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Gay Man Balks When His Dying Grandma Refuses To See Him Unless He Dresses Like A ‘Man’

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Sometimes, even when a person’s immediate family accepts their non-normative sexual orientation or identity, there is still the extended family to worry about.

That was the case outlined in a recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.

The Original Poster (OP), who has since deleted his account, identified the family members in question right in the title. 

“AITA for not wanting to change clothes for my grandparents”

OP kicked off with some good old fashioned pride. 

“since I was a kid, I have always been gay. I never hid it, I never cared about people and their opinions.”

“All I knew is I have to be who I am and there is nothing to change it.”

For OP, that has taken a clear form of expression.

“Being very ‘feminine’ I have pretty much always done make up, I don’t wear flats and I very rarely dress like a guy…”

“and even when I do I always have very clear evidence of being….very gay.(nails, my voice etc)”

But not everyone has been a fan. 

“That being said my grand parents hate it…”

“…as a child they always wanted to force me to go to church the times I stayed with them, they act sweet, and then one moment later they tell me about repenting and saying I’m going to hell in a very sweet way.”

And recently, that took on a whole new importance.

“My parents have always told me ignore them but I’m too old for this, and I’m not going to just take comments and just annoying me with religion.”

“That being said, my parents want me to go visit them as my grandma isn’t feeling well. but my grandma doesn’t want to see me unless ‘I’m a man” and I just said…no.”

For OP, it wasn’t so simple. 

“I understand she is dying but they have never accepted me and for starters I don’t have guy clothes, like at all, I have nails and I’m not taking them off.”

“Maybe I’m making it a big deal and that maybe it’s just clothes but idk”

Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH – No A**holes Here

Nearly every response declared OP the very opposite of the a**hole in this situation. 

“NTA – You don’t get to choose the parts of people that are convenient to your world view. You’re a whole package and if she wants to see you she can see all of you honestly, not some facade you’d be putting on.” — Serevas

“This might be unpopular but sometimes people can just die mad about it.”

“See your grandma and grandpa as you, if you truly want to see them. If they only want to see a fantasy of you then you can let them create it in their own imagination. NTA” — Ihavelostmytowel

“I love that you have always been true to yourself and I don’t see why you have to change now, for someone who never accepted you the way you are. It’s hurtful, disrespectful and asking too much from you.”

“All you wanted from her was to be loved and accepted and she refused to do that. I can’t tell you what to do and whether or not you’ll have regrets but I will say this: Always be yourself and don’t ever change for anyone.” — LoveBeach8

“ ‘but my grandma doesn’t want to see me unless ‘I’m a man’ “

“First of all, you are a man. Secondly, your grandma doesn’t want to see you. She wants to see a man who doesn’t exist. If she would rather die without ever seeing her grandson again, then that is the choice she is making.”

“The grandson she would rather see instead of you simply doesn’t exist. She can either see her actual grandson… or not. It’s up to her. It’s not up to you. NTA” — Miss_Adventurer

Others offered slightly different perspectives, though still maintained that OP was in the right. 

“NTA. Do you even want to see them?”

“It doesn’t seem like you had a good relationship with your grandparents and since they told you they don’t want to see them if your are yourself then.. i guess all you can do is do that.”

“They don’t want to see their grandchild, who are you to deny their wishes? And if anyone is pissed about that just tell them that you just did what they wanted you to do.”

“I hope your grandparents are the only ones in your life that are like this.” — neverpaidforskype

“NTA but your grandparents and parents sure are. My parents are racist, sexist, homophobes and I keep them away from my children so that my kids wouldn’t be subjected to bigots.”

I didn’t want my children to get attached to people that would pull their love away if my children weren’t who my parents thought they should be or love who they should love. I’m protecting them from that hatred. I’m sorry your parents didn’t do the same.”

“You be your fabulous self and ignore your parents and don’t go see your bigoted grandparents. Life is so much better without bigots in it.” — Hufflepuffknitter80

“NTA. I’m 8months prego with a little boy and while the nursery is decked out in dinos etc. that’s a me preference. If my little boy decides he likes sparkles and dresses then he’s gonna get them (modified tho bc I don’t even like it when parents put their little girls in dresses with no shorts on).”

“You are a man. You’re grandma just refuses to see you as such and that’s on her. You could shoot back that grandma isn’t acting very lady like and is being rude and improper, by judging on looks.” — ycey

“NTA. You have been subjected to mental abuse and harassment by your grandparents. My mother has mentally and physically abused me for being born gay. I’ve told her that when she dies not one thing in my life will change as I never go around her and ignore her phone calls and post cards with bible verses from Leviticus.”

“If someone can’t love you for who you are, they do not deserve your love or consideration either.” — vanamoynen

Looks like OP’s grandmother will have to either accept the way he dresses one final time or pass on without seeing him again. 

Written by Eric Spring

Eric Spring lives in New York City. He has poor vision and cooks a good egg. Most of his money is spent on live music and produce. He usually wears plain, solid color sweatshirts without hoods because he assumes loud patterns make people expect something big. Typically, he'll bypass a handshake and go straight for the hug.