Parents looking forward to starting or expanding their family have plenty to look forward to.
A tradition most parents are excited about is throwing parties, including gender reveal and baby showers.
One mom-to-be who struggled with conceiving came into some good news, but things soured quickly during a recent development.
As a result of the drama, she visited the "Am I the a**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Agreeable_Slide_9672 asked:
"AITA? Do i deserve a shower, even though I'm not a 'real mom'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 F[female]) and my husband (29 M[ale]) have been together for 8 years married for 5. We have been trying for children since we got married and have been struggling with infertility."
"We decided (after lots of therapy and private discussions) to become foster parents. We have passed all the checks and done the training and we are now licensed(yay!)"
The OP continued:
"Our families haven't been very warm to this. (His family wanted us to have biological children, a sibling is worried about us bringing 'kids with issues' around her kids) but our friends have been so supportive and excited for us."
"My one friend (35 f[female]) wanted to host something akin to a baby shower for us to help us with things we would need for foster kids( clothes, toys, books, bedding etc) and to celebrate this chapter in our lives."
"Invitations were sent out and we were met with incredible backlash from both sides."
The OP shared examples of the negative responses she received.
"Saying things like i wasn't having a baby so i shouldn't need a shower and if i couldn't afford to foster then i shouldnt do it some going as far to say that i wasn't a real mother and i shouldn't be so selfish as to expect a party."
"Me and my husband can more than afford it and i wasn't expecting anything. This was something a friend had planned for me that i thought was nice."
"Am i the a**hole for wanting to have a nice shower even though im not a 'real mom'?
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here (NTA), and they shared helpful tips and gave reminders of what the goal of these get-togethers set out to accomplish.
"NTA I think this was a really sweet idea from your friend and I'm sorry you faced such backlash."
"I think it might have been a little impractical since I doubt you'll have much say in what ages you get so stocking up on clothes, toys and books ahead of time might backfire, but I bet you could come up with quite a list that's mostly useful regardless of age/gender (car seats can support a wide range of ages for example)."
"If I were in your circle I would have been happy to help; I've donated to local foster closets in the past, so this just seems like a more personal version of that." – Salty-Initiative-242
"Foster parents need to have a 24 hour kit for all ages and genders that they accept because there is no warning most of the time and the drop off could be in the middle of the night." – DeliciousBuffalo69
"I've heard of foster parents giving the kids backpacks because a lot of them turn up with their things in plastic bags, which isn't nice for them. So being gifted backpacks could be helpful. Then a stockpile of things like sheets/pillowcases, toothbrushes and deodorants would be practical."
"I think the shower to celebrate this chapter for OP is a beautiful idea. I hope OP and friends have a really lovely day." – 31anon5
"A shower is supposed to celebrate becoming parents and the village that it takes to raise children coming together to provide stuff for the parents to help ease them into parenthood isn't it? It's about the gifts, but it's also about your support network showing their support, which can be just as important."
"I'm glad that at least the friend has realised this and is supportive, because OP's families treating them like a baby shower is a celebration of having sex is really odd, and kinda disappointing that they're not onboard with the support." – durrellb
"Honestly a lot of showers barely 'break even' with how people plan them to have good decorations and food and at venues. It's about coming together and celebrating that milestone."
"Similarly, an average wedding cost around here is like 30k, and many people aren't getting 30k back out of their gifts, and just hope to cover the expense of the wedding itself." – notthdefaultname
"OP, congrats on being a foster parent! It's very exciting and fun and challenging and frustrating and wonderful and terrible. It can be incredibly hard sometimes but it's also vastly rewarding."
"I love that your friends wanted to give you a foster shower! If more people normalized foster parenting and treated it as valuable and important, instead of acting like you're just providing three hots and a cot for an 'unwanted" child,' more people might become foster parents!"
"Please value the friends you have and recognize who the ones are who gave you support for this. Those are the ones who will listen to you and be there when you need them."
"You might have an idea of the age you're getting, but you're going to get requests for kids out of your age range, so you probably want to be ready for that."
"I would highly recommend investing in unisex clothes (like sweats and t-shirts) for younger kids, and go to someplace like Plato's Closet for some simple teen clothes that can stretch. If you're good on furniture, you'll want a good car seat, a stroller (stroller wagons are best because you can fit two kids in there if you need to), and a stash of toiletries."
"Having sanitary kits made up can really help reduce the running around - and remember to get products for hair types different than yours. A good kit would have a toothbrush, hairbrush or comb, deodorant, a bar of soap and hair ties for long hair - things like toothpaste can be shared with multiple people, so they don't need to be in a kit, but being able to hand a kid a ziploc bag of unused toiletries is very nice."
"I really like to have sets of sheets and pillow cases in a lot of colors, so kids can pick what they like and personalize their space a little. For older kids, having a big whiteboard in the room is great, so they can decorate their space." – Cloverose2
"I concur. What a really sweet gesture from your friend. I'm sure there's lots of things that would be nice to have for each kiddo that stays with you."
"Your families, on the other hand, suck. If they don't have anything nice to say about it, they should keep their mouths shut." – EauFly4
"NTA. This is a nice idea. But you can clearly see, who will be toxic to your future foster child(ren). Stick to your friends, ignore this family members and best limitate contact with them." – Trevena_Ice
"NTA. Motherhood comes from the heart not the womb. You are a mother, a real mother, because your heart is open and full of love to share with a kid that needs the love of a mother. Keep the people that celebrate you and your journey, everyone else can go kick rocks with bare feet." –
time-watertraveler
"NTA Maybe it's a little unusual, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. They didn't have to attend or give gifts if they didn't want to. Otherwise, they should have kept their mouths shut."
'if i couldnt afford to foster then i shouldnt do it.'
"Funny how they wouldn't say that to someone bringing a new life into the world. But you're somehow selfish for taking in children who need a home. Forget those people. You don't need them in your life." – SoMuchMoreEagle
"NTA."
"It takes a LOT to be ready for foster kids - particularly since you're never sure exactly what ages, interests, and needs you're going to be asked to take care of. This is a huge and wonderful thing for you to be doing, and what a kind gesture from your friend!"
"I would simply tell everyone who thinks you shouldn't be doing this that they don't have to attend and they can keep their opinions to themselves." – Own_Lack_4526
"NTA. My wife used to be state director of a foster care agency, so I know what goes into being a foster parent. A shower is definitely something foster parents appreciate."
"You might end up being more of a mom to these kids than their bio mom, depending on if it is a short term foster or a foster to adopt. If you get kids who have had a TPR done on their parents, then you definitely are going to be more of a mom to them than anyone they have had in their life before you."
"They may not realize that at the time, but they can look back and see how much you cared for them!" – ProfessorOfDumbFacts
Redditors continued showing support for the OP by expressing how thoughtful it was for the friend to have planned the event that could be very beneficial to her and her husband.
They also thought that those who took personal issue with the shower have the option of declining the invitation or showing up for moral support without bringing gifts if that was a major point of contention.
Hopefully, the OP will have enough people who care enough there to shower her with plenty of love.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp