Sharing our passions with our S.O. is one of the best parts of being in a relationship, but if their priorities are different, it’s normal to clash and argue.
Especially, if one partner’s passion is expensive and the other partner can’t afford it.
27-year-old Redditor Silver-Ad-3839 encountered this very issue with his girlfriend. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for traveling without my girlfriend after she refuses to find a better job or save?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained.
“My (27m) long term girlfriend (26f) can’t afford vacations, refuses to look for a higher paying job, and gets angry when I travel or make plans.”
“I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years now. The issue we’ve been having recently is that I love to travel. I try to take at least 2 trips per year. My job offers a lot of vacation time and sufficient pay to fund vacations.”
“My girlfriend, however does not make a lot of money. And while she is able to take time off to travel, it is unpaid (and therefore makes it even more difficult for her to cover the costs).”
“That has resulted in many arguments as traveling is one of my passions and, while I would like for her to join, she cannot afford to.”
OP gave some examples.
“For example two winters ago, I wanted to go snowboarding since it had been a few years since I’d gone. I asked my girlfriend in the summer if she would be interested, and she was super excited as she has never been snowboarding.”
“I told her about what the costs would be for accommodation, lift tickets, etc. I intended to give her time to save up. Well winter comes around and she hasn’t saved anything for the trip. Mind you it’s not like it would have been impossible for her to save, she just would have had to cut back on some luxuries.”
“I ended up going with some friends and spent a great week on the mountain. When I got back she was so cold to me and asked how I could leave her at home. This led to a big argument about how she can’t afford trips like that (which isn’t totally true) and how I should have covered her share.”
“I basically told her that I would not pay for her vacations, but I would help her look for a higher paying job or find some side work. She agreed initially but then months go buy and she’s still stuck in her job.”
“Well of course, summer rolls around and I have time off, so I mention in March that I’d like to take a trip in July to go visit a national park (I’d also be open to other trips, but this was just a suggestion). Once again she gets excited and tells me she will start saving.”
“Well, July rolls around and this time she has maybe $200 saved. Not even enough to cover her plane ticket. I make some suggestions on things we can do within her budget, like a camping road trip, etc… but she gets really upset and basically tells me to just go on my own again. So, I do. I went and visited the park and had a great time. Same reaction when I returned.”
“Now, with covid vaccine coming, I’m wanting to take another trip this summer or fall and I’m afraid of the same conversation.”
“I’d probably be willing to help pay a bit more if she were making a genuine effort to find a better job or cut her expenses. But she refuses to do either, or accept a cheaper ‘compromise’ trip within her budget.”
“AITA here??”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Some people needed more context.
“INFO what’s the state of your relationship? Living together? Obviously separate finances. Discussing engagement/marriage? What kind of luxuries are you talking about ‘she could cut to save up’?” ~ justobsolete
OP answered:
“We live separately. We are both pretty indifferent on marriage. As far as luxuries, she has maybe 20 pairs of shoes but will still buy more.”
“She gets expensive makeup and workout clothes fairly regularly. She has a $100 salon appointment she goes to frequently.” ~ Silver-Ad-3839
Most Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.
“It’s not easy to just get a higher paying job, especially now, so I can understand her getting frustrated when you say that. Logically, yes, you are not obligated to pay for her, but it would be nice.”
“Really, you couldn’t pay for her trip as an early Christmas gift or sth? I don’t know, it all seems so cold. YTA” ~ (deleted)
“OP wants his girlfriend to travel with him and instead of contributing financially, he wants her to stop spending money on the things she cares about and also wants her to leave a job she’s currently at and find another one just so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about traveling.” ~ morningmint
OP responded.
“Not at all an accurate read of the situation. As I mentioned I’ve gone on my own or with friends and had a great time.”
“SHE wants to come with, which is great, but if she cant afford it she either needs to find a way to make more money or reduce her expenses. If she didn’t want to come, wants to keep her job, and prefers to spend her money on other things, I fully support that.” ~ Silver-Ad-3839.
Others thought she was in the wrong.
“NTA, your money and all, but this relationship ain’t gonna last beyond GF/BF stage if this is how you think. I certainly wouldn’t want to deal with this “I’m better than you” attitude.” ~ NalothGHalcyon
“She has made her position quite clear. She doesn’t want to cut back on luxuries, she doesn’t want a cheap trip and she doesn’t want to have to earn more money. Her answer to this ‘contradiction’ is to have you pay for the cost because she feels entitled to that as your girlfriend.”
“You can either agree to that, break up with her or keep playing this ridiculous game where you live the high life and she gets left behind until it causes an explosion in your relationship. Right or wrong her expectations are somewhat ‘normal’ and long term you just aren’t going to be able to continue taking big trips without her.” ~ ChangeMyMind204
Overall, this seems to be a symptom of a larger problem in their relationship.