Parents looking forward to starting or expanding their family have plenty to look forward to.
A tradition most parents are excited about is throwing parties, including gender reveal and baby showers.
One mom-to-be who struggled with conceiving came into some good news, but things soured quickly during a recent development.
As a result of the drama, she visited the “Am I the a**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Agreeable_Slide_9672 asked:
“AITA? Do i deserve a shower, even though I’m not a ‘real mom’?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28 F[female]) and my husband (29 M[ale]) have been together for 8 years married for 5. We have been trying for children since we got married and have been struggling with infertility.”
“We decided (after lots of therapy and private discussions) to become foster parents. We have passed all the checks and done the training and we are now licensed(yay!)”
The OP continued:
“Our families haven’t been very warm to this. (His family wanted us to have biological children, a sibling is worried about us bringing ‘kids with issues’ around her kids) but our friends have been so supportive and excited for us.”
“My one friend (35 f[female]) wanted to host something akin to a baby shower for us to help us with things we would need for foster kids( clothes, toys, books, bedding etc) and to celebrate this chapter in our lives.”
“Invitations were sent out and we were met with incredible backlash from both sides.”
The OP shared examples of the negative responses she received.
“Saying things like i wasn’t having a baby so i shouldn’t need a shower and if i couldn’t afford to foster then i shouldnt do it some going as far to say that i wasn’t a real mother and i shouldn’t be so selfish as to expect a party.”
“Me and my husband can more than afford it and i wasn’t expecting anything. This was something a friend had planned for me that i thought was nice.”
“Am i the a**hole for wanting to have a nice shower even though im not a ‘real mom’?
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here (NTA), and they shared helpful tips and gave reminders of what the goal of these get-togethers set out to accomplish.
“NTA I think this was a really sweet idea from your friend and I’m sorry you faced such backlash.”
“I think it might have been a little impractical since I doubt you’ll have much say in what ages you get so stocking up on clothes, toys and books ahead of time might backfire, but I bet you could come up with quite a list that’s mostly useful regardless of age/gender (car seats can support a wide range of ages for example).”
“If I were in your circle I would have been happy to help; I’ve donated to local foster closets in the past, so this just seems like a more personal version of that.” – Salty-Initiative-242
“Foster parents need to have a 24 hour kit for all ages and genders that they accept because there is no warning most of the time and the drop off could be in the middle of the night.” – DeliciousBuffalo69
“I’ve heard of foster parents giving the kids backpacks because a lot of them turn up with their things in plastic bags, which isn’t nice for them. So being gifted backpacks could be helpful. Then a stockpile of things like sheets/pillowcases, toothbrushes and deodorants would be practical.”
“I think the shower to celebrate this chapter for OP is a beautiful idea. I hope OP and friends have a really lovely day.” – 31anon5
“A shower is supposed to celebrate becoming parents and the village that it takes to raise children coming together to provide stuff for the parents to help ease them into parenthood isn’t it? It’s about the gifts, but it’s also about your support network showing their support, which can be just as important.”
“I’m glad that at least the friend has realised this and is supportive, because OP’s families treating them like a baby shower is a celebration of having sex is really odd, and kinda disappointing that they’re not onboard with the support.” – durrellb
“Honestly a lot of showers barely ‘break even’ with how people plan them to have good decorations and food and at venues. It’s about coming together and celebrating that milestone.”
“Similarly, an average wedding cost around here is like 30k, and many people aren’t getting 30k back out of their gifts, and just hope to cover the expense of the wedding itself.” – notthdefaultname
“OP, congrats on being a foster parent! It’s very exciting and fun and challenging and frustrating and wonderful and terrible. It can be incredibly hard sometimes but it’s also vastly rewarding.”
“I love that your friends wanted to give you a foster shower! If more people normalized foster parenting and treated it as valuable and important, instead of acting like you’re just providing three hots and a cot for an ‘unwanted” child,’ more people might become foster parents!”
“Please value the friends you have and recognize who the ones are who gave you support for this. Those are the ones who will listen to you and be there when you need them.”
“You might have an idea of the age you’re getting, but you’re going to get requests for kids out of your age range, so you probably want to be ready for that.”
“I would highly recommend investing in unisex clothes (like sweats and t-shirts) for younger kids, and go to someplace like Plato’s Closet for some simple teen clothes that can stretch. If you’re good on furniture, you’ll want a good car seat, a stroller (stroller wagons are best because you can fit two kids in there if you need to), and a stash of toiletries.”
“Having sanitary kits made up can really help reduce the running around – and remember to get products for hair types different than yours. A good kit would have a toothbrush, hairbrush or comb, deodorant, a bar of soap and hair ties for long hair – things like toothpaste can be shared with multiple people, so they don’t need to be in a kit, but being able to hand a kid a ziploc bag of unused toiletries is very nice.”
“I really like to have sets of sheets and pillow cases in a lot of colors, so kids can pick what they like and personalize their space a little. For older kids, having a big whiteboard in the room is great, so they can decorate their space.” – Cloverose2
“I concur. What a really sweet gesture from your friend. I’m sure there’s lots of things that would be nice to have for each kiddo that stays with you.”
“Your families, on the other hand, suck. If they don’t have anything nice to say about it, they should keep their mouths shut.” – EauFly4
“NTA. This is a nice idea. But you can clearly see, who will be toxic to your future foster child(ren). Stick to your friends, ignore this family members and best limitate contact with them.” – Trevena_Ice
“NTA. Motherhood comes from the heart not the womb. You are a mother, a real mother, because your heart is open and full of love to share with a kid that needs the love of a mother. Keep the people that celebrate you and your journey, everyone else can go kick rocks with bare feet.” –
time-watertraveler
“NTA Maybe it’s a little unusual, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. They didn’t have to attend or give gifts if they didn’t want to. Otherwise, they should have kept their mouths shut.”
‘if i couldnt afford to foster then i shouldnt do it.’
“Funny how they wouldn’t say that to someone bringing a new life into the world. But you’re somehow selfish for taking in children who need a home. Forget those people. You don’t need them in your life.” – SoMuchMoreEagle
“NTA.”
“It takes a LOT to be ready for foster kids – particularly since you’re never sure exactly what ages, interests, and needs you’re going to be asked to take care of. This is a huge and wonderful thing for you to be doing, and what a kind gesture from your friend!”
“I would simply tell everyone who thinks you shouldn’t be doing this that they don’t have to attend and they can keep their opinions to themselves.” – Own_Lack_4526
“NTA. My wife used to be state director of a foster care agency, so I know what goes into being a foster parent. A shower is definitely something foster parents appreciate.”
“You might end up being more of a mom to these kids than their bio mom, depending on if it is a short term foster or a foster to adopt. If you get kids who have had a TPR done on their parents, then you definitely are going to be more of a mom to them than anyone they have had in their life before you.”
“They may not realize that at the time, but they can look back and see how much you cared for them!” – ProfessorOfDumbFacts
Redditors continued showing support for the OP by expressing how thoughtful it was for the friend to have planned the event that could be very beneficial to her and her husband.
They also thought that those who took personal issue with the shower have the option of declining the invitation or showing up for moral support without bringing gifts if that was a major point of contention.
Hopefully, the OP will have enough people who care enough there to shower her with plenty of love.