Being left out of special events can really sting.
It's especially hurtful when one is left out of something special that includes people they're really close to.
Or people they "thought" they were really close to.
Situations like these can make a person evaluate their trust and relationship with everyone.
Redditor Affectionate_Form_60 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA For Being Offended Over Not Being Included In My Family's Matching 'I Love You' TATOO?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Since my Dad left, my Mom, Sister and I have been tight."
"We're there for each other, ya know?"
"Some days ago, my Mom and Sister came home spontaneously with matching 'I Love You 3,000' tattoos."
"I asked them why I hadn't been invited or included and my Mom snapped at me saying 'They're inspired by that dumb Marvel movie your sister likes you wouldn't have wanted one.'"
"Um hello?"
"I love Marvel and have been collecting comics and memorabilia for years it's what she gets me for my birthday and Christmas every year I would have loved to participate, and that's what I told her."
"Then she changed her answer saying, 'Not everything has to be equal and that's life, sometimes you just don't get included in family things.'"
"There's this concert this weekend we're supposed to go to however I'm planning on staying home much to their anger."
"They're telling me I'm overreacting; however, I just don't feel like going out with them right now."
"I don't know how to feel."
"I don't wanna overreact. It is just a tattoo, but I feel bad being left out, especially since we've talked about matching tattoos for years."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit — AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your mom's response was pretty dismissive of your feelings."
"Sometimes people do that when they don't care how you feel, but also sometimes people do that when they feel really guilty the second they realize their mistake - so they avoid it."
"I'm betting, assuming things are usually good with your mom and sister, that this was option #2."
"Unfortunately, a lot of the time, we don't get apologies for option #2 because shame makes people act like jerks."
"So, I'd try and really sit with how you feel about this and determine what you need to move on - and then ask your mom and sis if they can accommodate that need."
"Make it tangible - like 'Can we plan a tat for all 3 of us that we'll get by a specific time?'"
"If it's option #2, and you approach them calm and collected with your ask - it should go well." ~ Many_Worlds_Media
"Sorry, there's no coming back from that kind of hurt."
"Being the one excluded that way is a terrible blow to one's self-esteem and sense of belonging."
"She will never feel the same about her relationship with her mother or her sister, she's forever the odd man out."
"My heart hurts for OP." ~ uTop-Artichoke5020
"This is the exact same that I went through."
"I'm a funeral director and have always been on call except for one holiday per year."
"The last holiday that I planned to attend with them, they changed plans and ended up all traveling three states over and camping for a week."
"I was not told or invited."
"That one stung when they all started posting their best family holiday pics."
"That's how I found out."
"From that day forward, never again."
"One of my distant third cousins randomly reached out and invited me two years ago to a small family party."
"My mom wasn't close to this side of the family so it was so refreshing."
"They were absolutely shocked at how I was treated also."
"I can relate to your personal story so much. I'm so sorry that you were treated like this too." ~ REDDIT
"My dad passed 2 weeks after I got married."
"My mom, myself, and my 2 siblings all talked about going together to get remembrance tattoos for him."
"I also live about an hour from the rest of my family… they all went and got their tattoos together and never said a word to me that they were going." ~ Hairy-University-287
"Wow, that's horrible."
"When my father died, my oldest daughter (16) asked if she could get a tattoo to remember him, and we ended up designing it together so we could both get it."
"We then showed the design to her younger siblings to approve, as they too would be allowed to get it when old enough."
"I can't imagine leaving them out of that."
"I'm really sorry they did that to you." ~ satanic_**ore
"You WERE left out and you are feeling some type of way about that."
"There is nothing wrong with that."
"It seems your mom is being defensive because she probably realizes deep down that she messed up."
"It would be great if she could acknowledge that without you having to tell her."
"I would explain myself as plainly as possible about the concert and let them know you will get over it, but just not yet. NTA." ~ RiddLA311
"NTA, but matching mother-daughter tattoos like this, combined with your mother's cruel reaction to your feelings, makes me think you'll be glad you maintained a distance from this situation in the long run."
"Your mom either has some sort of impulse control problem, or your sister is the golden child."
"Either way, I'd start making healthy connections and build a support system outside of your mother and sister."
"I'm not saying you need to cut them off, but you need to make sure that they aren't the only people you have to go to for emotional support." ~ Yetis-unicorn
"NTA. Your mom sounds mean AF." ~ DotSuspicious4925
"NTA, you're always entitled to your own feelings."
"And I don't blame you for being hurt, and I'd probably feel hurt too."
"Take care, OP." ~ shiny-baby-cheetah
"NTA. Let's start here: your feelings are valid."
"This isn't just about a tattoo—it's about being left out of a moment that was supposed to reflect love, shared history, and connection."
"When your mom and sister got matching tattoos, especially ones tied to your interests and the family bond you all share, they created a symbol—and intentionally or not, that symbol excluded you. "
"That hurts."
"It should hurt."
"You weren't asking for identical treatment."
"You were asking for acknowledgment."
"For inclusion."
"For consistency between what they say you mean to them and how they act."
"Skipping the concert isn't petty, it's self-protection."
"You're allowed to take space when you're hurt."
"If you decide to talk about it later, keep it simple...
"'It wasn't just about the tattoo.'"
"'It was about being left out of something that symbolizes love and family, especially when those are things I've always valued and wanted to share with you both.'"
"'When I said I was hurt, I wasn't trying to guilt-trip anyone.'"
"'I just wanted to be seen.'"
"And if they can't hear that, the problem isn't you." ~ CrunchM
"NTA sounds like they just simply don't care."
"I would just move accordingly from now on." ~ RuinBeginning776
"NTA, and it's deeply weird your mom describes the movie that inspired the tattoo as 'that dumb movie,' which makes it sound really not meaningful." ~ JustANoteToSay
"NTA and your mother's response sounds like it had a bit of spite behind it… be glad you now don't have a matching tattoo with people who are showing you that they don't care." ~ Glittering_Piano_633
"Your mom's defensiveness indicates she knows she did wrong."
"I'd be hurt too." ~ jjjjjjj30
"NTA… you've been talking about doing matching tats, you like marvel… I don't understand your mom's reason for not including you; she sounds rude and dismissive of your feelings."
"It's understandable that you're upset." ~ burns91710
"NTA. I feel so bad for what you are feeling. I was frequently left out of family things, and it hurts."
"Possibly go low contact for a while and evaluate the relationship with them and reset your expectations, get your own place, develop your own journey the way you want."
"This might be a reoccurring thing you haven't noticed, and it might be a good time to step back." ~ Trucksan247
"Is…is everyone forgetting the last sentence?"
"OP said they'd been mentioning matching tats for years."
"NTA. Sounds like mom and sis have impulse control problems and did this on a whim without thinking it through."
"Especially considering the fact you're a Marvel fan and had talked about matching tats."
"I would feel hurt too."
"Mom's response is probably, as some others have said, lashing out due to shame and embarrassment she didn't think things through and was just like whee spontaneous us!"
"I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the concert and they can just deal with the consequences."
"They want you to just be ok and forget it, but you don't have to." ~ julianpurple
"NTA. I'm sorry to say this, but your mum sounds like she's really mean to you."
"You are allowed to feel hurt by this, especially since it's something you've all talked about before." ~ WorriedBroccoli266
"NTA - sounds like something my mom and sister would do, and I would react the same way."
'Since this is a familiar feeling, the only thing I could advise would be to just keep your distance 🤷🏻♀️."
"I know my mom and sis never have my best interest, so I just try and keep to myself. Sorry OP, the family just sucks sometimes." ~ aGirlySloth
"NTA - it's understandable that you feel hurt, and the way your mom responded was hurtful and dismissive."
"Your mom and sister are allowed to do things between the two of them."
"It doesn't mean that they don't love you."
"I don't agree with people who say that this means your sister is your mom's favorite."
"Maybe your sister asked her."
"Maybe they both like the quote."
"It really is okay that you feel hurt, especially given how your mom responded."
"If the concert is something you want to do with them, don't let this stop you."
"Have a conversation privately with your mom about how you felt."
"Honestly, the fact that your mom said that she got a tattoo from 'that dumb Marvel movie your sister likes,' says to me that you don't want to share that particular tattoo anyway.'"
"If I did this special thing with my mom only to have her tell other people that this tattoo was meaningful to me and I thought her, I'd be really hurt." ~ Happieronthewater
"NTA. 'Sometimes you don't get included in family things.'"
"Well, if that's how she feels then you have the right to decide which family things you take part in."
"This concert is a family thing, and that's why you can opt-out."
"But either way, you should be ready for your mom to do other things like this."
"I don't know what's going on with her, but I do think something has changed." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"You know damn well you're not overreacting."
"Throw it back at her and tell her she's overreacting, that she doesn't have to tag along for everything, and sometimes she will be left out of things."
"What does your sister say?"
"Not gonna lie I'd be pretty upset at both of them." ~ snakpakkid
"NTA. I would be super mad as well."
"First of all, whether you enjoy Marvel or not doesn't enter into it; when someone and one of their daughters get matching tattoos, the other daughter should have the chance to opt in."
"But they DID know you love Marvel."
"And then when confronted, they blow you off like 'Oh well, sometimes you're just not part of things?'"
"Honestly, this is so disrespectful and hurtful."
"It very much seems like your mom (I'm reading that she was the driving force here) wanted to exclude you on purpose."
"This was a targeted slight, and now she's being snappy with you? Yeah no."
"Let them know you see them and you're pissed off."
"Don't let them make you out to be in the wrong here." ~ ksarlathotep
"NTA... hugs I'm so sorry OP; I have a mother like this too."
"She can't stand that my sister and my relationship is closer than either of our relationships with her and so she tries to sabotage that all the time."
"I think this is what your mother is doing."
"Talk to your sister about it, not your mom." ~ highly_animated
"NTA. Remind them- sometimes everyone isn't included in 'family events.'"
"What I'd do, but I can be a petty jerk, is go to the concert, not with them but with a friend."
"Bonus points if you can score better seats." ~ BlindUmpBob
"NTA. Go to the concert."
"Hard times are just around the corner these days enjoy something pleasant."
"Your mom's response is immature and calloused."
"Feeling left out is valid." ~ Daxori473
Reddit feels horrible for you, OP.
Your Mom and sister were clearly not thinking about you.
That is sad.
Hopefully, you have some friends or family you can find solace with.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp