It can be challenging to find your footing in a new relationship.
How long do you wait before talking deeply to the other person? When do you tell them about that thing you did when you were eight?
At what point is it okay for your significant other to kick you out of your house to throw a party?
That was the question facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Personal-Listen-4941 when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to let my GF host a Girls Night?”
OP began with a quick synopsis and a general history.
tl/dr – My GF wants to have a girls night at my place and I said No, unless i’m also there.
Throwaway account to avoid any potential drama
Bit of backstory. I (Male, 35) Own a house (mortgaged) and I live there alone.”
“My GF (Female, 31) rents an apartment and lives there alone.”
“We have been dating for about 4 months. My house is a lot bigger and nicer than her rented apartment. We hang out at my place more often than hers but she does not live with me nor are we close to moving in together.”
“This is also the first house I have owned and she is my first GF since I bought the house.”
Then he got to the issue at hand.
“So a few days ago we were at my place, my GF asks me if I had any plans for a Saturday in three weeks time.”
“I don’t and she replies she’s wanting to invite several of her female friends over for a get-together and would I mind?”
Everything was fine, until…
“I say No, it’d be nice to meet some more of her friends.”
“GF then explains she meant she would invite some friends over by herself for a Girls Only night, and wanted to know if I would make myself scarce for the evening.”
“I said I wasn’t OK with her hosting a party that I wouldn’t be attending in my house.”
“I repeat that I’d be happy to have her friends over as a couple, but only if I’m part of the party. Because it’s my house and I don’t want a party, even a small one, held there without me”
“GF gets upset claiming I am stopping her from hosting her friends because I know she can’t host them at her place.”
“TBF it’s a lot smaller and badly maintained by the landlord. She claims i am being controlling and way too possessive over the house.”
He was left to wonder…
“AITA for not wanting this Girls Night in at my house, or am I in the right here?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out how new the relationship is.
“NTA.”
“It’s been 4 months. She is awfully entitled awfully fast.”
“On top of that, no means no. She is bold to continue to push the issue after you’ve declined” ~ projextd
Or,
“NTA.”
“Only 4 months of dating and you don’t even live together or will anytime soon and she wants to use your house for a party but kick you out.”
“That’s quite a bit of entitlement on her part followed by some grade A gaslighting when you set a boundary.” ~ elepheyes
For others, the girlfriend’s behavior was concerning.
“NTA.”
” ‘GF gets upset claiming I am stopping her from hosting her friends because I know she can’t host them at her place. TBF it’s a lot smaller and badly maintained by the landlord.’ “
” ‘She claims i am being controlling and way too possessive over the house.’ “
“This is a huge f*cking red flag.”
“Your gf of 4-month is acting like she has a right to use your place without you there.”
“You aren’t stopping her from hosting her friends as she is free to do so at her own place. Who cares if she doesn’t want to because it’s smaller and not as well maintained as yours, still that is her place she can use however she wants to.”
“Her claims and accusations are ridiculous and very entitled.”
“You are not controlling or overly possessive over your house. It is your right to set the boundaries for your property.” ~ untroddenpath
Also,
“NTA – super duper NTA.”
“It’s pretty unreasonable to even ask your bf of 4 months to leave his house so that you can invite your friends round while he’s not there.”
“But for her to continue to push and pressure past that first no, is way into a**hole territory.”
“Of course you’re possessive over your house.. it’s literally your house.”
“No way would I be letting my bf that doesn’t live with me, use my house to host his friends while I’m not there.” ~ singing_stream
And,
” ‘She claims I am being controlling’ “
” ‘She has definitely been giving me the cold shoulder for the last few days since the argument’ “
“Your girlfriend is emotionally manipulative and not ready for a healthy, adult relationship.”
“Do not allow her to host the get-together at your place.”
“Hopefully she doesn’t have a key or code to get into your house; if she does, you need to take preventative measures, as she may be the type to just show up anyway and assume social pressure will make you go along with her plan.”Â
“Consider moving on from this relationship. She’s starting to show you who she really is and it’s not very nice.”
“NTA” ~ pupperoni42
There were also personal stories of course.
“My husband and I own our house together and neither of us have ever asked the other to leave for girls or boys only night.”
“Do I hang out in our room so the guys can have fun?”
“Yes!”
“Does my husband escape to his lair when I have friends over? Yes!”
“But like… Where would the other go if one of us was kicked out of our own house for a Girl’s (or Boy’s) Nights Only?”
“That’s our house, it’s our safe place. I would never make my spouse leave to accommodate my friends. It’s his house!”
“I know you two don’t live together but that just makes this extra weird to me.”
“I would NEVER kick someone out of their own home; for them to have to what … Rent a hotel room? Find a friend to stay with? That’s not fair when they are already paying for their own house.”
“NTA but your GF sure is!!” ~ Shealyth
Commenters also tried to put the situation in perspective.
“NTA.”
“Letting her host a party for her friends at your place would be nice.”
“Making yourself scarce from your own home would be a huge favor.”
“Not doing any of those does not make you an AH, and she’s being manipulative by calling you controlling and possessive for refusing to let her take possession of your house.”
“Why can’t she have her friends over while you stay out of their way even if you don’t leave the house, for instance?”
“I mean, that sounds reasonable to me as a compromise.”
“Why is it necessary for you to go elsewhere as long as you give them their privacy? You don’t know her friends and you’ve only been with her for 4 months. She’s being entitled AF.” ~ Tough_Stretch
OP did return to had some last bits of clarity to the situation.
“EDIT: I just want to clarify a few things from the comments. Thanks to all the opinions and responses so far.”
“I am not significantly richer than her.”
“Of the friends that would be coming, there would be about 6 invited, so not a full house and I know 2 of them already.”
“She has said that she will be bringing her own booze and stuff rather than using my food & drinks.”
“She is not threatening to break up with me over this but she has definitely been giving me the cold shoulder for the last few days since the argument”
“Edit 2 Just to answer a few more things from the comments.”
“I don’t think she is cheating on me, nor do I think this is her way of bringing a boyfriend in to have sex.”
“Logically if she was going to sleep with someone behind my back there’s far easier ways to do that”
“The reason she wants me out of the house is because she plans on her friends sleeping over. I have a spare room with a double bed and a separate air mattress.”
“Those along with her and a friend sleeping in our bed, means that all 6 of them can get drunk and spend the night. She has done similar at a one of the guest’s house whilst we have been dating
My Dad lives about 10 miles away. Occasionally, every few months, I’ll plan on spending the night there so we as a family can have a few drinks and not worry about getting home.”
“So me spending the night elsewhere is not a huge deal itself.”
Relationships are all about trust, of course.
That trust has to be built slowly, over time, there are lots of ways to damage it during the construction process.
Be wary of that damage, but be patient with those who cause it.