason he should sleep elsewhere (Sofa, yes, child's room NO), but not so that you can have your child in your bed." ~ TrainingDearest
"I agree."
"Co-sleeping results in no one really getting a good night's sleep."
"Kids need to learn to sleep in their own beds."
"For no other reason than to be able to sleep alone later in life." ~ Crafty_Lady_60
"ESH. Sorry, but you had no room for kids, and I see from other comments that you chose to have them?"
"If you do not have room, only one of you can sleep; you don't need more."
"The reason he is not a good adult is because you do not give him consequences apart from occasionally sleeping on the couch."
"Sit him down, set out a date you need him to see the doctor by, and tell him he is on the couch til then."
"If he whines, say it's that or divorce, and he can pay child support." ~ brokenskater45
"I personally lean toward ESH for not using protection and then complaining you can't afford 6 kids."
"You most definitely can afford protection if you can afford to keep 6 kids alive, not even thriving."
"She and her husband have set their kids up for FAILURE because there is no chance in hell that their kids will have a college fund or an investment fund or anything."
"As well as making them dependent on their parents at this age." ~ Kind-Stomach6275
"ESH- Just for this unsustainable mess y'all have created."
"Your husband is the AH for you having to wake him up."
"You, because you continue to wake him up, you keep having all these kids, and then bed sharing and making them dependent on it, you keep playing musical chairs with beds."
"That is ridiculous."
"All the kids should have their own beds; you and your husband share a bed."
"Why are you overcomplicating this?" ~ Big_Owl1220
"Well, for reasons others have detailed, ESH."
"My main reaction to this post: I am SO glad that this is not my circus and these are not my monkeys."
"Feeling blessed." ~ drmoze
"ESH - There's a lot to unpack here, and it's quite hard to follow, to be honest, but everyone should have their own beds."
"You and your husband could get two singles that can be pushed together if needed and pushed apart when not."
"Sleep is extremely important for everyone."
"I'm not surprised everyone in your household seems to have issues sleeping when it sounds like a chaotic circus with sleeping arrangements." ~ AdAggravating6730
"ESH, so whichever kid you want him to share with has to be kept awake by his snoring???"
"How the hell is that fair???"
"Your logic and reasoning sucks, and he shouldn't need your help to get to work on time.'
"Also, it sounds like he would benefit from a CPAP machine."
"Sleep apnea is no joke." ~ According_Row_9497
"ESH. You're idiots, you have too many kids, not enough space, you don't communicate worth a damn, and you're wondering why this isn't working?"
"You two deserve each other." ~ WxaithBrynger
"ESH. You don't sleep well and were unable to train any of the 4 kids how to sleep independently."
"Get help."
"Your partner is not an AH for sleeping… but you must insist on the sleep study and CPAP."
"He is an AH for the gaming space you guys didn't have room for, and he needs you to get him up in the morning." ~ MeringueRemote9352
"ESH - sorry, but this is a monster of your own making." ~ liftkitten
This is a messy situation, OP.
Reddit has a lot of thoughts about your issues.
It sounds like it's time for some BIG life changes.
He has to get that sleep study, which could change everything.
It may be a good idea to get some family therapy.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp