It's always exciting when a friend or family member comes for a visit.
Even if the visit also brings a fair amount of stress, you still have to get everything prepared for them.
Then, in some cases, the excitement of the visit takes no time at all to dampen when the visitor shows no gratitude or appreciation for our hospitality.
A friend of Redditor Ok-Cauliflower-619 was recently going through a hard time and asked to stay with the original poster (OP).
While the OP was initially happy to welcome this friend into their home, they quickly regretted their decision.
Eventually coming to the decision that this would be the first and last time this particular friend ever stayed in their home.
Wondering if this was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to host a friend again?"
The OP explained why their home was now off-limits to a friend from the past:
"Over the weekend, an old friend came to visit and stayed with my family for a few days."
"We first met 17 years ago when we were both single, and despite living in different states, we kept in touch, mostly through social media and seeing each other about once every five years."
"Recently, she began going through a divorce and asked if she could stay at my place. It was her first time staying with us."
"Before she arrived, I set clear expectations."
"I explained that my schedule as a lawyer running my own practice, combined with my kids’ school drop-offs and pick-ups, meant our routine is packed and would limit what we could do."
"She assured me that was fine."
"The day she flew in, I couldn't pick her up due to school pick-up, so I offered to pay for her Uber, which she accepted."
"The first evening went well."
"My husband usually cooks weekday dinners since he gets home before me and I’m busy with work and the kids."
"I take pride in my Mexican heritage, but with my busy schedule, I don't cook Mexican meals during the week, so we eat whatever my husband prepares."
"He’s not Mexican but always cooks an amazing home-cooked meal."
"However, she mentioned she was disappointed we weren’t having Mexican food."
"She is not Mexican and wanted some home cooked Mexican food."
"I apologized and reminded her of my busy work schedule."
"Despite my efforts, her behavior slowly started making me feel uncomfortable."
"To avoid paying for a carry-on bag, she brought only a personal item, which meant she had almost none of her essentials."
"She forgot a charger and spent every day asking to borrow my belongings, ranging from my hair straightener and brush to my makeup."
"The mornings were especially awkward."
"She would walk into my bedroom unannounced to borrow items."
"Because she didn't have a charger, she would walk right over to my side of the bed while I was in it to plug her phone in."
"One morning, she even asked my husband for Q-tips and a bag for her clothes."
"When we went out for drinks, she repeatedly asked to try my drink."
"I reluctantly agreed, but sharing drinks like that made me genuinely uncomfortable and ruined my evening."
"At one point, when the waiter forgot my cutlery, she told me to just use hers."
"I let her know that makes me feel uncomfortable."
"I paid for most of our meals and tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible."
"However, I feel a lot of boundaries were crossed."
"If I were staying with someone to save on accommodation, the least I would do is pay for luggage and bring my own supplies rather than relying on my hosts for everything."
"Now, she wants to visit every six months and expects to stay at my place."
"I have no desire to host her anymore, but I don't know how to bring it up."
"I’ve come to realize that while we were friends in our youth, we have grown into very different people with completely different standards of respect and personal space."
"AITA for being annoyed and a bad host, or was she out of line?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**Hole for refusing to allow their friend to stay in their house again.
Everyone agreed that this friend quickly outwore her welcome, with many surprised they even let her stay once in the first place:
"NTA."
“'Sorry, we’ve realized we can’t host for extended periods of time with our busy schedules. Happy to meet up for dinner the next time you’re in town!'”- BDizzMcNizz
"'Now, she wants to visit every six months and expects to stay at my place. I have no desire to host her anymore, but I don't know how to bring it up'."
"Friend: Hey, I'm coming in on
"You: Oh cool, where you staying? I'll check my calendar maybe we can meet up if not I hope you enjoy your vacay!."
"#travellife"
"NTA."
"Friend: Oh I thought I could stay with you."
"You: Oh, Im sorry you never asked. I think I'm done with Hotel life. Like to keep my space where I can reload ya know."-pottersquash
"You’re a practicing attorney raising school-age children and she expected homemade Mexican food on a weeknight?"
"GTFO with that."
"NTA in any respect."
"The B&B is CLOSED."- Otherwise_Turnip7135
"NTA!"
"Oh my Godddd?"
"Babe this reads like a horror movie."
"Do not ever let that woman back in your house."
"I hope she never gets to eat another tamal in here LIFE!"- magic_snail1888
"NTA."
"Just say no, you have other commitments."
"No need to tell her what they are."
"Just be consistently unavailable whenever she mentions visiting again."
"Give the names of some nice hotels if she likes your area so much."
"She seems very entitled to your hospitality."- 907puppetGirl
"NTA."
"You’re a lawyer with kids and a husband."
"Aren’t you supposed to be an expert with your words and able to say no a million ways?"- Kindly-Might-1879
"NTA."
"'I'm sorry, but based on your last visit, you made it obvious that I am unable to provide the comforts you needed. I wouldn't want to put either of us through that again'."- WaywardHistorian667
"NTA."
"If she's such a good friend then she will understand when you explain that you won't be available for overnight guests every 6 months."
"If she's not, then losing her won't be a big deal."
"Realistically, you should have called out the behavior when it was happening."
"You can't just set a boundary then let people stomp all over it while you stew quietly then somehow expect them to know you're upset."
"Use you words."
"Communicate like an adult."- bmw5986
"NTA."
“'I don’t know how'.”
"Yes, It is uncomfortable, but when she says she is coming (or if she calls to talk about an upcoming visit) you need to TELL her. Either directly ('you cannot stay with us') or less directly ('what hotel will you be staying in')."
"And you should not give a reason she can argue against."
"As in 'it will not work for us', 'our schedule makes it impossible'”.
"And the like."- bkwormtricia
"NTA."
"It's not really about the charger or the drink or the Mexican food request individually, I think it's everything."
"It's that every single one of them required you to give something up so she wouldn't have to plan ahead."
"That's the actual pattern worth naming."- Gloomy_Shine739
"NTA, just say that you can’t host as life is too busy."
"If she presses, say it again ‘sorry, I can’t host. Life is very hectic'."- carlosmurphynachos
"NTA."
"Just lose her number super fast or block it."
"That's like having your annoying 12-year-old sister visit you at Uni without any of the cute sibling vibes."
"Yuck!"- PinkSquiffel
"NTA."
"Some people might be fine with the permeable personal boundaries, but if that's not your thing (it damn sure isn't mine either) then you don't have to put up with that."
"You're not obligated to share your space with anyone, even if you're friends and you love each other."
"Sharing your space is so intimate, and everyone isn't compatible with the flow of your home."
"Nothing wrong in acknowledging incompatibility and figuring out an alternative solution!"
"Also side note, as a Latina, I cringed so hard at her being disappointed in not eating Mexican food at your home."
"Especially after you very bluntly outlined expectations."
"Like, I know some people will say it's flattery and cultural appreciation, but that makes me so uncomfortable."
"Like did you stay with me for my culture or because we're friends and you wanted to see me?"
"Idk if that's just a me thing, I grew up around a lot of micro-aggressions and weird crap in the South so maybe I'm being defensive."
"But that gave me the ick."- Magpiethemystical
We all want to leave our door open for friends who may need some extra love and support.
That being said, when people are kind enough to open their home to us, we should also be respectful of the fact that this is not our home, and we are their guests.
Not to mention that if we choose to stay with a friend instead of finding a hotel, it should be to visit them as much, or more, than to find somewhere to stay.
Regardless of all of this, who on earth considers sharing cutlery normal?
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.