Words have a great deal of power.
People often forget that fact.
That's why everyone is often told... "Choose your words wisely!"
Sometimes even in the most innocent of moments, words cut deep.
Redditor Quiet-Vermicelli7444 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my mother she's not a 'first-time mom' now that she had a new baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (24 M[ale]) have a good relationship with my mother (40 F[emale]) even though, as you can tell from our age, she had me when she was very young and obviously lacked the maturity to raise me."
"So I lived with my grandparents, who were then below the poverty line, for most of my childhood while my mother moved away to get her college education."
"I don't blame her for her choices."
"I know she worked hard to improve herself and to get to a place where she would have the means to raise me right, but it wasn't until I was 11 or 12 that she was stable enough to get me to live with her (bio dad was never in the picture)."
"Anyway, now, my mother is financially comfortable and happily married."
"She gave birth to her second son a couple of weeks ago."
"I don't live with her anymore (we're not in the same city, it's a 2-hour drive), so it wasn't until yesterday that I managed to visit her and see my half-brother for the first time."
"I noticed she was surrounded by a lot of fancy accessories, so I was like 'What are those?'"
"And she was like 'That's the baby's Lexus stroller and Louis Vuitton diaper bag of course.'"
"So I said something like 'You really went overboard huh?'"
"And then she said something that really hurt me."
"She said she now had the chance to experience motherhood for the first time, and that she was feeling like a first-time mom because, when she had me, she was so young and unprepared and financially vulnerable."
"So I told her she was not a first-time mom, and I couldn't understand why she'd say something like that to me."
"She tried to argue that she didn't mean it like that, but I was still upset, I just didn't push it because my stepfather arrived."
"She texted me after I left, but I haven't replied yet."
"I also didn't pick up when she tried to call me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for holding on to this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA and this is a very tricky situation and I understand why you are upset."
"I'm sorry that you didn't get the same response when you were born as your mum was so young."
"It's an insensitive thing to say to you and I hope your mother can try to understand why you are upset." ~ Realistic-Active7230
"It's only going to get worse because Mom is in a very different place now than when she had OP."
"She will be a present and attentive mother, spoiling her son, and OP could become very resentful of this (already showing signs of it)."
"I'm torn between ESH and NTA." ~ busybeaver1980
"Well, for one thing, OP's mom should be more mindful of what she says."
"She basically abandoned her first child and is now acting like that wasn't her fault."
"As a fellow parent, I am also stunned and wondering what kind of an idiot buys those brands of baby gear."
"To each their own, but I would say that if OP has any student loan debt or anything like that, their mom should have helped with that before throwing money away on designer baby merchandise." ~ Individual_Ebb3219
"I was my parents oops baby, my 2 siblings 18 and 20 years older than me."
"My sister was especially conscious of things that I got, that she and our brother did not."
"It wasn't my fault our parents were in a better financial situation, and I was the kid, don't take it out on me."
"OP whatever resentment you harbor towards your mom, please don't take it out on your little brother."
"Some of my best memories are time spent with my older brother; conversely, some of the worst, with my sister."
"Choose wisely." ~ ProudCatLadyxo
"I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree 100%."
"I can also somewhat sympathize with OP in the sense that not only did his mom get all the stuff necessary and frivolous."
"But she also went for the top shelf, crazy expensive luxury items that OP likely couldn't even afford now let alone ever expect them growing up."
"Part of me wonders what kind of life his mom provided once he moved in and how involved she is now."
"I'm not saying OP deserves a new BMW but I can understand the bitter taste." ~ Xipos
"Mom stated she felt like a first-time mom because this is the first time she's going to raise a child."
"She didn't claim she was a first-time mom."
"OP is feeling hurt because his half-brother is going to have a much different relationship with his mother than he had."
"He's going to be raised by his mother when OP was raised by his grandparents until he was 12."
This is going to be a tough situation for OP to witness. I strongly suggest OP get some counseling."
"NAH. And good luck." ~ AbleRelationship6808
"I have to say NAH."
"Mom didn't word it the best, and I don't blame OP for feeling hurt, and am not invalidating his feelings."
"However, it sounds more like his mother missed having that experience with him, and is making up for it now."
"She's in no way saying he's any less her son, but that she didn't get to enjoy being his mom from the start." ~ lenny_ray
"I think she does feel bad she slipped and said this."
"I definitely understand why you had a hard time with it."
"But it sounds like she understands she messed up and she is really sorry."
"I don't know if this will help you feel better someday but: if someday you have your own kids they will have a young grandma which is nice."
"Those of us that did the responsible thing and waited, the grandparents are old and not so mobile and able to do as many things with the kids."
"So although the cultural narrative is to be mean to people who have kids when they are young and broke, there are tradeoffs to each life choice, it is not a black-and-white thing."
"Wishing you and your family all the best." ~ Abject-Interview4784
"NAH. I understand why her words hurt you."
"Yes, she was already a mum before her second child."
"But it sounds like she wasn't your primary caretaker until you were over a decade old."
"I'm extrapolating here, and I apologize if I'm wrong, but she wasn't able to spend the amount of time with you as a baby that most Mum's do."
"She didn't get the experience of buying baby stuff, making the decisions, controlling the environment, being responsible for a new, little life."
"I don't think she's wrong for being happy that she can now have that experience."
"I also don't think her comments mean that you don't matter to her, or that she doesn't consider you to be her child."
"It sounds like seeing the financial stability and comfort your half-sibling has been born into made you feel some things, and your mum's comments pushed you over the line into being pissed off." ~ Tattedtail
"Right! Many parents have babies young and are present for their kids."
"Just not OP's."
"If at 40 years old you're still so unaware that words have meaning, then what have you been doing?"
"It's one thing to tell anyone you feel/get to be a first-time mom it's another to say that to the child you left behind so you could better yourself."
"Everyone is giving this mother too much leeway."
"OP, NTA." ~ mikesbabymomma81
"I think it's also important to point out that she didn't say the baby was her first child, just that it felt like it because she didn't get the experience with OP."
"Could she have worded it better, sure, but I don't think it was meant to be hurtful."
"She was also slightly on the defensive because of the comment about the baby stuff."
"OP, your feelings are valid, but I don't think your mother was trying to be mean."
"Take some time to cool off, then sit down and have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. NAH." ~ gydzrule
"NAH. Your feelings are valid."
"But to be fair, in your own words, your mother said she was FEELING like a first-time mum, not that she WAS."
"Your own post states that she spoke about how the experience makes her FEEL like she's experiencing motherhood for the first time and let's be real, that is what is happening, kind of."
"She was young when she had you, left you at your grandparents, and didn't actually raise you."
"By her own choice, she didn't get the mum of a newborn/infant experience with you."
"I think she knows that her phrasing hurt you and is trying to talk to you and apologize."
"I don't think she was trying to be mean or to imply that you are any less her child." ~ katbelleinthedark
"NTA. Your mother failed to engage that vital filter between the brain and mouth."
"Anyone with half a brain would have known that comment would hurt you and make you feel like she thinks you don't really count as *her* child."
"It's the sort of comment that tickles those psychological abandonment places and she needs to apologize to you." ~ kifflington
"I agree. You are NTA."
"My mom had me at 16 and the difference between how my parents raised me and my youngest sister was huge."
"They had more money, so my sister had more toys and experiences than I ever had."
"I was in high school when she was born so she doesn't remember me living at home when she was growing up."
"I signed us up for things like cake decorating classes when she was a teenager and we bonded that way."
"I didn't blame her for the difference in our upbringing and we have a great relationship now."
"Maybe you can have a good relationship with your sibling later too." ~ Forward_Role5334
"NTA. It was a very insensitive thing to say."
"She may have been 16 when she had you but she's 40 now and should absolutely know better." ~ JJQuantum
Reddit understands your frustration, OP.
It's an unfortunate incident. You have every right to your feelings.
It sounds like your Mom had no malicious intent.
Hopefully, you'll be able to talk it over.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp