A relationship has to be able to survive a lot of things thrown at it.
From fights to family, from jobs to friends, there are plenty of things that can take the smooth sailing of your love life and add some turbulence.
When Redditor thatonebookner’s fiancée’s friend made a suggestion that upset him, was he right in his response?
To find out, he went to Reddit’s “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) board. Here, people ask if they were in the wrong in the actions they took.
The original poster (OP) asked:
“AITA for telling someone to f*** off?”
“At my fiancées work there is an attractive guy. My fiancée and her friend were talking about him and apparently the friend tried to convince my fiancée to cheat.”
“She refused and told me.”
“I visited her at work recently and this friend began telling me that we should have an open relationship and I’m holding my fiancée back. I mostly laughed it off at first and told her I wasn’t comfortable with that kind of relationship.”
“She kept pushing so I told her, “ Can you f’k off? I barely even know your name lady. Your opinion does not matter to me’.”
“She got mad and called me an a**hole. My fiancée was mad I treated her friend that way because, ‘she was joking’.”
“Am I the a**hole for getting mad?”
After the post became popular, OP came back and updated to add a little more clarifying information.
“One common question is why doesn’t the friend get with him. She did, from what I have been told she is a very promiscuous girl.”
“Also I know my fiancée has issues with people pleasing and abandonment, she’s in therapy. I’m going to bring up a lot of this to her tomorrow and tell her that I am not comfortable with her friend.”
Which brings us to the question, was OP a jerk here?
Responses on AITA use the following to vote on that question.
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Almost all the comments said OP was not the jerk.
“NTA. There is a time and a place to tell someone to f’k off, and this is clearly a great example of where it’s the right response.”
“Where you need to fix things with your fiancé is to make it clear that you don’t intend to pick her friends, but that you don’t have to like them, either, and to make sure this lady gives you a wide berth moving forward.”
“If your fiancé can’t support you on this, there are other issues in your relationship that need some work.” – Gonebabythoughts
“NTA your fiancé is severely naive if she thinks that person is a friend. A friend doesn’t try to get you to cheat and definitely doesn’t try to ruin a relationship with their friends fiancé.” – BookKeeper394
“I was just joking” is a**hole code for “I wasn’t joking, but I want to make you feel like you’re not allowed to be upset by anything I say.”” – OKflyboy
“I hate hearing ‘it’s just a joke’ or some other version of that. I grew up with someone who was mentally abusive and that was their favorite line.”
“It’s not a ‘joke’ if no one is laughing, it’s just that person being an a-hole. This woman is not a friend and it’s possible she’s trying to get OP’s fiancée to cheat because she can’t.”
“Or maybe she’s trying to get other people to validate her own choices by dragging them into adultery as well. Either way, this is not a woman who OP’s fiancée should be associating with.”
“OP is NTA and his fiancée needs to reconsider if this is someone she wants to associate with.” ~ Lynnel_McQueen
“People like that say mean and offensive things because they’re selfish and bc they want attention. They can only receive attention by being negative.”
“I just refuse to give them the approval they want and cut them out of my life. You’ll often find that the same people who make those ‘jokes’ are also emotional vampires, two-faced, and generally sh*tty loved ones because they only do what benefits them.”
“Once I understood that, it became really easy for me to stop giving a sh*t about what they say and cut them out of my life.”
“If my other pals/partner get mad or choose to continue hanging around that person, I just make myself scarce and reevaluate that friend—they might be an enabler for the toxicity, or they may be toxic themselves. Then I go from there.”
“Sometimes I feel bad because some of those people don’t realize how gross and sh*tty they’re being, but at the end of the day it’s not my responsibility to fix or tolerate them.”
“This isn’t really a practical step-by-step solution, but rather more of an attitude shift. I think it helps more in the long run.” ~ greengiant1101
“NTA, and you and your fiancé should have a talk about how she’s not correcting a friend who’s telling her to cheat.” – DwightDEisenhowitzer
Other comments went over some considerations OP should make and discuss with his fiancée, as well as thoughts about the friend.
“Also, I would discuss with the fianceè how people that egg her to cheat are def NOT friends.” – NoisyTummy
“Honestly this friend comes off as pretty toxic, who the hell goes up to a man demanding they let their fiancé bang another guy?!”
“Very NTA” – Archangel_of_Death
“Are you sure your girlfriend isn’t the one that wants an open relationship but is too scared to bring it up? So her friend helped her bring it up.”
“It would make sense why the friend is so pushy and why your girlfriend got mad at you.” – thisisforlurkingonly
“It doesn’t matter. It’s not her friend’s place, who he barely knows, to tell him he should have an open relationship.”
“If his [fiancée] wants one she can talk to her fiancé about it because these two are the only people who are entitled to have that discussion” – Past-Professor
In a relationship, one should always make sure there are open lines of communication. And sometimes, you need to close down communication with someone you thought was a friend for the sake of your relationship.
Figuring that out is the real trick.