While some people know they are destined to be parents someday and need very little convincing to follow that path, others require a bit more convincing or preparation.
For them, some of the concerns they might have could be deal breakers to ever become parents, and maybe that’s okay, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Familiar_Speaker_481 had always known that he would be a father and that he wanted to have children. Every time he’d gotten to connect with a child through a family member or friend, it just confirmed how he felt about fatherhood.
But knowing that his girlfriend struggled so much with germs, the Original Poster (OP) worried that she would never reach the point of being able to balance messiness and motherhood, and what that would mean for their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my girlfriend she’s going to have to get over dirt if she wants kids?”
The OP’s girlfriend was incredibly tidy and particular.
“My (25 Female) girlfriend, Amy (27 Female), is a wonderful person. She’s very smart, and she works in a clean room with computer chips and stuff.”
“But she’s also something of a germaphobe. To the point that she keeps her toothbrush in the hallway outside the bathroom in a zip-lock bag.”
“Her apartment is always spotless, she showers twice to three times a day, and even her car somehow never has any dirt on the floor. She hand-washes all of her clothes as soon as she’s done wearing them. It’s both impressive and intimidating.”
The OP was concerned his girlfriend wouldn’t be able to bring motherhood and messiness together.
“I’m not the messiest person on the planet by any means. I don’t have massive piles of unwashed dishes or a leaning tower of used pizza boxes or anything, but I’m not as clean as she is.”
“I’m not against making some adjustments, but we’ve been talking more about the future now that we’re getting serious, and I’ve come across a problem.”
“Amy wants kids. Desperately wants kids. I’d like kids, too. But she’s never been around babies or little kids before in her life and seems to think she’ll be able to keep the house just as clean as it is now and keep the baby spotless, too.”
The OP was very into the idea of having a family someday.
“I’m the oldest of four, and the oldest cousin of nine. I grew up around kids, and I’ve been babysitting since I was ten. There’s no such thing as a clean toddler, not for longer than ten minutes at the very most.”
“She thinks that if we just work at it, we will have a spotless house and a spotless kid.”
“I told her (gently) that that’s just not possible, and asked how she plans on handling diapers, vomit, frogs smuggled into the house, jam going everywhere, soup bowls tipped over for fun, spilled grape juice, nail polish on the walls, and the like.”
“She insisted that the kids who do that are just ‘poorly trained’ and don’t have good boundaries.”
“I told her that they’re kids without fine motor control or impulse regulation, and accidents will always happen. And if she wants to have kids, she’s going to have to accept that they’re going to get messy and our house will get messy.”
The OP’s girlfriend did not want to hear that.
“Amy accused me of not being supportive and trying to find excuses not to have kids with her, and trying to guilt her into being sloppier. This is dissolving into an actual fight instead of a discussion, and I’m starting to second-guess myself.”
“Maybe my family was just excessively messy because we were rural and poor, maybe my standards are too low, and we really haven’t tried hard enough.”
“It’s very frustrating, and I want some outside perspective. Parental perspective, especially.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that there was no way to avoid all messes as a parent.
“NTA. Just when you think you’ve cleaned up all the poop and mess, you find a casual pile of vom behind a pillow.” – abibofsweat
“I can say from experience that two people who do not love kid logic are the teen and adult version of that kid who has to rehear the story being told to peers and later in-laws over and over again.” – productzilch
“Reminds me when I did a load of washing of my kids’ clothes, it smelt really bad as it was in the dryer, washed it again, got it out of the washing machine a second time, and noticed there was a solid poop just in the machine with the clothes.” – CcryMeaRiverr
“I have a friend a bit like this. She’s not angry because of the mess, she’s just constantly cleaning or doing something else useful. The problem I have with this, is that she’s never really there for her family.”
“Her kids are playing and she’s there cleaning. Her husband is doing something, and she’s there cleaning. She’s never really spending time with her family. She’s there, but she doesn’t participate.”
“She’s complaining she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, and maybe that’s because she never stops to spend time with him. Whatever time there is not needed for chores, she spends it coaching a sport, driving the kids to their hobbies, and training her dog.”
“She just never stops moving. Sometimes it feels like she’s running away from herself. That she can’t stop because then she might actually have time to.. I don’t know, be with herself, be with her thoughts, and she can’t handle that.” – Patient_Chemist_1312
“My MIL was, and still is, insanely neat and tidy. I wouldn’t say OCD because I know it’s more than making sure every surface is spotless. She was the woman with plastic on the couches, rooms you couldn’t sit in, shoes off, whole deal.”
“Her house is immaculate because she absolutely must clean at every chance. The moment you let something linger on a countertop, she’s asking whose it is and where she should store it. If we’re having a party, she’s cleaning through the whole thing, not relaxing and being present. I’ve definitely picked up a few tips from her as I’m a bit more relaxed in my cleaning regimen.”
“Her daughter’s innocence and messy joys were totally dampened as a kid, and she definitely inherited her cleanliness. However, she has two small boys who tear up the house all day. When we’re over, she’s constantly picking up and wiping counters, vacuuming around the company.”
“She had a party for her three-year-old, and she was fuming mad at people leaving plates and cups on the tables. She snapped at her husband to keep taking out the trash. We tell her that we’ll help, and she stomps around not wanting it. Her three-year-old has endless meltdowns over cleaning because we’re doing it every 15 minutes!”
“I finally told her if she wants two boys in a bright beige minimal house with cream/white couches, you have to be okay with dirt. She’s not going to change, so I leave my nephew’s cleaning tantrums to her.” – HootieTootieDisc-QT
Others agreed and said that Amy needed a reality check before trying to be a mother.
“Dad of two here, you’re NTA, and you’re right.”
“Messes are inevitable with kids. You can’t “work at” getting a newborn to not spit up, or not pee during a diaper change. Potty training exists, of course, but you’re gonna be dealing with so many accidents. So many late-night sheet changes.”
“You’ll find food on your kids in the weirdest, most random places.”
“She needs to lower her expectations or she’s going to be horribly disappointed.” – DustyBoarTusk
“My cousin married a woman like this. Their two kids basically weren’t allowed to play outside because she was too anxious about them potentially getting grass stains on their clothes. For f**k’s sake, then don’t dress your three-year-old like they’re going to meet the pope!” – InannasPocket
“I knew someone who would dress their girl child very girly with shoes on, leading to the child watching other children run around playing. One day, the urge was too great, and she went to join in their running around, but didn’t know how to handle it in her shoes.”
“So the inevitable slip and fall happened with a scraped leg. Child howled and cried and mom was giving the eyeball to the other kids and trying to figure out which kid to blame for this. The kids were bewildered by her daughter’s reaction. In their world, you slip, fall, and get back up.” – Acceptable_Tea3608
“I was picking my kid up from daycare one day, and another mom was waiting at the door with me. Her kid comes out first, and first thing this mom does is scold her on her clothing.”
“Her child went from smiling to obviously upset and stressed out. Then the mom demanded a hug and the kid didn’t want to hug her (gee I wonder why), which made the mom even more mad.”
“It was really sad to see. As they were walking out together, the mom was saying how they needed to get home immediately so they could change her clothes.”
“If my kid comes home dirty from daycare, it means she had a good day.” – NoCaterpillar1249
“I used to work in childcare. Loved it. There was a little girl, aged about five or six who was in foster care. Honestly, her foster parents weren’t great. I wanted to smack them with a rolled-up newspaper more than once, but that’s a story for another day.”
“One day, this little girl accidentally knocked over her glass of milk. There was only about 3oz in the cup. It really wasn’t a big deal. She immediately began saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ over and over again while trying not to cry. I told her it was just an accident and got her some paper towels and asked her to help me wipe it up.”
“After we were done, I asked if she wanted more milk. I swear to you, that baby asked me if she was in trouble, again while trying not to cry. When I told her, of course not, and she flung her body into my arms and sobbed.”
“She asked me if she could come home with me and be MY little girl. I kid you not, I thought about it long and hard. But I was only 19 and making minimum wage in the mid-90’s. There was no way I was going to get custody of her.”
“But lord, I wanted to. Heaven knows what she had been, though. I hope she’s doing well now. I think about her often.” – heaveranne
The subreddit could completely understand Amy’s feeling a need for a clean and particular space, but they knew that she would have to adjust her perspective and priorities if she was going to be a happy and healthy mother.
Priorities shift when someone becomes a parent, and a tidy home might just be one of those shifts.