Finances are always a part of relationships.
Money matters.
As soon as people can embrace that, the easier for it to become less of an issue.
Case in point…
Redditor Fireheart527 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for going on a weekend trip alone that my partner couldn’t afford?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hey everyone! A little while ago I (29 F[emale]) saw a discount flight to a nearby city.”
“It was a 12 hour sale.”
“I have friends in the city and immediately texted them to make plans, which they agreed.”
“I phoned my boyfriend (31 M[ale]), who I have been with about a year (we don’t live together or share finances) if he wanted to come.”
“He told me that he could not afford it right now as things were tight and he had his daughter (4F, not mine) that same weekend.”
“So I went without him.”
“My boyfriend is furious with me.”
“He said that since we have been dating for a year and are getting more serious (I’ve met his daughter and family, we are discussing moving in together next year) that we should make big decisions together and run weekend plans by each other.”
“He also really wanted to visit said city another time, maybe next year.”
“I told him I would be more than happy to visit again next year since I have many friends there.”
“I was gone for a weekend and spent my own money to visit my own friends, so I don’t see the issue.”
“I feel like he is being controlling and I did ask him to join me, but he views me as being a bad partner who does not function as a team.”
“So Reddit… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA — BIG RED FLAG!!!”
“Please note the BIG RED FLAG!!!”
“Before putting yourself in a position where this person will have more leverage to manipulate you.”
“Thinking that is a decision that he should be consulted in just screams control freak.” ~ JesterYorrick
“Do yourself a favor and don’t tell him you are seeing red flags.”
“It won’t matter.”
“He won’t change and he won’t learn, and that isn’t your responsibility anyway.”
“Telling him you see his true colors now will only enrage him and make your life hell.”
“A bunch of us are here telling you we’ve been through the same kind of person and we have no reason to do so.”
“Remember that when you waiver about breaking up with him.”
“By the way?”
“I promise you he thought you would be there all weekend with him and daughter helping care for her.”
“That’s really why he is mad.” ~ BendingCollegeGrad
“No normal b[oy]f[riend] would react that way.”
“Why would he?”
“He would be happy she got a chance to see her friends.”
“I’m seeing enormous red flags.”
“I would nope the hell out. NTA.” ~ occams1razor
“Good point here.”
“OP needs to walk away quickly and prioritize her safety from this controlling man.”
“OP, NTA. Please be safe.” ~ Easy-Concentrate2636
“OP, he knows he can’t manipulate you with real things like children or money, so he uses something that hasn’t even happened yet (future commitment) to make you feel guilty.”
“This is why you are doubting yourself.”
“He has convinced you that you are really missing out on something irreplaceable. NTA.” ~ Effective-Picture855
“NTA!! I’ve been married almost 30 years and when I want to go visit friends, I tell my husband I’m going.”
“I don’t ask. He says ‘Cool, have a great time’ and that’s it.”
“And we share bank accounts and live together!”
“I’d give this relationship some extra thought before you decide to move in together.” ~ OkConsideration8964
“I have a friend who was dating a guy who was total dead weight.”
“No job, no ambition (other than laying on her couch and eating her food), etc.”
“While she paid for everything.”
“She and her mom planned a trip to Canada and he was all excited because he likes wildlife and nature and they were going to be in an ideal location for that kind of sightseeing.”
“She asked him if he could pay his own way and he said no (OFC because he hadn’t had a job in years).”
“So she told him she wasn’t going to pay for him and he flipped out.”
“Kept going on and on how unfair it was and ‘why can’t you pay?'”
“And how selfish she was being and how left out he felt blah blah blah.”
“She went on the trip with her mom and he sulked and whined and wouldn’t let it go.”
“Fortunately, their relationship didn’t last much longer but by then she had already wasted 3 years on this guy.”
“OP, if this behavior becomes a pattern, do yourself a favor and dump him before you also lose 3 years of your life to him. NTA.” ~ cbm984
“You are allowed to have a life outside of him.”
“Visiting friends isn’t a ‘big decision’ I would hold off on moving in together.”
“Y’all only been together a year and he has a child.” ~ Silent_Syd241
“Yep. Especially for a weekend!”
“It would be one thing if she decided to spend all of her vacation time and money on a several week trip without him.”
“Especially if he thought they’d be traveling together later in the year or something.”
“His reaction might still be overblown depending on exactly what be said in that situation.”
“But at least it would be reasonable for him to be hurt that she didn’t even consult with him about that or take their relationship and the possibility of traveling together into account.”
“But to be this upset over a single weekend??? Weird and controlling.”
“Doubly so because she DID invite him ahead of time and therefore he knew about it.”
“So it can’t even be that he’s upset she didn’t tell him she’d be gone.”
“He’s just bu**hurt she has any life that doesn’t revolve around him, which is a major red flag.” ~ LF3000
“Be careful with this – I am a smart and confident person.”
“I only found out very recently that my wife had questioned herself because of my confidence.”
“Not in fights necessarily but on anything we may disagree on.”
“Thing is she is just as smart – and more – than I am – and I feel awful knowing that she thought her views were less than mine because of this dynamic.”
“Its work for both of us to do – but seeing you write this made me think of her – and … I dunno – I guess I wanted to share that experience – take it for what it’s worth.”
“Confidence isn’t the same as being right.” ~ rowegram
“Yeah definitely NTA.”
“I have been with my now husband 8 years.”
“I have his kid – and I still am able to say ‘hey I think i’m going away for the weekend next month’ and his reply is ‘yeah, have fun.'”
“Even then the only issue is childcare because it’s my kid-but most of the time he double checks his calendar and says ‘no problem’ you haven’t got that issue so this really is just your boyfriend being controlling.” ~ Too_Tired_Too_Old
“One thing to keep in mind with ‘the team’… people who shout about being a team, don’t think they’re a member of the team, they’re the captain, and the playbook is theirs and theirs alone to determine and keep.”
“NTA, but I’m not sure I’d hold on to this relationship for long, that’s… worrying.” ~ Steamedfrog
“You are dating him.”
“You haven’t committed to partner status yet, so he can take that argument and shove it.”
“NTA… and proceed with caution if you continue the relationship.”
“Be keenly aware of what he says, how he says it, what he expects, and how you feel.”
“Pay attention to that little voice.” ~ Realistic-Animator-3
“I’ve been married over 8 years and with my partner for over 11.”
“We share finances but if I wanted to go visit friends and my partner couldn’t go, they wouldn’t care if I went without them.”
“How your BF is behaving about this is extremely concerning.”
“It’s incredibly controlling.”
“I honestly would reevaluate this whole relationship.”
“If this is how he acts when you spend your own money to visit friends, it will only get worse from here.”
“I also would not move in with this person.”
“He has shown you the kind of person he is, believe him. NTA.” ~ Uharugger
“Yup that’s a big NO.”
“If you have opportunities, NEVER let a man keep you from them.”
“It means he’s not the one.”
“I’d have a short talk with him and if he doesn’t realize the big dumb errors of his way : move on. NTA.” ~ Stuff-Dangerous
“NTA. If you’re not sharing finances, what right does he think he have to dictate what you do or do not spend your own money on?”
“Also, functioning as a team implies discussion and mutually reaching an agreement, not ‘You want to go, I don’t want you to go – so you’re not going, the end.'”
“Or badgering you until you decide not to go.” ~ notlucyintheskye
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Hopefully you had a good time with your friends.
And hopefully you and the BF can figure situations like this out.