Victims of homophobia can find it difficult to overcome.
Even if it was in the past.
Even if the bully is now a better person, the scars stay.
Yes, people mature, grow, and change…
But not everyone wants to have to forgive their tormentors.
Redditor Flaky-Number-3617 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not inviting my best friend’s boyfriend to a ‘6-year clear of cancer’ meal?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 19 M[ale] suffered from cancer while I was only 12.”
“I had a lot of people there for me, but the one who was there for me the most was my best friend, 19 F[emale].”
“She was by my side the whole time.”
“Whenever I had to go to the hospital for chemotherapy treatment, she was always there messaging me, making sure I was okay.”
“When I arrived back at school, I joined a drama club, which was after school and lasted about an hour and a half.”
“There was one guy in this club that I didn’t get along with at all.”
“I’m gay and have known for a while. after a month of being back at school, I told my closest friends, and they were all supportive, but as with everything in high school, word got around to other students and to be honest, I didn’t mind all too much.”
“But this guy in the club found out and was extremely homophobic towards me, telling me I should leave the school because no one would want to talk to me anymore and started bringing up hurtful stuff about my cancer I had not long beat.”
He said ‘It should have taken your life’ and ‘It’s a shame you beat it.'”
“Fast forwarding to now, we are celebrating 6 years of me being clear of it.”
“We have a meal every year to celebrate.”
“It usually consists of me, my family, my B[oy]F[riend] 22 M who I’ve been with for almost 2 years, and my closest friends.”
“My best friend started dating this guy 5 months ago, and I found out a few weeks into their relationship that it was the same guy who had said all that hurtful stuff to me 6 years ago.”
“I spoke to her about it and agreed to give him another chance as she seemed genuinely happy with him and had insisted he had changed.”
“He and I still don’t get along, but I don’t interfere with their relationship as she is the happiest she has been for a while.”
“She then asked a few days ago if he could come to the meal that I was holding for my 6 years clear.”
“I was pretty hesitant and told her that as much as I’m happy for her being with someone she likes, he was awful to me in high school and I can’t forgive him for what he was like.”
“I also told her that he still doesn’t like me, as he made that obvious about a month ago when he said something to another close friend of mine about me and my boyfriend.”
“She is now calling me childish and saying I should just forget about it.”
“She also said if he doesn’t come, she isn’t going to either.”
“I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know whether to forget everything and let him join in the meal or deny her request for him to join and deal with the consequences of her not joining either.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA for not forgetting what he had done and denying my friend’s request of him joining?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Something you will learn in life, especially being gay, is that you have to hold a boundary with people who are abusive.”
“Let’s examine what has happened here.”
“This guy was cruel, bullying, and abusive to you through his homophobia.”
“He may not be as outwardly cruel to you but still holds those views and talks about you behind your back.”
“Knowing all of this, your best friend is still dating this person.”
“Your friend is probably simply too young to recognize the nuance, while you were forced to grow up quickly due to circumstance.”
“She cannot see that not holding her boyfriend accountable is tacit approval for how he treats you.”
“So reinforce that while you love her and want her to make decisions that are right for her, you have to do the same for yourself.”
“This guy was and continues to be horrible to you, and holds hateful views about you so he is not welcome at your celebration.”
“Tell her that it hurts that this behavior is not a dealbreaker for her, but you are choosing to prioritize her happiness.”
“If you really want to drive the point home, ask her this…”
“‘If you and this guy get married and have kids, and one of those kids comes out as gay, do you really think your child would be safe or even allowed to be in your house?'” ~ victrin
“NTA. Your best friend’s boyfriend told you to go die… and this best friend of yours can’t wrap her head around the fact that you don’t want him there for a HAPPY, celebratory day.”
“You know, sometimes as friends, we outgrow each other.” ~ cactiisnice
“This is a great response!!”
“You are NTA, even if setting boundaries feels hard and like you are!”
“You also need to be prepared for her decision and understand that isn’t something you can control.”
“We are not responsible for other’s reactions to our boundaries, that does not free us from dealing with the backlash though.” ~ Silas_Lyakois
“THIS. FOR. REAL. NTA.”
“As a fellow gay boy I am so F**KING DONE with female friends who are only allies when it’s convenient–and then eagerly hurl you under the bus the second there is a chance of male attention/approval/what the f**k ever.”
“Being a pick-me isn’t really about not liking what other girls like (or gays, or whatever your demographic is).”
“Being a pick-me is when you are willing to throw your own people under the bus for male/masculine affirmation.”
“Your friend is a pick me of the highest order, and you, my dear, are not the a**hole.” ~ Ok_Drawer_3475
“Agreed!! As a straight white woman who considers herself an ally, I’d be turned the f**k off by dating someone with these views, even if it was in the past.”
“People that accept/make excuses for this type of behavior are obviously harboring at least some Of these feelings.”
“And/or absolutely desperate for male validation.” ~ NewZookeepergame9808
“OP, you are NTA.”
“You are standing up for yourself and who you are, while your friend is giving open approval of her S[ignificant] O[ther]’s attitude and bigotry.”
“It doesn’t matter that it happened in the past, what matters is that you have evidence that he still feels that way and is still bigoted and homophobic.”
“It doesn’t even matter that it’s homophobia, really.”
“What matters is that he has been cruel and very disrespectful and hurtful to you and continues to be so, even now.”
“It would be the same thing if you were straight. He was gay and had bashed you for being straight.”
“The fact is that he is unable to treat you as if you are a person, but as a member of a group that he hates, without rational reason.”
“We need to shut this type of behavior down, regardless of whether we are male, female, Martian, or Earthling; unreasoning hatred is unacceptable.” ~ LonelyOwl68
“For real!! OP from one gay person to another, I’d go so far as to say, keep a close eye on your friend’s behavior if you want to continue the friendship.”
“The programming straight women receive to stand by their man is waaay too strong and wins out all the time when it shouldn’t,.”
“She may choose him over you when it’s gonna really hurt if she stays with him.” ~ rememberimapersontoo
“NTA. Personally, I would not even see that person as a friend.”
“He said horrible things to you back then, continues to say sh*tty things about you, and your ‘friend’ has the audacity to ask if he can join?!”
“Something he was sad to see happen, namely, you beating cancer?!”
“I hope you hear me when I say this: that is not your friend.”
“You deserve better.”
“You are not being childish.”
“Keep your boundary firm.” ~ Background_Eye_148
“NTA. This celebration is so personal for you, and it makes complete sense that you wouldn’t want someone who was cruel to you during a vulnerable time to be there, especially since he’s shown he hasn’t changed much.”
“This event is about your recovery and the people who truly supported you, not a chance to make nice with someone who actively hurt you.” ~ lilythefirefly
“NTA. Your friend sounds dense.”
“Of course, you wouldn’t want that guy there. Why would she even date him?”
“I could see if he changed in those 6 years since he said those things, but he didn’t.”
“Not sure what kind of friend she is. Wow.” ~ Own-Whereas-7420
“NTA. Your dinner party is for surviving cancer, and the bully wished you’d died from it.”
“That alone would be enough reason not to invite him, in my opinion.”
“However, it sounds like the bf might be isolating your friend because of the way she phrased it: ‘If he can’t come, I won’t either,’ is that coming from her, or won’t he allow her to come if he’s not present?”
“Might be something to consider!”
“Anyway, congratulations on your remission, and go celebrate with the people who love and support you!”
“No time for people who don’t appreciate you for the amazing person you are.” ~ JuggernautWilling851
“NTA. One thing I’ve learned is that while people can change, the ones who are especially cruel rarely do.”
“The fact that this guy was so hateful and cruel to you at a time he knew was especially difficult for you and decided it’s okay to talk s**t about you and your boyfriend instead of being anything but apologetic tells me he’s probably the same person he was.”
“I’d say I feel bad for your friend too, as she may not recognize him as being a cruel person, but given that she called you childish for not wanting to be around him, it tells me that she’s just turning a blind eye to how he treats others, which is shi**y, but even worse when that cruelty is directed at her friend.” ~ Ok_Signature3413
“NTA – To be honest, your friend has a very selfish and immature take on the whole reason for the event.”
“This is not a dinner about gathering friends and all of their loved ones.”
“It’s about you still being alive after having cancer.”
“It’s not another date for your friend and their boyfriend.”
“Just because someone changed, it doesn’t mean that you need to have them be part of your life.”
“It’s an unfortunate consequence for their behaviors when they were a different person, but it’s still a consequence.”
“Lastly, your friend has been with this guy for only 5 months.”
“In the scheme of life-altering illnesses, that’s nothing.”
“But also, people change and grow apart, so you may need to accept that this is happening.” ~ indred72
“NTA. One of the hard and cruel lessons of life is that sometimes your very best friends are going to date objectively horrible men and they will pick these men even if it hurts you or themselves.”
“The hormones of attraction and desire for romantic connection drive some people into very destructive bad choices.”
“Choosing whether you want to keep these people in your life and how and whether you forgive them is a choice you’ll make many times in your life.”
“I’m sorry it had to come up for this particular occasion.” ~ Alert_Week8595
“Look even if you hadn’t this whole story with him, IT’S ANNOYING WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO BRING PLUS ONE FOR OCCASION THAT THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO!!”
“Girl’s night, dinners, vacation… Girl, are you Siamese twins with this guy now?”
“Like, if they want to stay glued, just stay home.”
“Not everything has to be about the new person.”
“Get a life – NTA.” ~ Accomplished_Mud1658
“NTA, but your best friend isn’t your friend anymore.”
She’s dating your bully.” ~ ChiquitaBananaKush
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your friend is showing some shocking behavior.
How can she bring this man around you?
You need to put your mental and physical health first. Stand your ground.
Congrats on your great health!