I’ve heard “tradition” described as “peer pressure from dead people.”
It’s an amusing and apt description, but some of that pressure to uphold traditions comes from the living.
A new father who doesn’t want to be forced to follow a family tradition turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Lucky-Indication-928 asked:
“AITA for telling my mom to shut up and accept that my wife and I aren’t naming our kids the way she and dad named me and my siblings?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I (both late 20s) had our first child together in June. Before he was born, there was a lot of talk about names from different family members on both sides, but the pressure to tell what our name choice was centered on my side specifically.”
“We didn’t tell a soul what the name would be until our son was born and we had left the hospital. My parents were disappointed when we announced our son’s name.”
“My family are very traditional in how they named us. We were each named after grandparents and that’s how they feel everyone should name their kids.”
“My wife’s family don’t have a tradition when it comes to naming babies. They just name them and go.”
“No fuss or insisting on certain names. But my wife’s side tends to favor more uncommon and unusual names.”
“My wife’s and my taste tends to lean a lot more to her side than to mine. Which is how we ended up choosing the name Hollis for our son.”
“This was not something my parents liked because they expected our son to be either Jack (my dad) or Parker (my father-in-law). But I know they were expecting a little Jack to be born.”
“So that added to their reaction. But they quizzed us on our choice to ‘break tradition’ and I told them it wasn’t a tradition my wife’s family used and we decided we weren’t going to have one either.”
“Over the last couple of months, both my parents have questioned why and have wanted to discuss other names for future babies. My mom has been the worst by far.”
“My dad is bad about questioning our choice of name. He just didn’t go as far as my mom.”
“She asked why we went with something so unlike the names we have in our family. I told her our family wasn’t the only family involved, but that we also didn’t take the family tastes into account.”
“I was always aware people could be a little opinionated when it came to other people’s baby names. But never realized someone could go as far as my mom.”
“We went with what we liked. She pointed out our taste were a lot like my in-laws’ and I said yes, but that it wasn’t about my in-laws and their taste, it was about my wife’s and my taste.”
“I told her I was done discussing it and since that point I now change the topic or end the conversation when she brings it up or refuses to let it go.”
“We had a little naming ceremony on Saturday and my mom decided she was going to dig in her heels about the name and she told me we’d picked a stupid name and she hated it, she wanted us to change it and name him Jack or Parker.”
“She told me we had no business breaking a long held tradition in our family and there’s a reason those traditions are there so foolish people can’t name their babies the worst names imaginable.”
“She also said my in-laws must be so smug thinking they’ll have at least two stupidly named grandkids like they had all stupidly named kids. I lost my temper.”
“I told her to shut up and accept that we’re not naming our kids like she and dad named me and my siblings and I told her she would need to leave and learn to be more respectful because I would not take those insults against my wife or her family lying down.”
“My mom hated being told to shut up and she said I had no excuse for rudeness to her face. I thought she was crazy when she was rude.”
“AITA, though?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my mom to shut up. Of everything I said and did, that is where I really question whether I’m the a**hole.”
“Like, I could have figured out a way to put her in her place and make it known that I was unhappy with the way she was talking about my wife and her family and the way she spoke about me and my wife, without literally telling her to shut up to her face.”
“That’s not something I would typically do.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA on soooo many levels. The biggest ones are the ones that follow:”
“You’re not a child, nor a blank slate that she gets to project her whims and wills onto you and you’re just going to follow them, her not thinking that it’s alright for you to have your own likes and dislikes outside of hers.”
“Your mother just insulted your in-laws because they aren’t like her, saying that they have stupid names, and stupid ideas (their naming traditions in her mind are stupid) so, she also insulted your wife. She said her name is stupid.”
“She is infringing on your right and ability to parent your child, insisting that what you have done is the wrong action, and you must listen to the adult who obviously knows best and bow down to what she has told you.”
“She has told you that she will not support your naming ideas, what other things is she going to start pushing on for how you parent because it’s not what she wants?”
“Honestly, you need to have a conversation with your parents—WITHOUT your wife there. They’re your family, so the problems from them are YOUR problems to deal with, not hers. She’s just supporting you here, not being a target.”
“Tell them they can either drop this, and it never goes any further, including into criticizing your wife, in-laws, how you parent going forward, or they get to take a break from the baby.”
“I don’t know why, but some families take the birth of a baby and really try to push their weight and control around and try to dictate things when it comes to the baby. You either nip it in the bud now, or it’s gonna be hell with them going forward on choices you making the future.”
“It reads to the extreme that your mom is jealous over something to do with your wife/the in-laws and is now shaken at the idea of not having a grandchild named after her.”
“I agree with naming children their own names, personally. I want them to be their own person, not always be compared to someone else who’s had a chance to live their life and make their mistakes.” ~ TheAuthenticLorax
“NTA. Many people would compromise and give the kid a middle name from the family, but you needn’t perform that compromise by any means.”
“It sounds like your mother is tradition-bound. So am I, my only biological child (and thus the only one I named) being named after both grandmothers.”
“But my grandchildren will be named what they’re named when they’re born, should my children choose to have them, and I’m sure they’ll be lovely and adorable even if they’re unlikely to be named in ways I would choose.” ~ jpallan
“NTA. And since she hates the name so much it seems she hates the child attached to it by extension. Honestly I would tell her that it’s fine.”
“Since she dislikes the name so much she doesn’t get to see the child attached to it until she calms her sh*t.”
“I’d be worried about her calling him Jack behind your back and you wouldn’t even know until your son can speak and tell you what she’s doing.” ~ pixiecantsleep
“NTA. If your mother wants to have a say in naming a baby, then she should have another baby.”
“She was unnecessarily rude and disrespectful to you, your wife, your in-laws and your child.”
“I’d seriously consider going no contact with her if she doesn’t change her behaviour as your son will pick up on it as he grows up and it is not acceptable to expose your family to her.” ~ frozenbroccolis
“NTA. It’s as simple as this, if the kid isn’t theirs, they don’t get to decide the name. If they have a naming tradition, it doesn’t matter, still not their kid, so it’s not their decision.”
“They have no right to insist the name be changed and they shouldn’t get sh*t talking the name, you or your wife for picking that name and not a name they wanted you to pick.”
“Tell them to either grow up and accept the name, or they can look forward to not seeing their grandkids.” ~ kornflakes1989
The OP provided a bit of an update.
“Very low contact is being considered over this.”
“It will depend on what the reaction after this is like and whether they stop or continue insulting our son’s name and my in-laws and my wife and myself.”
“We didn’t use either father’s name. We considered a few names, but ultimately, we ultimately chose Cameron as the middle name.”
A break for at least a little while might be best.
It would give OP’s parents time to decide what’s important: getting their way on their grandson’s name or being a part of their grandson’s life.