Some people aren’t meant to be in a relationship with each other, let alone a marriage.
For instance, if two people can’t agree about vitally central subjects like finances or whether or not to have children, they likely should seek out another partner, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Beastie420 had worked hard throughout the year and managed to earn a high bonus at work, which he planned to put toward saving for a dream house.
But when his partner demanded half of the money to give to her parents to pay for their own home, and even judged him when he hesitated, the Original Poster (OP) was unsure what to expect of the future of his relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to share my bonus with my fiancée’s family?”
The OP was diligently saving up to buy a house.
“I (30 Male) work in tech and had a fantastic year at my job. I recently received a significant year-end bonus of 50,000 dollars, and I was thrilled.”
“I’ve been saving for years to buy a house, and this bonus is going directly into my house fund.”
“My fiancée (28 Female) knows this and was initially very supportive.”
However, the OP’s fiancée wanted to use his work bonus another way.
“But then she dropped a bomb on me. She asked if I could ‘spare’ 25,000 dollars, literally half of my bonus, to help her parents pay off their mortgage.”
“Apparently, her parents have been struggling financially, and she feels it’s ‘only fair’ since we’re going to be married and they’re going to be my family, too.”
“I said no. I’ve worked extremely hard for this money, and while I feel for her parents, I don’t think it’s my responsibility to bail them out, especially when I’ve never even been asked directly by them.”
“Her response? She called me selfish and accused me of ‘not caring about her family.'”
The situation continued to escalate.
“She then brought up how her parents have ‘sacrificed so much’ for her, and it’s the least I could do.”
“She’s been cold to me ever since. She’s also told her parents about my bonus (without my permission), and now I’m getting guilt-tripped by them.”
“They haven’t outright asked for money, but they’ve made several comments about how ‘lucky’ I am to have extra cash and how ‘some people don’t get that kind of opportunity.'”
The OP was no longer sure what the future held.
“When I mentioned that I plan to use the money to help secure our future with a house, my fiancée said, ‘What future? You’re already showing you don’t care about the people who matter to me.'”
“I don’t think I should have to justify how I use my bonus, but now even my own friends are split on whether I’m being reasonable or stingy.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued that the fiancée should bail her parents out, not pressure the OP.
“If they ‘sacrificed so much for her,’ SHE should help them pay their mortgage.”
“I would think long and hard about continuing with this one because this is going to be your life.”
“She’s happy volunteering your money and then she’s childish when you tell her no. NTA.” – Glassgrl1021
“She IS trying to help her parents, by emotionally blackmailing her fiance. Of course she’s going to be upset being called out on it. Anyone would be upset when they heartlessly try to blackmail their loved one and it fails, because they know the relationship can’t function afterward; that’s a huge gamble.” – Gottabecreative
“WOW, she sure is very generous with helping herself to OP’s money. It’s so manipulative to expect OP to be okay with this crazy request and then ice him out because he won’t capitulate.” – zenFieryrooster
“She really said, ‘They sacrificed so much for ME.'”
“I’d be like, ‘Well, I guess YOU better figure out a way to pay YOUR PARENTS back for all the wonderful things they gave up for YOU. They have yet to sacrifice s**t for me. I’ll even be so kind as to help you plan financially for YOUR big gift, they’ll appreciate it more coming from their own child.'” – HeyPrettyLadyMaaaaam
“She sounds like the ‘what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine’ type. If she wants to bail her parents out, then she can do so.”
“I feel for the parents, it’s rough out here, but if situations were reversed, I’m sure she wouldn’t be so keen. It’s also not like he’s planning to go blow it at the casino or something; he’s putting it away for a house for them (which I would be seriously reconsidering if I were him now).”
“At least this happened before the wedding because this is a massive issue that’s going to require plenty of thorough communication to get by if at all. Also sounds like the type to be insulted by a prenup so there’s plenty to discuss before wedding bells.” – z00k33per0304
“Tell her to get a second job to help her parents out. Perhaps in tech? I hear the bonuses are pretty nice. She can take her own advice and give all of her advances to her parents.” – NoSummer1345
After the “What future?” comment, others urged the OP to start a new life for himself.
“NTA. On the bright-side, you discovered her priorities before you did anything like adding her to a deed or marrying her.”
“Find a new fiancée.” – WhyAmIStillHere86
“Like, if she had asked, ‘Can we set some aside to help my parents with their mortgage while we save up so we don’t have to borrow as much when we apply for a loan?’ It would be a very different story.”
“And for her parents to make comments about how ‘lucky’ OP is, like he won on a scratch-off!! The entitlement is insane.”
“NTA.” But you will be if you continue this relationship!”
“So many violations by your fiance. Asking for half of your bonus? Telling her parents when it’s not their business? Threatening your relationship? What the f**k?!”
“OP, honestly, this is wild, if you do ‘help them,’ you’d be giving the green light for your fiance to extort money from you for the rest of your relationship. Next year’s bonus, you’d cover her parents’ expensive vacation because they work so hard. Or you’ll be paying off their vehicles because they taught her to drive.”
“I usually don’t agree with Reddit’s ‘break up’ response but in this case, I think you need to separate immediately. I know you love her and it hurts, but you’re lucky she let the mask slip now, before you got married.” – SnooMacarons4844
“WHAT FUTURE, indeed.”
“They’re not suited for each other. She doesn’t see the hard work that he put in for that kind of bonus. It’s all about her and her family.”
“Suddenly, he’s supposed to give half of it away?”
“Her parents are just as bad throwing out hints.” – iijoanna
“Pretty sure this is going to be the rest of your life. You being expected to pay for her and her family. If you want that, go for it.” – Far-Season-695
“I can just see it now. The manipulation won’t stop until she gets what she wants. Anytime there’s something she wants. She’ll call him cheap and selfish, all of which is wrong since he is planning for THEIR future and not spending the bonus on some frivolous pursuit.” – QuirkyHistorian7541
“I mean, like, how can your partner even say such a thing? It’s their parents, they have worked hard for your partner, so tell them to do something for them instead of being desperate to ask you for half your bonus, like it’s so crazy to think about.”
“How can a person expect for partner to pay off your parent’s mortgage, by blocking away their dream? I feel it’s great that you are getting to see the true colors of your partner. It’s straight away manipulation to make you fall for a trap. First, you aren’t even married, and it’s not fair to ask for money.”
“The portion where your partner says,’ What future,’ well, that answers a lot for you, I think. Unfortunately, your partner is after the bonus and not after you. You better secure things up and clearly have your boundaries up and tell them not to have such expectations.”
“Just saying that there is no future with my partner because my partner isn’t helping to pay the mortgage of my parents with the hard-earned money instead of fulfilling their own dream that’s super toxic.”
“You should go on to fulfill ur dream. It should be ‘my future’ and not ‘our future,’ think about yourself buddy I’ve worked extremely hard to get to where you are today don’t let such a person with a hidden motive to take it away from you. Good luck, I hope you dodge this bullet.” – Super_Nobody4541
“She dropped her mask a bit too early for her schemes, but thank the universe she did, OP, because now you see who she really is.”
“I’m so sorry, I’m sure this stings, but not as much as if you married this horrible person.”
“NTA but RUNNNNNNNN!!” – CuriousPenguinSocks
The subReddit could not believe the audacity, not just of the OP’s partner but of her parents.
It was one thing for her to entertain the idea of helping her parents, but to take her disappointment out on the OP and to even share information with her parents that wasn’t their business were hardly the signs of a quality long-term partner.