It’s always a big step, not to mention a big adjustment, when someone chooses to move in with their partner.
As people frequently find their compatibility put to the test, they quickly notice how differently they live their lives at home.
Then there’s the issue of household expenses, an important but sensitive topic.
A topic many couples put off much too late.
The girlfriend of Redditor Major-Resource925 was ready to move in with him.
However, when the issue of household expenses came up, it soon became clear that the two of them didn’t see eye to eye.
Eventually leading to the original poster (OP)’s girlfriend accusing him of not being gentlemanly.
Unsure of how to proceed, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole Here” (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for wanting my girlfriend to also contribute to housing costs if she moves in?”
The OP explained why they had sudden reservations about his girlfriend moving in with him:
“I am 22 and just finished college.”
“I found my own place just recently (a one-bedroom apartment in a decent area of town).”
“It took me a while to find something affordable that I would like.”
“I pay for it all on my own from working.”
“I am very proud of this fact.”
“I enjoy working and paying for my own stuff and it feels good.”
“My girlfriend wants to move in with me.”
“We have been together for two years now and are very close.”
“She also just finished college at the same school and is working and right now staying with roommates.’
“I thought ok, but I thought and expected she will help with rent since she is also staying there.”
“But she was taken aback and not expecting this saying, am I really going to charge my girlfriend rent, and that the rent would be the same whether she stays there with me or not, and I should be happy my girlfriend wants to move in with me.”
“She said I should be a gentleman, but I am a gentleman, and I am also a fair person, and I felt it would only be fair for her to also contribute.”
“I am starting to think, yeah, she genuinely wants to move in with me and be with me, but also a major reason is so she could live for free, or so she expected.”
“I feel like she is saying I should be a gentleman as almost an excuse for her to live with me for free.”
“I also am starting to question her values, work ethic, and character now.”
“I talked to my parents, and they feel a bit uneasy about the situation now and don’t want me to be taken advantage of.”
“My mom said she has always contributed to costs and has been fair and does not believe anybody should use gender as an excuse for freeloading, for lack of a better term.”
“My mom said she has heard of some women doing this back in the day.”
“At the end of the day, my parents and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt as far as her intentions, but we are a bit uneasy.”
“How would you feel about this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP should seriously consider whether his girlfriend moving in with him was a good idea.
Just about everyone urged the OP to listen to his parents, agreeing that it seemed pretty clear that the OP’s girlfriend was taking advantage of him, with some pointing out how her not paying rent could even result in legal troubles:
“You are NTA.”
“Your GF is being manipulative.”
“You would not be charging her rent; the two of you would be splitting the rent.”
“Watch out that she doesn’t stay over a few nights and then just starts moving her stuff in.”
“You are being responsible and practical.”
“For someone just starting out, that’s really good.”
“Stand firm!”- morethan-lessthan
“She’s planning on quitting her job or cutting her hours, I’d put money on it.”- Helvetica-Scenari0
“NTA.”
“Your girlfriend is a loser though.”- Ok-Eye1638
“So…she just wants free housing and food and basically everything?”
“Don’t let her move in if you love and care for yourself.”- Think_Storm_8909
“NTA.”
“Listen to your mother.”
“Your gf is absolutely trying to take advantage.”
“She pays for her space with roommates, and this wouldn’t be different.”
“You’re paying rent for YOUR place.”
“If it’s both of yours, then both of you pay.”
“If you’re supposed to be a gentleman, then she should be a lady and not abuse you financially.”
“Reevaluate the relationship and have a serious discussion with her about values and how you see each other and your future.”- StormFather15
“It’s not charging your girlfriend rent if she moves in.”
“In some cases, the building you live in could evict you if they find out she is living there, not on the lease, which YOUR name is on.”
“It could f*ck you up in all kinds of ways to be with someone who has no plan on contributing whatsoever on the same level that you are, to not be homeless.”
“I’d let her know before moving in that you’re not charging her rent, the building is charging her HALF of what you’ve already been paying for.”
“And if she’s not willing to pay up, she can stay where she is with her roomies.”- moonlvr69
“Uh def NOT TA.”
“Your g/f is a leech.”
“You are way too young to be supporting someone, & frankly, it actually costs money to support a full-grown adult, so YES SHE SHOULD PAY RENT.”
‘It’s just practicality.”- No_Tiger75
“NTA.”
“She can’t just be living off of you.”- NightlySpiraling
“NTA.”
“You shouldn’t consider living with a partner until you’ve had frank conversations about their relationship with money, rent, bills, etc.”
“There are several other things you should discuss, but this is the bare minimum because this will impact your finances more than any other decision you make.”
“It sounds like she’s expecting to be taken care of, which is ok if that’s what you want to, but it sounds like that’s not what you want out of a partnership.”
“If you decide to live together, make sure you agree on rent, whether her name will be on the lease, what the plan for moving out is should you break up, basic house rules (like how often you want guests, who does what chores, etc) before she moves in, and write it out.”
“But based on the little info provided – don’t do it, dude.”- pookiepantshernandez
“NTA, but she is.”
“What a completely ridiculous assumption.”
“But hey, that what dating is for, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Going through different circumstances and challenges to see if you’re compatible.”
“If you were wildly wealthy and invited her to live there rent-free, that would be another matter.”
“But you’re not.”
“Do not under any circumstances let her not contribute.”
“I promise that if you do, you will end up paying far more than rent.”
“Sit down and figure out an equitable amount for each of you to pay based on what you each make.”
“Figure in any utilities or extras as well.”- DeJoCa
“I’m sure moving in with you and splitting costs is still cheaper than her current situation.”
“NTA.”
“She should ask her roommates if she can just not pay any living costs.”- Jillandjay
“Is your relationship supposed to have a partnership?”
“If so, then you both need to pull your weight and do your fair share, financially, physically, and emotionally.”
“So that includes both contributing to bills, both doing a fair share of housework and life work, and both supporting each other, but also being allowed to put yourself first when needed.”
“Your gf doesn’t want a partnership; she wants to be a high-maintenance princess.”
“You have had your warning.”
‘The fact that she, while working and earning, thinks this is in any way a reasonable and fair request should tell you about her values.”- book_worm9191
“NTA.”
“Right now she’s asking for free housing.”
“What else is she going to ask for next?”
“Not to help with chores?”
“To not work because you have it all covered?”
“I’ve seen situations like these irl, and they almost always continue escalating.”- fangirl_queen_69
One-income households aren’t exactly uncommon, nor is it uncommon for men of the house to “foot the bill,” as it were.
That being said, it’s certainly cause for concern when someone expects a free ride from their partner, as the OP’s girlfriend seems to expect.
Making the concerns of the OP’s parents all the more understandable, and leaving one to hope that the OP seriously considers how good an idea her moving in would be…