As nice as it can be to go out and meet someone new, the dating scene can be wild sometimes.
Because until you get to know someone, you don’t really know what else they have going on in their life, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit; and even once you know them, you might not really know what’s going on even then.
Redditor Altruistic_Risk_4402 was enjoying his summer, having a little summer fling, going home to visit family, and attending an old friend’s wedding.
But when he discovered how his friend, the bride, knew his summer fling, the Original Poster (OP) was absolutely appalled.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my friend that I’ve accidentally been sleeping with her fiancé?”
The OP was invited to an old friend’s wedding festivities.
“This is a burner account, obviously, because what the h**l is my life right now? And oooo, boy, that’s a h**luva question, I’m aware. I don’t really know how to start this, so I’ll just get into it.”
“I’ll preface this by saying that I’m (22 Male) very, very gay. I was in high school when I met my friend, Sienna (23 Female), and she was the cool older kid the year above me.”
“After high school, I went to an out-of-state college while Sienna went to the local university. We kind of lost touch other than the obligatory ‘Happy Birthday!’ and ‘Merry Christmas!’ texts, so you can imagine my surprise when I got a text from my mom a few months ago, saying that a wedding invitation from Sienna had been delivered to my parents’ house for me.”
“Sure enough, a quick text to the lucky lady confirmed that she was getting married! Her longtime partner, Marcus (25 Male), had finally proposed.”
“It would be a summer wedding right in my hometown, right when I (and some of our other friends) would be back in town from university, so it timed out perfectly.”
But nothing could have prepared the OP for what happened next.
“I was invited to one of the pre-wedding ‘girl’s nights,’ because my life is that of a two-dimensional comic relief gay side character, I guess, and we got wasted. Like, the kind of drunk where logic isn’t even in the same dimension.”
“So while the #GirlSquad was hanging out at the club, the topic of who everyone was dating and chilling with came up, and like the genius I am, I whipped out my phone to show them the hot guy I’ve been hooking up with as just a dumb summer fling.”
“…And it turned out to be a photo of Marcus.”
“(Kill me now to save me from the mortification.)”
The bride did not take the big reveal well.
“Rightfully so, Sienna lost her s**t. Fair. No criticism from me.”
“But then she turned on ME and started blaming ME for ‘ruining her wedding.'”
“I don’t personally think I was at fault, because I met him on Grindr, and he introduced himself with a fake name and as single, no strings attached. He seemed totally awesome, and I genuinely thought it was a simple summer fling.”
“But here is where I think I messed up: I very loudly, and to the entire club, drunkenly said, ‘It’s not my fault your cheating fiancé likes getting his back blown out, Sienna!'”
The OP was still reeling.
“I feel absolutely awful. I don’t want to be the other woman (technically guy, but you get it), and I certainly don’t want to hurt a friend like that.”
“I’ve tried apologizing a thousand times, but she’s not interested in talking to me, which I totally get.”
“When confronted, Marcus confessed to not only hooking up with me but also eight different guys over the course of their four-year relationship.”
“The wedding’s been called off.”
“(FOR CLARIFICATION, because I’m sure this will come up in the comments, no, the wedding invitation did not have any photos on it. It was one of those minimalist designs with over-the-top calligraphy, and that’s it. Her socials only feature her. I had no way of knowing what he looked like.)”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was NTA for the overall situation but a little YTA for the angry comment.
“NTA for sleeping with someone you didn’t know it was your friend’s fiancé. A tiny wee bit YTA for how you managed it.”
“Although, Sienna was being 200% unfair blaming you for ruining her wedding, which is the sole responsibility of his cheating fiancé. It would be difficult for anyone to keep calm if someone was accusing you absurdly of that.” – CrowLeft9510
“NTA, but you could’ve left the part about how he likes to get his back blown out, lol (laughing out loud); that was a drunken mistake but BRUTAL.” – nigel_wouldberry
“Soft YTA for what you said about her fiancé, but you’re not TA for anything else.” – laughinglovidlivid
“NTA, but what you said at the club was just adding another jab to where Sienna was already stabbed by finding out this information.”
“If you haven’t already, block Marcus on EVERYTHING. Do not say anything else to him; just block him. I’m hoping you already did this, though.”
“Sienna is hurting right now and isn’t going to want to face you or anything directly related to Marcus for a while, or maybe permanently. Make it known that when/if she is ever ready to talk, you will be there. She won’t want to now, but she may in the future.”
“For now, this is something you need to separate yourself from.” – Lopsided-Vanilla-338
“YTA because of your comment. It was wrong of her to lash out at you for something that was awful but accidental, but she did just literally have her entire future collapse in front of her, all over a whipped out photograph. That’s going to have anyone shaken.”
“But what you said was just so thoroughly f**ked up in the moment that it takes the cake in my opinion. Coming from a fellow gay man, if I were her, I’d probably never want to see you again.” – baroquebinch
Others reassured the OP that he did Sienna a huge favor and that she’d heal with time.
“NTA. She doesn’t realize it right now, but you saved her.”
“She’ll probably never forgive you, simply because you were the (unfortunate) messenger. I hope you get tested (and her too), since Marcus has been really, really bad partner to everyone involved.” – CallicoHippo
“Yikes. You helped her dodge a bullet, for sure. She’s just upset now, but I hope that someday she realizes it was all for the best.”
“NTA.” – joeyb82
“NTA, at the end of the day you have done her a huge favor. She could have married this guy who would have gone on to cheat on her with multiple men, and maybe women, in the future. Better she found out before the wedding.” – Thistle_Do_54321
“NTA. Your comment is not even important here. You saved her and she should be relieved this happened before the wedding. It just might take her a while to realize it.” – DJJINO
“Considering that Marcus was sleeping with several different men, the OP saved Sienna a lot of drama and heartbreak later. He’s NTA, this wasn’t at all malicious, and if anything in a year or two, she will probably thank him for saving her from this happening a couple of kids in instead.” – pamperwithrachel
“I’m sure she’s emotionally wrecked, doesn’t know what to do, how to feel, how to act, and so she’s lashing out where she can; namely, the friend who completely, totally, unknowingly wrecked the girl’s world. That kind of s**t takes time to work through.”
“OP needs to let go of the guilt since this is entirely not his fault. It’s OK to feel awful about the whole thing, people definitely should feel awful for this woman, but the only fault going on around here belongs to the fiancé.”
“But, OP is the visual image of the moment everything went south, and that is just hard. ‘Time is the great healer’ was meant about situations like these.” – rikaragnarok
Some also gave the OP advice on how to mend the friendship sooner rather than later.
“NTA. And in the end, you saved her from an expensive wedding and divorce, as well as being hurt a lot more down the way.”
“But yes, she was embarrassed and is angry, and so you are one of the targets, even though you didn’t do anything wrong on purpose.”
“If you want to have a possible future for this friendship: Write her an apology letter. Tell her that you know that your comment was wrong and that you are sorry. Tell her you understand that she needs time and space from you, and that you are not holding that against her, and if she wants to reconnect, you will be there.” – Trevena_Ice
“I’d say NAH (except for Marcus, who is the real AH here) depending on whether or not she continues to hold it against the OP.”
“I’d be understanding if she came back later apologizing for lashing out, because her initial reaction made lots of sense based on emotions, but if she stands her ground on this, she’s absolutely the AH, leaving the OP as NTA.”
“I can’t imagine being a day or two away from my wedding day only for an old friend to happily show off a photo of the guy he’s into, only for that to turn out to be my future husband. I’d certainly be lashing out for stealing my man away, even though in reality, my friend was being cheated on, too.”
“Hopefully with time, she’ll realize how she treated the OP unfairly, and they can move on from this.” – Aggleclack
“NAH, EXCEPT for Marcus, obviously. I mean, d**n… eight other guys?! That poor girl. I hope she didn’t catch anything. Same with the OP.”
“I’m sure she’s shocked. It’s pretty normal to be mad at everyone involved, even if they’re not at fault.” – Turbulent_Ebb5669
“NTA, but I would give her some grace. Put yourself in her shoes: she was celebrating her engagement with friends, only to find out, in front of all her friends and a club full of probably nosey strangers, that you had been sleeping with her fiancé.”
“I know you didn’t know who he was, but that doesn’t take away from her shock, pain, and embarrassment.” – Efficient_Poetry_187
“I feel like that comment could use an apology. It was needlessly cruel in that moment. Sienna is currently having her envisioned future fall apart in front of her. She needs supportive friends to get through it.”
“An apology could hopefully help mend that relationship. The rest of that situation is 100% on the cheater. Hopefully, Sienna will come around and realize who is really to blame.” – gallowstorm
The subReddit was shocked by this story and hoped that the OP and Sienna would both heal in time. Even though this was devastating, it was better for Sienna to find out in front of the people at the club than the attendees at her wedding.