"Because you're family" gets overused to overlook or excuse a multitude of sins. But clear boundaries are good for all relationships, family or not.
A woman struggling to maintain boundaries she set a decade ago turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Phantominthewoods asked:
"AITA for not allowing my dad and sister to live with us after I just had a baby and their home was ruined by a neighbor's house fire?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"To start, I needed to escape from living with my dad and sister many years ago. I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) in college ten years ago. They're irresponsible, siphon money, and don't take care of anything. My sister is a narcissist, and I have been in therapy for years."
"I had a baby recently, and I'm writing this post on 3 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and burned out. I'm a working mom, my husband works too, and we're still in survival mode."
"Their neighbor's house caught fire and burned to the ground. My dad and sister's home was close—the siding melted, windows cracked, blinds melted, inside smells like smoke. No one was hurt."
"My dad and sister still have their belongings. Utilities are off and insurance companies are looking into everything. No clue how long this will take or what is going to happen."
"However, my dad has tons of medical problems and equipment, and would need to stay on the main floor. There is nowhere for him to stay aside from the living room, our only common area, and this is where the baby spends most days. Baby is at an age where he will grab and chew on anything, including small parts for medical supplies."
"My dad would need to use the bathroom on the main floor. He is not careful when he goes, to put it politely. He refuses to clean and has been extremely disorganized since I was born."
"Medically it's different. I can't fault him for not being able to complete everyday tasks... My concern is the possibility of incontinence, and being around the baby is worrisome due to health concerns. As well as me needing to mother my own father on top of my son."
"My sister and her cat have already been staying with us over the weekend. Dad is considered a displaced senior with medical necessities, so the hospital has taken him for now. They want him out soon."
"My husband has a mild cat allergy, so we can't keep the cat in the house for long. My sister is disrespectful and rude. I'm used to ignoring her, but my husband is livid.
"She watched us put away groceries. I had to ask her to help with dishes after she ate a meal that I cooked, and she brought over my dad's dirty laundry and didn't do it because she went to an activity for fun."
"My husband is currently doing it while I'm at work, and I have to run it to my dad tonight in the hospital. She talks and talks without ever stopping. She is selfish and doesn't think about anyone except herself."
"My husband put his foot down, and I agreed. We spoke with my sister and gave her a two-week max that she could stay. She started to cry. This gives her plenty of time to work with the landlord (they rent) and the insurance to be placed into temporary housing."
"I feel very, very guilty, though. Been working on not people pleasing, but I feel like this is different. But I can't do this. I'm already at the end of my rope. I need to put my son first. I can't do more than this. Two weeks is even difficult."
"I wish I had said no. They're not good with money and don't have anything saved for emergencies. My sister said she is making phone calls today. I feel like I needed to light a fire under her a** and this certainly did it."
"I saw the neighbor's house and their house in person, and I was inside the house with all the damage. They can come and go from their place, but all the utilities are turned off until they finish assessing damage."
"We have ice and snow on the ground and single digits degree temperatures right now. The neighbor's place is completely gone. They lost everything. She'd better figure it out sooner rather than later."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I recently had a baby, and my father and sister were displaced by damage from a neighbor's house fire. I took my sister and her cat in, my dad is in the hospital, but we gave her a time limit to leave."
"We can't house my father due to concerns with his medical conditions/equipment and exposure to our baby. I feel guilty for telling them no because they are family, but I don't know what else to do."
"I can't take care of them and my baby at the same time. But my sister expects me to."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, I wouldn't have let them stay at all. They can get a hotel room. They should be able to read their insurance documents and see if temporary accommodations are supposed to be covered." ~ JaguarMammoth6231
"You can say no now. You can say no in 5 minutes or a day. You have the agency and license to decide who is allowed in your home, when, for how long, without exception."
"You can find a hotel that takes a cat (or doesn't care to check) and tell your sister to pack her asshole self to go tonight."
"Find a spine, use your husband's as backup, and get her out of your house!"
"As for your father, he can figure out where he goes after the hospital; you are not(!) responsible for finding him a place."
"You have an immediate family to care for, including an infant, and it only includes who you decide it does. You do not need to care for your adult relatives." ~ kalixanthippe
"That guilt comes from a place of trauma due to growing up around narcissists. It's not uncommon. It is, though, necessary to grow. This feeling is from putting yourself first."
"It's a new feeling because you've all likely had to step aside to let your sister shine for her whole life. Process the feelings—it's the only way to create new neural pathways to put yourself first." ~ EnjoyingTheRide-0606
"NTA. It's not your job to rehouse them; that is the insurance company's job, and to charge next door's insurance for it. Nothing you need to get involved in."
"Don't step in. They will get rehoused under insurance, and you only damage their case by offering them free housing with family."
"Also, you don't want them at yours… and can't have them at yours … (as they … are … awful .. !)"
"Stop trying to fix a problem not of your making and not solvable by you."
"Cat can go to cattery, it is literally not your job to fix this, nor take in a cat that your husband is allergic to, nor a family member you are allergic to." ~ JSam46
"*describes the most horrific people in the world to share a house with* then asks, 'Should I let them stay?'"
"NO! You said you couldn't stand living with them. Why would you live with them again by choice?" ~ LissaBryan
"You're allowed to choose your family. They only chose you when they needed something from you. Time to put your real family first and keep them the f*ck out of your life." ~ dougan25
The OP provided an update:
"Thank you all for your feedback, words of encouragement, blunt honesty, and reminders to set firm boundaries, and to take care of my husband and son first."
"I refused to allow my father and his medical equipment into our home. There were no arguments there, especially when it came down to the safety and cleanliness of my baby's living environment."
"The cat allergies became severe not only for my husband but also for me. I held firm that my sister and her cat had to be gone from our home immediately for our health; we couldn't breathe.
"I told my sister to book a pet-friendly hotel room with her own card, and thanks to a Reddit user's suggestion to help her move along quickly, we sent her the money to cover two nights to get her out of our hair. We gave her cash and are not expecting it back."
"Not ideal, but she is gone, her stuff is out of our house, and we are looking for a cleaning company to help us get rid of the dander."
"Their utilities were shut off due to the investigation of the damage to their home, and the weather was in single-digit temperatures. They couldn't stay there. The utilities were turned back on just before a week was up, and they moved back in."
"I felt such a strong obligation because 'it's family.' But you're all absolutely right. I didn't want to do this, especially not again, and extra especially because of my own growing family... and I had to hold strong. The blunt perspective was greatly appreciated."
Guilt can be a major motivation, but make sure it's not misplaced.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp