We have become socialized to assume all relationships aim to meet certain goals and expectations.
Perhaps an old nursery rhyme is to blame. You know the one…
(NAME) and (NAME)
Sitting in a tree
First comes love
Then comes marriage
But while most married couples wind up starting a family, there are no set rules about a timeline for things to follow.
After being pressed about what comes next, Redditor thasyojar2013 came up with a solution to put a stop to a popular question.
When her tactic was met with criticism, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA For Making A ‘Pregnancy Jar’?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I have been married for 6 years. Still don’t have kids (we want them but it still not happening).”
“Friends and family are causing us constant stress about having a baby soon but it’s obviously something we can’t control. We only wished that they’d stop but to no avail.”
“So what I did was come up with an idea (stupid I know) and that is to have an empty jar and call it ‘Pregnancy Jar.'”
“I carry it with me in my bag whenever I’m with friends and family and every time someone asks about when my husband and I are gonna have a baby, I pull my Jar out and ask them to drop a dollar in there for asking.”
“I’d get puzzled looks but they reach out for their pockets/wallets/purses and pull out a dollar and out it inside the jar. It actually worked because most of them stopped asking after 4 months.”
“Last week we had dinner at my parent’s house My brother came back from his business trip that lasted a month and while we were eating he asked when I and my husband were going to have a kid.”
“My husband paused, I got up from the chair and made my way to where my brother was sitting with my jar in my hand and asked him to drop a dollar for the question he asked, he stared at me and then laughed nervously, asking if I was being serious.”
“Everyone was looking at us. He said no, he didn’t have to pay me but I told him he didn’t have to ask either so here we are!”
“I could tell he felt embarrassed he immediately reached out to his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and put a dollar in my jar. I made my way back to my seat and sat down and resumed eating as if nothing happened. It got awkward afterward.”
“Mom pulled me into the kitchen later to tell me that I embarrassed my brother in front of his wife and family and said I should quit acting childish by running around with a jar demanding others to put money in it. I told her they should quit asking then.”
“She went on about how they’re just worried for us since we are in our mid-30s and don’t have much time left if we want at least one healthy baby.”
“I got upset and she started arguing. My husband and I left and we haven’t seen them in days, except I got a call from my sister basically siding with mom and the others saying I’m being childish.”
“So AITA for this?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors weighed in with their thoughts, most of which seemed to favor the OP.
“I make it awkward.”
‘Oh, dear. Maybe we are doing it right. What positions do you recommend that really make it work?’
‘Honey, do you think you should go deeper when we try to make a baby?’
“You get the point lol man do they shut up after that. It’s amazing.” – lolopiecho
“I was going to recommend also to OP to make it the ‘I want details of your sex life’ jar. Cos let’s be clear – that’s what it is.”
“You wanna know how often I’m hitting that, am I doing it right, do we both have the right junks to make a baby.”
“I’ll admit to also wanting to live vicariously through OP – I wish I’d done some of what you guys had the guts to do.” – KeepLkngForIntllgnce
“Is anyone else impressed that her family and friends have a dollar in cash on them? I’d be like ‘do you take credit or can I Venmo it to you?'”
“NTA of course.” – Adpiava
“NTA mom owes the jar a dollar. People need to quit asking people when/if they are having a kid or having another kid.”
“If they want a kid, they are probably struggling with fertility, working through that process, and it’s difficult enough without people asking.”
“If they don’t, that’s fine too.” – idngkrn
“Furthermore, OP, I will be stealing this idea for both myself and anyone I ever advise on the issue.”
“IT. IS. BRILLIANT.”
“It is because it does exactly what happened: it brings the absurdity of the question (and by extension the questioner) to an even more absurd plane. You have figured out how to ‘out crazy’ people that ask without looking crazy yourself.”
“Bravo and I regret I have not but one upvote to give.” – Tical79
“This is genius.”
“I’m going to start doing this too. I’m also I’m my mid 30’s and still get all kinds of sh*t from people. We have tried for 10 years and I have endometriosis so I’ve had 9 laparoscopic surgeries in this time.”
“My dad even brought it up yesterday when I called my mom to tell her I had a cyst rupture and was heading in for an ultrasound. -Like really dad, I’m bleeding internally but yes let’s talk about how I shouldn’t give up right now… People don’t know when to drop the subject that is clearly sensitive.”
“NTA, obviously.” – sensitivepancakes
“I wish I had thought of something like this.”
“I’m early 30s. Did IVF with donor eggs. Our first transfer out of four worked. I was too depressed to lose more embryos when our final seven didn’t implant so we stopped treatment.”
“I’ve had ten laparoscopic surgeries. My last surgery was a complete hysterectomy. Even now I still have people asking if we are having more children so I frequently re-share my devastating post from when I got back my hysterectomy biopsy report on Facebook.”
“If I don’t get questioned about if I am having more children, I am asked about if I am planning to adopt! Why can’t I just live with the family I have now? Why ask about such personal topics? I don’t understand it.” – Mindless-Witness-825
“This is what got to me. I assume your mum knows you’re not childfree by choice, so why is she so insensitive and then even lectures you like you don’t know your own situation yourself?”
“Gross behavior, I think you were trying your best to not be overly aggressive and deal with the situation in a joking way, but maybe they need to get told bluntly they are overstepping and hurtful.” – Amegami
“PLEASE tell me that at some point you plan to say to someone ‘if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that… wait, I do!’ and show them your jar. Record it and post the reaction here. For science.” – RaisingRoses
“Yes, this is a great idea!”
“NTA, OP. I love the pregnancy jar and how you turn it around and make someone uncomfortable that is asking a question that makes you uncomfortable.”
“I don’t understand why people are so nosy and make it their business to ask about kids. I was going to start lying to people and say I was infertile just to make them uncomfortable about asking.”
“But I thought I would get some bad karma from that. And now that we have 1 kid, people feel inclined to ask about more kids. It never ends.” – PopPunkIsNotDead
In an edit, the OP clarified a few things.
“(1) this has been going on for years but in the past year it has gotten worse.”
“(2) I already told them about how I feel regarding this question, my husband doesn’t care much and says I should let it go too.”
“(3) Yes they pay every time because it’s just a dollar, it won’t make me any richer or them any poorer.”
“(4) My husband and I spend the money on snacks to eat every night when watching tv or some toys for the dogs.”
“One more thing… I realize that this could actually be expanded into wedding jar/Cake jar (for weight loss)/work jar/house jar/ and so on and so on.”
“Depending on the type of struggle because these are the things we struggle and get frustrated with often but… with the fact that people will just keep asking then we might become millionaires one day. Lol.”
“Also, someone suggested I up the price to $5. It will mostly depend on the prices of gas, lol, so we’ll see.”
While the pregnancy jar may have been considered a little excessive by the family, many Redditors believed the topic of pregnancy directed at the OP and her husband was not anyone’s business.
Also, the logistics of people having kids are different for every couple.
As some of the Redditors pointed out in the thread, not all couples can afford to raise a family or are able to conceive.
These are privacy issues.
Unfortunately, some people just can’t seem to read the room, and they inevitably wind up contributing a buck as punishment for their ignorance.