Dating seems to have gotten so serious.
Everybody misses out on a lot of the fun.
But what happens when one person starts to get a little more serious than the other?
Communication is a must.
Case in point…
Redditor ChickadeeKnight wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not giving back an expensive gift I was given?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I met this guy about three months ago. We’ll call him ‘Bob.'”
“Bob and I met on a dating app and hooked up.”
“I made it clear from the start I was just looking for hookups and nothing serious.”
“We had a good time, and I said I would like to keep hanging out as friends or F[riends] W[ith] B[enefits].”
“He said he was ok with this.”
“For the next few weeks, he showered me in gifts constantly and also admitted that he was into me.”
“None of this is stuff I asked for, and I made it clear I still wasn’t into him and was not gonna reciprocate.”
“Part of the gifts was a pair of really nice expensive earrings. These are one of my favorite pairs of earrings now.”
“Bob started acting a bit obsessed and was demanding I text him every day and return to him the amount of affection he was giving me.”
“Something I’d made clear I didn’t want.”
“It is at this point I decided to break ties with him.”
“I said that he clearly wanted more from me than I wanted to give him, and that I wasn’t gonna change my mind on that no matter what he said.”
“Later, we ran into each other at a play I was attending, and this is when he asked for the earrings back.”
“He told me he’d spent a lot of money on them and wanted them back to give them to someone who would actually return the favor.”
“I said no, that I liked them, and that he gave them to me.”
“He should not have to ask for them back just cause he didn’t get what he wanted out of our relationship.”
“He got extremely angry and said I led him on, that he did so much for me, and that I never even gave him the time of day.”
“He said I used him for his affections and his gifts and that I was a horrible person for doing this.”
“At first, I was pretty certain I’m in the right, but after his blow up, I started questioning a bit more.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You told him from the beginning you weren’t looking for anything serious.”
“He gifted you the earrings.”
“They are yours to do with as you wish. NTA.” ~ mdthomas
“He tried to lovebomb OP into having a relationship when she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested.”
“NTA, and he needs to learn how to listen.” ~ AllegraO
“I didn’t love bomb the last guy I dated, but I did get him a very small gift (like ten bucks, more of a gesture) for his birthday.”
“Shortly after, we talked about how he wasn’t looking for something serious, and I was.”
“It never even occurred to me to ask for the gift back, and even if it had been $100 worth of a gift still wouldn’t have occurred to me.”
“People who take back gifts cause they don’t get what they want or give them with strings attached are always AHs in my book.” ~ tinydancer_inurhand
“I also think NTA for all the above reasons with the caveat of – when he first started giving gifts and then let you know he wanted more than OP wanted to give, THAT would have been the time to cut it off.”
“Not keep letting him give gifts when they already knew his feelings were bigger.”
“He showed from the beginning that he was not able to be just FWB when he STARTED giving gifts.”
“These things can be hard to navigate, so I’m not trying to dump on OP.”
“OP did well to keep letting him know they weren’t going to reciprocate, so cool.”
“Just a note if this type of thing happens again – cut it off right away because you both are not on the same page.” ~ redjessa
“I agree. The biggest AH is this misogynist who thinks he can lovebomb women into submission.”
“However, OP should have ended it when he gave her the first gift.”
“She knew that was inappropriate for the type of relationship she wanted, yet kept accepting the gifts anyway.” ~ Evolutioncocktail
“He made it very clear that he was trying to use gifts and love bombing to manipulate her into changing her mind.”
“She was honest from the start. He was not.”
“If he wasn’t okay with a casual relationship, then he had plenty of opportunities to back out and say he wanted more, so he wouldn’t be able to continue.”
“OP, enjoy those earrings and know that you are 100% NTA.”
“If a gift has strings attached, then it’s not a gift. He should learn that.” ~ mkat23
“Ultimately, NTA. They were a gift given freely; therefore, you get to keep them.”
“However, it does seem like once he started giving gifts, you had to have known that he was not aligned with your wants.”
“I’m genuinely curious as to why you’d accept a bunch of gifts from someone who repeatedly told you they liked you more than what you were willing to offer.”
“Edit to add: I think my question is getting lost in the sauce.”
“OP says in her post, ‘For the next few weeks he showered me in gifts, constantly, and also admitted that he was into me.'”
“This is why I was asking why she let this go on for weeks when it sounds like the boundary stomped right away.”
“I’m in no way ‘victim blaming,’ OP was clear with her boundary, he continued.”
“I was simply asking why after even the first time, he stated that he wasn’t in the same place that this carried on.”
“As I said before, a gift is something people should be giving freely without expectation, but the dude made his expectations known.”
“OP didn’t need to read his mind, he told her.”
“It does seem like her accepting the gifts meant more to Bob than it did to her, and OP seemingly knew this.”
“When someone is giving you a gift and telling you how much they like you, you know that gift has strings attached.”
“Again, I stand firm in that OP is NTA. She was clear, and the earrings were a gift.”
“But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I can see how Bob may have gotten himself confused.” ~ coastalkid92
OP came back to add…
“So, just as a clarification, I thought I’d explain a few things people are curious about.”
“So, the first wave of gifts were given to me on my birthday, which I did not refuse, yes.”
“This included the earrings and some other jewelry. “
“Afterwards, the gifts mostly consisted of him buying me expensive nights out, tickets to a show, and the game ‘Hades,’ which I had been wanting for a while.”
“Though I did not refuse the first wave of gifts, I did try refusing several of the other gifts, saying that it was too much for me and that I couldn’t return the favor.”
“He insisted, though.”
“And I did end up caving and accepting most of it.”
“Except for the concert tickets, which I was too busy to attend.”
“If there’s more information y’all think I should give, let me know.”
Reddit continued…
“I pretty much feel this way as well.”
“NTA for not returning what was very clearly a gift.”
“The best way to discourage people from giving you gifts isn’t to accept them.”
“Continually accepting them paints the picture it’s having some effect.”
“Pretty easy to say. Please stop giving me romantic gifts.” ~ Aliteracy
“Basically, his approach was, ‘I’ll impress her so much with gifts there’s no way she won’t fall for me.'”
“It’s a red flag when these over-the-top displays start coming your way while supposedly not expecting anything back.”
“Honestly, if I were OP, I’d just give the gifts back and cut ties for good just to make sure he has no excuse to pester me anymore.”
“But yeah, NTA.” ~ asakadeva
“NTA technically, but I don’t know OP.”
“I agree they’re yours now, and you have no obligation to give them back.”
“But a pair of earrings is an easy price to pay to make some creep leave me alone, in my opinion.” ~ wildclefairy
“NTA. You were very clear from the outset, but he chose to disregard what you said.”
“It looks like he was trying to buy your affection which rarely works (or lasts).”
“A gift is a gift and should not be expected to be returned if it doesn’t work out.”
“However, if you want nothing to do with him, he’s persistent about getting them back and won’t leave you alone.”
“It may be better to send them back just to get him out of your life.” ~ MapleLeaf5410
OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
As long as you were honest and clear, then you are in the clear.
You’re “friend” may need some therapy and help with moving on, though.
Good luck with your dating future.