For most people, it's second nature to help out a friend in need.
Be it giving them a ride, cooking them a meal, or, in some cases, helping them out financially, most people do it not out of obligation, but purely out of kindness.
Unfortunately, not everyone is always so accepting of others' generosity.
Even sometimes refusing help of any kind, not wanting to feel like "charity."
The son of Redditor Mission_Use_3002 recently had two of his friends over at their house.
When it came to the original poster (OP)'s attention that these girls might be in need of some climate-appropriate attire, the OP came up with a solution that seemed to please everyone.
Everyone except the girls' stepfather, who angrily confronted the OP, was offended by her actions.
Concerned she may have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for donating some winter coats to two cold little girls?"
The OP explained why the stepfather of two friends of her son was anything but appreciative of a recent gesture:
"It's gotten very, very cold recently where I (46 F[emale]) live in the Midwest."
"My son (13 M[ale]) has two friends, twin girls (13 F[emale]) who moved here in September from California."
"They hang out at our house a lot, one more than the other."
'Yesterday my oldest daughter (20 F[emale]) is home for winter break."
'She came into the kitchen where I was and told me she doesn't think the twins own good winter clothes."
'When I looked, one was in a hoodie and the other was wearing a jean jacket."
"My daughter asked me if we had any of her old clothes in the attic that we were maybe saving for my youngest, so we went up to look."
"I found lots of nice clothes from when my oldest was younger."
"Some good quality coats, long-sleeved shirts, even a solid pair of snow boots."
"I decided that the twins needed those clothes a lot more than my youngest, who hasn't grown into them yet.'
"I can always buy her new things, but these girls are poor."
"My son says they share one wardrobe already."
"My daughter took the clothes to the twins and told them they were theirs or we were going to throw them out."
"They're pretty stubborn girls, but they accepted the donation and seemed subtly overjoyed about it."
"I expected that to be the end of it."
"Instead, this morning I heard knocking on my door."
"When I opened it, it was the twins' stepdad."
"He had the box of clothes we sent home with them."
"He told me 'we don't take donations in this house' and to keep my nose out of his business."
"He acted like I had ruined his day and really put him out."
"I asked him if the twins had their own winter coats already that they just weren't wearing, and he said that they're tough, as if that means they don't get cold."
"My husband says I should have expected that reaction."
"I tried to call their mother but couldn't get a hold of her."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving her son's friends her daughter's old winter coats.
Not only did everyone agree that the OP made a very generous offer, but the behavior of the girls' stepfather even led some to feel she should call Child Protective Services:
"NTA - but watch those kiddos please."
"'They're tough' is code for 'Idgaf about these kids but my ego outranks their comfort and safety'."-AuntieKC
"NTA."
"That stepdad is a monster."
"I agree with the other commenters."
"Be a safe space for those girls."
"You may have to contact CPS down the road."- 12ohmygo
"NTA."
"I would call cps if I were you."
"Their step-dad is actively not properly taking care of the twins to the point that they don't have basic winter gear."
"Pride should never get in the way of your children's basic needs."
"At this point I would consider giving back the warm clothes abuse."- RandomNameRandomly
"NTA."
"Contact CPS."- otbnmalta
"That's sad."
"I grew up in an upper middle-class neighborhood, and all the moms handed around clothes to one another."
"It wasn't a big deal, and certainly no one saw it as a 'donation'."
"Poor girls."
"NTA."- christmasshopper0109
"The stepdad came and said something?"
"THE STEPDAD?"
"Where TF was the mom?"
"Or the father?"
"NTA."
"The stepfather tho."- Clear-Mulberry-323
"NTA."
"Even people of means exchange children's clothing amongst each other."
"Sometimes ( a lot of time) children quickly outgrow their clothing, so their old clothes are like new."-jfern009
"NTA."
"I hate stubborn and too-proud parents like this who make their children suffer because of their DAMN EGOS."- jaded161
"NTA."
"Are the girls in the same school/class as your son?"
"If so, you may want to reach out to the teacher/guidance counsellor to let them know about your interactions with both the girls and their father."
"Teachers have so many students that they need to watch out for, and you bringing your concerns to their attention may make them pay extra attention to any concerning behaviors/circumstances that arise with the two girls."
"These girls are so lucky to have you in their corner."- Sask_mask_user
"NTA."
"You can see from the responses here how many people have childhood trauma from that ridiculous 'face-saving culture' nonsense triggering their hostile responses to basic empathy."
"Whenever my kids' friends show up at my house during the winter when it is below freezing, we always have extra coats/jackets for any of them who need."
"I don't need to know the details of any child's situation, but if they are showing up without protection from the elements, as a parent, I'm not letting that slide."
"Any adult who thinks their fragile ego is somehow more important than taking care of their kids can go shove a frozen pine cone up their a**."
"This is what the village is for!"- gwie
"NTA, and step-dad's reaction is raising a ton of red flags."
"Others have said to call CPS."
"I agree."- leannmanderson
"NTA."
"As someone who suffered as a transplant to the frozen north, I would have welcomed a box of warm cozy clothes."
"Dad is letting the girls suffer over his pride."
"I mean hand me downs are awesome!"- msbrchckn
"Definitely NTA."
"I say keep the clothes for a little while longer in case there is a change of mind."
"And keep an eye on the kids and the stepdad."
"He sounds awful."- MoodyBlue78
"NTA."
"That dad needs to learn the lesson that pride is never more important than the health and well being of your children!"
"You did the right thing."
"I grew up very poor & learned early that swallowing my pride occasionally and taking help could be amazing."- Prestigious_Badger36
"The wind chill was -25 below in the Twin Cities yesterday...being in nothing but a hoodie or a jean jacket is just plain dangerous."
"He should be glad he was at the door because you gave them winter coats vs because they were found with hypothermia or worse."
"NTA."- Weird-Roll6265
'I have the money to buy my kids clothes."
"I have never once turned down a bag of donated clothes."
"We pick out what they want and donate the rest."
"His way of thinking is messed up and only hurting his children."
"NTA."- byfar82
"NTA.'
"I don't know if you can call CPS because of that?"
"Those poor girls are gonna freeze.'
"Meanwhile let the clothes at your home so they can use it when they're there."- Spirited-Ad6144
"NTA."
"We never turned away gifts just because they were 'pre-loved'."
"I think he had his pride hurt."
"Maybe the jackets alone would have been okay, could have said 'wear these on the way home, it's a bit colder today' or something."
"We can never predict how people will react, but it doesn't mean we should stop helping people."-Captains-Log-2021
"NTA."
"Those poor kids are freezing."
'The stepdad is an AH."
"He'd rather those kids freeze to save his bizarre pride."- FrostyIcePrincess
"NTA."
"Honestly, call CPS."
"This is neglect and purposeful at that."
"The family can even go to places like big brother's big sister's for coats if they aren't well off (my kids and I just got winter items and gifts from them) and our town has a kindness closet where people donate items and it's given away free."- Charming_Garbage_161
It's a parent's job to ensure children are cared for.
Sometimes, that even includes children who are not their own.
The OP noticed that her son's friends did not have sufficient protection to keep them warm in the brutal midwestern winters.
If the girl's stepfather doesn't share this concern, then perhaps he may need to learn about the importance of this from the authorities, as many have suggested.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp