Sometimes family members can be the most hurtful people.
Maybe they don't know it, but that doesn't mean one needs to accept it.
Berating loved ones can take its toll.
And when limits are breached, it's war.
Redditor u/Ok_General_7169 wanted to share their experience and get feedback, so they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
""AITA for telling my MIL to fu*k off after she screamed at my wife over a salad?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m 23 M[ale], and my wife is 21 F[emale]."
"We got married last year and moved in with my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] after she offered to let us stay for $300 a month plus groceries."
"At first, everything was fine.
"We cleaned, did dishes, helped with her three dogs and two cats, bought groceries, and I even fixed her dishwasher and clogged sink."
"After a couple of months, I started seeing the anger issues my wife had warned me about."
"Her mom would explode over small things, yell at my wife, call her names, and constantly claim we didn’t help around the house."
"A couple of months ago, she accused us of not paying rent even though we had."
"We paid her again and told her to count the extra payment toward the next month. "
"She also complained that we never offered her food, even though I regularly cooked or bought enough for everyone, including her and my 15-year-old B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"This past Sunday, my wife was getting ready for work and saw some kale salad in the fridge."
"She tried asking her mom if she could have some but got no answer, so she ate less than half and put the rest back."
"Her mom completely lost it."
"She threw the salad bag on the floor near our room and started screaming at my wife, calling her an animal, a b*tch, and other names."
"I stayed quiet at first because I usually avoid getting involved in their arguments."
"Then her mom threatened to go to my wife’s workplace because my wife said she couldn’t talk to her while she was yelling."
"When she saw me, she started yelling at me too, saying we needed to 'get our sh*t together.'”
"That’s when I snapped."
"I told her to f*ck off and said her reaction over a salad was insane."
"I told her she constantly says we do nothing even though we pay rent, clean, buy groceries, help with the animals, fix things around the house, and regularly offer her food."
"I also told her she’s always angry and pushing everyone away."
"My wife and I left afterward because I needed to cool down."
"I was shaking because I normally hate confrontation, but I felt like I finally needed to stand up for my wife and myself."
"I talked to my dad afterward and decided we’re moving back into the condo I was already helping pay for."
"I know telling my MIL to f*ck off wasn’t the best way to handle it, but after months of watching her scream at my wife, I reached my limit."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA MIL is abusive." ~ isfpfish
"Good for OP for standing up for his wife."
"MIL needed to hear someone call her out."
"She thought that she could treat you and your wife like sh*t because you're staying at her place."
"Soon she'll realize that she lost her family and a good source of income." ~ IceSeeker
"He didn’t really stand up for his wife, did he?"
"MIL screams at his wife; he does nothing."
"MIL threatens to go to his wife’s workplace; he does nothing."
"MIL sees him and starts yelling at HIM; he responds."
"To be clear, I’m not judging him."
"He’s young, and it’s an awkward situation when you’re staying with your partner’s family; there are established dynamics that you don’t quite know how to manage."
"I just don’t think he necessarily deserves praise either." ~ Local_Initiative8523
"NTA. Good on you for standing up for her."
"Get out of there ASAP."
"Do also consider getting your own place so you can live as adults without a parent in the same home."
"I don't know if you’re planning to have kids but definitely don’t get pregnant until you have stable accommodation you can afford, that isn’t relying on anybody else’s goodwill." ~ EmotionalSouth
"NAH, I'm on team 'define weird' also because 'weird' can apply to a lot of different things."
"For example, there's weird as in 'getting antsy about someone new being in 'his space,' and then there's weird as in 'making borderline (?) gross comments about the benefits of finally having a woman in the house.'"
"The former is something that can be worked on, while the latter is something OP should protect his wife from (even if it's 'just' comments and not actions, and even if OP's father has apologized and claims to have changed)." ~ Aethey_
"I kinda was that kid. Mom had a mean streak toward my older sisters specifically but always kinda favored me, which mostly means she left me alone as I got older."
"Partially because around 14-15 years old, I had learned how to tiptoe around all her triggers and keep the peace."
"It probably wasn’t very good for me to rewire my brain in that way, but c’est la vie."
"I went to state college right after high school, with no money and no plan, just to get out of there."
"I’m pushing 30 now, and I may still be a hot mess, but at least I’m living my own drama-free life, N[o] C[ontact] with parents."
"Let the kid know he still has people."
"Check in with him and take him to lunch every so often, explicitly tell him that you’ll listen to anything he wants to talk about."
"It’ll help, I’d bet."
"Also, for the record, NTA, a lot of times a girl’s first bully is her mom, and you were right to stand up for her." ~ Miserable_Pop_4593
"NTA. Maybe it sounds harsh, but maybe she needed to finally hear something back."
"Get a taste of her own medicine."
"She’s clearly got issues."
"I feel bad for the 15-year-old."
"I would actually invite him to come stay over whenever he’d like when you move."
"I’m sure he needs a break from her."
"Giving him a space where he can escape that for days at a time will benefit him."
"That woman definitely needs therapy." ~ xXcriticalpipeXx
"NTA, I was once in your wife's position with my own abusive parents."
"My husband didn't quite understand until I had a severe asthma attack and couldn't do something my mom wanted, so she started screaming, cussing me out, and threatening me all while I struggled to breathe."
"My husband rushed between us and started yelling right back, giving her a taste of her own medicine, while he scooped me up and took me to the hospital."
"You protected your wife like you're supposed to."
"Your MiL deserved a reality check a long time ago."
"Now your wife needs to set up strong boundaries with consequences."
"Your wife will probably also need therapy eventually because, from personal experience growing up in an abusive household, you get conditioned to be a people pleaser, and you bottle up your own feelings, and none of it is healthy." ~ Silaquix
"NTA. You are doing the best thing by leaving."
"And your stress levels will disappear!"
"MIL thought she had control over you because you lived there."
"It would only get worse."
"I'd be going NTA with that kind of abusive monster."
"Your poor wife. "
"Good on you for standing up for her!" ~ Worth-Two7263
"Sounds like you hit your limit, and the abuse had taken its toll."
"I personally feel like she deserved every single bit of honesty that you gave her - even if you had to raise your voice to make it clear how you and your wife felt."
"'Cause that kind of loud, verbal feedback (although it may sound counterintuitive to a good relationship/atmosphere) is the only way that some people will get it into their heads how unfair they're being."
"So I mean, yeah - I think that you honestly handled it decently well, even if it feels like you didn't."
"Like, nobody was harmed physically; it was just an outpouring of pent-up emotion."
"Abuse is not okay in any situation."
"So, calling it out for what it was was a good thing that you did."
"I think you should be proud of yourself for standing up for your wife, and I applaud you."
"Don't second-guess yourself, OP."
"I know it can be hard living with abusive people."
"Been there, done that."
"Get out sooner rather than later, and just remove yourself from the situation."
"Best of luck." ~ anothersip
"Fu*k her, what's good for goose is good for the gander."
"I speak to my MIL the same way she speaks to me, and she gets upset every time." ~ Chemical_Shirt7837
OP came back with an update...
"My MIL sent my wife a long message that wasn’t really an apology."
"She blamed us for not helping enough around the house and said anger doesn’t justify yelling or disrespect, which felt ironic given her own behavior."
"She also claimed we hadn’t paid August’s rent, despite us accidentally paying twice in July and telling her to apply the second payment to August."
"My BIL told us that on Sunday, she called her ex-husband and asked him to make me leave because she was uncomfortable."
"When he refused, she threatened to call the police."
"I wasn’t threatening anyone or doing anything illegal—I was already packing and would have left if she had simply asked—but police involvement could create serious problems for me."
It's good to hear that you're taking steps to leave.
This sounds like a very unhealthy and unsafe environment.
