It's not uncommon for someone to have a hobby their spouse doesn't particularly enjoy.
As such, there tends to be an understanding that they will each have an allotted time to enjoy their hobbies. Things start to get problematic when they start enjoying their hobbies instead of spending time with their families.
This is especially true if they spend large amounts of money on this hobby instead of spending time with their families.
Redditor Sad-Long4048 had recently developed a new hobby and consulted his wife about making a very expensive purchase that would allow him to enjoy this hobby a bit more often.
When his wife gave him a hard no to this request, the original poster (OP) ignored her rejection, believing he was entitled to it.
Possibly putting his marriage on the line with his decision.
Convinced he didn't do anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA? I splurged and bought me something after my wife told me no."
The OP explained why he felt he had the right to make a very expensive purchase behind his wife's back:
"I (38 M[ale]) and my wife (35 M[ale], I'll just call her Kelly) have been together nine years married for five, and we have two kids."
"Recentl,y I've been getting into sim racing (mainly Assetto Corsa)."
"For some context, I am a long-distance trucker working 50+ hour weeks and making around $170k a year. I'm usually home on Sundays, but that's not always the case."
"When I am home, I usually try to do something with the family, but since I've found this new hobby, I've been spending more time there."
"Kelly hasn't liked it as I am not home much so when I am she wants family time, perfectly understandable."
"Yet since I can't race while working, I really don't have any time except for when I'm home."
"Within the last year, she has wanted a hot tub and a new car. I've bought her both since money is not an issue, and they would be nice."
"So about 2 weeks ago I brought up the idea that since no one ever rides with me in my truck, I could install a sim rig in the passenger seat."
"I've seen it done before and thought it would be the best of both worlds as I could race when not driving and when home we could have family time."
"She immediately shot down the idea saying it's 'just gonna be a huge waste of money'."
"So without her knowing I took off last Monday & Tuesday to have my friend who builds custom sim rigs build one into my passenger seat."
"After everything was done and bought (rig, pc, wheel, shifter, monitors, etc.) it came to be around $3,700, nothing compared to what went into her $5,000 hot tub and $39,000 car."
"Everything is collapsible, so I can see while driving, so it is not a driving hazard and doesn't affect her at all."
"When I came home this Sunday and she saw it, she went ballistic, cussing me out and left me to walk home (I park my truck at my shop, Kelly comes to pick me up and drives me home) so after a 40 minute walk I made it home to see she took the kids to her mothers and wanted to talk about making smart financial decisions."
"This made me mad, as we have a large savings account and emergency fund, so what's wrong with me spending my hard-earned money to splurge a bit on myself?"
"She is a stay-at-home mom, and it has been that way since we've met."
"I do all I can to make sure she has everything she needs and is happy, but I can't have a sim rig to relax and have some fun with the boys?"
"Am I the A**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who largely believed the OP was the a**hole for going behind Kelley's back.
Pretty much everyone found the OP's behavior to be pretty selfish, feeling they were looking for opportunities to flaunt their money and avoid spending time with his family:
"YTA."
"Buying a vehicle for your wife, who uses it to drive herself and your children around, isn't the same as dumping 4k into a hobby only you enjoy."
"Also you seem to think because you make the money you should get to enjoy stuff because your wife stays home and spends the money you make."
"You're forgetting she enables you to be on the road making that money."
"You don't have to worry about childcare."
"You don't have to wonder if your kids are getting to school or their activities."
"She's doing all of that."
"You leave, and magically, everything gets taken care of."
"That's her part of the deal."
"So your income is your part of the deal."
"Men act like cuz it's their name on the paycheck they're booking their wife up."- bionicfeetgrl
"YTA for being sneaky and weird about it."
"Adults talk issues out with their partners. They don't compile reasons why it's justified to go behind your partner's back after they said they were against it."
"If this is how you two act, then you aren't in a relationship... You made a mess."- ArleneTheMad
"ESH, leaning towards YTA."
"It definitely sounds like I make the money, while she's only a SAHM... so 'I buy her things'."
"If you don't think being a SAHM is a financially good decision for your family anymore, it's a discussion to have together."
"Big purchases should be discussed with both of you."
"If you didn't think the hotel tub was a good idea or that a cheaper car allowed more savings, that's a discussion to have."
"A car isn't a hobby, a car is a necessity in most places in the US."
"And you have two kids, so she needs a safe vehicle to take them places."
"Are you not going to use the hot tub at all?"
"You had less than 1 day a week home, and then started doing a hobby that often took that away, now you are presenting this new purchase as 'Look, I'm making more time for my family!'"
"YOU TOOK OFF TWO DAYS to install this thing."
"Couldn't you take off two days so that you had some family time, when you see them like 3 days a month?"
"When does she ever have time for 'hobbies'?"
"How well did you explain this thing you were buying?"
"I've never heard of it."
"Her immediately shooting things down while not seemingly budget conscious in general also sucks."
"The kids are not AHs."
"Poor kids."- Usrname52
There were a few, however, who also had trouble sympathizing with Kelly, feeling she overreacted by leaving for her mother's house and shouldn't have been quite so dismissive of the OP.
"ESH."
"You discussed it with her first, and while her response to your fun money seems short-sighted, she expressed disapproval, and you did it anyway."
"Essentially showing her that her opinion or input doesn't matter."
"Now, on a purely logical tangent, I agree, in the case of your hobby, your office space, your discretionary expenditure, her opinion doesn't actually matter."
"Until you involved her in it during the decision-making phase."
"After getting it, her reaction is to strand you, take the kids, and run to mothers?"
"That's ridiculous and extreme."
"You could be like so many others in long haul; drinking and visiting rippers to blow their money."
"You instead wanted to be able to spend a few hours of your mandatory rest time hitting the virtual pavement."
"It seems like a perfectly reasonable approach to having both your hobby and your family time otherwise."
"And it's not like the sim-pit set-up can only* be used for that one game, or even only racing."
"It wasn't that expensive in the scheme of simpits."
"Your mental health and happiness are important too, and part of that for humans includes pleasurable stimuli."
"I hope y'all talk this out and come to understand each other."
"You deserve and should have your toy."
"She feels disrespected."- brokensyntax
"ESH."
"I think you and your wife should go to a marriage counselor and talk some stuff out."
"You're clearly having some communication issues at the very least."
"Maybe consider asking her if she'd like to get into a hobby and try your best to support her in it so she doesn't feel like you're the only one enjoying their downtime."
"She has to work 24/7 with having kids at home."
"She's probably feeling a lack of consideration for her feelings and time."- Ca-arnish
After reading the largely negative reactions to his post, the OP returned with an update, clarifying a few things about his situation and sharing where things currently stood with his family:
"I didn't think this would be needed, but seeing all the people saying that I take 2 days off for a hobby but not for family, I take days/weeks off all the time, we go on family vacations every quarter."
"I make time for my family, and this purchase is so I can enjoy my hobby on my downtime ON THE ROAD."
"I see so many people saying 'Yeah she's mad because you spent $4k to take more family time away'."
"No, if you'd read the full post it is In. My. Truck."
"This allows me more family time, yet I'm not going out searching for things to do with my down time on the road."
"Sorry for the confusion. The title was poorly picked, too."
"For everyone saying I should have had a conversation, I tried."
"She shot me down immediately, wouldn't allow the conversation."
"The kids are back home, and everything seems to be fine, and I do call her and the kids every night."
"So many people think I don't care about my family; it's ridiculous."
It is possible to still love your family and have a hobby.
Spending over three thousand dollars on that hobby in lieu of something the whole family can share, however, seems like a questionable decision to say the least.
And even if he did buy his wife a hot tub and car with his hard-earned money, the OP doesn't seem to understand that being a stay-at-home mother doesn't come with a lot of time off either...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp