I was blessed to have seven Grandmothers through death, adoption, divorce, remarriage, and Indigenous kinship traditions.
There was Gram Amelia, Gramma Sally, Grandma Mavis, Mamere Agnes, Grammie Fox, Grandmother Laura, and Auntie Maryanne.
I—a Gen Xer—had friends who called their grandmothers nana, mimi, nonna, memaw, or grandmama. But now that we're the ones becoming grandmothers, the monikers seem to have gotten more creative.
Like glamma for a "glamorous grandma."
A daughter who doesn't want her future children to use any name that isn't a variation on the actual word grandmother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Dazzling-Nose-2781 asked:
"AITA for not allowing my children to call my mother 'Honey'?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) have been thinking about starting a family recently. My mother (50, female) recently stated she does not want her grandchildren to call her grandma, but wants them to call her 'Honey'."
"She says she wants something uniquely different. She thinks it's endearing and says she will be sweet as honey to her grandkids."
"She and her husband call each other Honey and I consider it a romantic pet name and think it is odd as a grandparent name. My siblings agree with me."
"My husband thinks we should just let her choose whatever name she wants, but I cringe every time I think about it and want us to come up with something else we all like."
"She thinks I'm being the a**hole and it will be her grandchildren, so she gets to decide."
"AITA?"
"My mom wants her grandchildren to call her Honey and I want us to pick a different name as I think Honey is weird."
"She is not open to her grandchildren or me tweaking it at all. She will correct us or not reply if we use anything but 'Honey'."
"I honestly wouldn't mind if it was something my kids decided to call her, but the way she refers to it, it's like she's going to be training them to call her that. Like she won't respond if they say grandma or will correct them."
"I have pulled up lists and gone through over 50 different names with her. She is absolutely set on Honey and does not want any other name."
The OP later added:
"I've seen several people ask why this is even a conversation now. We have a dog and since my mom has decided on Honey as her grandparent name, whenever she is talking to our dog, she is calling herself Honey."
"'Don't you love when Honey comes to visit. You love honey don't you?' I roll my eyes and then the back and forth starts with the name."
"I've made some suggestions like even grandma Honey, but she is adamant it will only be Honey. If the grandkids call her something else, she plans on correcting them and saying to call her Honey."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I won't let me children call their grandmother Honey. I could just let her choose her own pet name."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors offered all options except ESH, with the highest votes going to no a**holes here (NAH).
"NAH, but this is a moot point. The grandkids will usually end up picking something and that's what will stick."
"My grandmother is 'Booboo' because that's what my younger brother started calling her as a baby, and even our older cousins have switched to calling her that." ~ petitsoleil131
"NAH. I think you're both putting the cart way before the horse here. Your children will naturally find a name to call her."
"My sister's kids call my mom and dad, 'Ita' and 'Ito' (short for abuelita and abuelito), and my brother's kids call both my mom and dad, 'Ata'."
"If your mom really intends to be as sweet as honey to them, she'll just go with whatever name they pick." ~ SomeoneYouDontKnow70
"I don't think anyone is an a**hole in this situation, so NAH, but just food for thought, would you consider it romantic if your mom called her grandkid honey?"
"I get that it's not usually used in the context of younger people calling older people that, but I disagree that it is only used in the context of romantic relationships." ~ BigBigBigTree
"Honey is absolutely not only a romantic pet name. Very common for a parent or grandparent to call a child Honey."
"So it would not be creepy at all for a child to call a grandparent Honey in return."
"I say NAH. If you really hate it, then ultimately it's not a good choice. You need to sit down and come up with another option."
"Do you have a heritage that has a non-English name for grandparent that could be a good fit?" ~ mauibetty
"Agreed NAH, but the idea that it's ONLY romantic is an odd one. I'm southern too, so it's very commonly used as a non-romantic endearment."
"Similarly, I call my friends 'babe' or 'hun' all the time & no one's ever misconstrued it as romantic." ~ Intrepid-Method-2575
"My stepmom is Honey and my dad was Sugar Pop. I think it's fine, but you hate it, so maybe find a different not 'grandma' name you can both agree on. NAH." ~ kitkat214281
"NAH. My boyfriend's late grandmother was Granny Honey to him. I call him Honey sometimes, but I've never really felt like those two things are in conflict."
"Honey is a term of endearment that covers all types of love, in my opinion. I have friends who call everyone baby, which was a new one on me, but at the end of the day these general terms of endearment are just that."
"I wouldn't sweat it! Let her go by Honey if it makes her happy. I mean, these grandparent names don't go to plan half the time anyways, the odds are non-zero that the kids wind up calling her some humorous mispronunciation of Honey." ~ watermellyn
The next most common response was telling the OP they were the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA. Honey is not only romantic. My mom calls me Honey all the time. I call my friends Honey. You're being weird." ~ JudgmentHot6715
"YTA. My cousins and I called my grandma Honey because my oldest cousin heard our grandpa calling her that. Nothing was ever weird about it."
"We also called our grandpa 'Papa'. So whenever we went to visit, we would be going to Honey and Papa's house. If it's weird, it's because you made it weird." ~ perrabruja
"YTA. Listen, your kids are going to pick up on things and call grandparents what they will. My twins called my mom and stepdad Honey and Darlin."
"Why? Because that's what my mom and stepdad call each other. They picked up on this and it stuck."
"I, their mom, and my parents had very little control over it, outside of us asking them not to call each other that near them, which would be a flat out a**hole thing to do."
"Your husband is right. Let your future children pick the name and roll with it."
"It's not as big a deal as you're making it, and you absolutely would be the controlling a**hole if you tried forcing it."
"Plus, you're not even pregnant. This is a 100% non-issue. Let it go." ~ Inner-Nothing7779
"You don't even have children yet, you're just thinking about it and you're already obsessing over this? YTA."
"Also it might start out as Honey, but will change to whatever the child calls her." ~ Decent-Historian-207
"This is not a big deal. YTA." ~ floopyferret
"YTA. It's not that serious. My daughter called her grandpa Honey because she heard her grandma call him that."
"She thought everyone called him that. Not a big deal and I thought it was cool." ~ skylersparadise
"YTA. I think you're getting way ahead of yourself. First, you need to have kids. Next, the kids will likely dictate what they will call the grandparents based on what they can actually say."
"My MIL wanted to be Gma but she is Mema. I think Honey is cute and I actually knew a grandmother years ago who went by that. It's creative and for me evokes an image of a warm, caring grandmother who gives hugs and makes cookies."
"At the end of the day though, this is a name your mom will answer to and she should be comfortable with it. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to dictate the name either my mom or my husband's mom wanted our children/my nieces and nephews to call them."
"Does your mom irritate you in other ways and this issue you're having is actually an extension of that?" ~ Pleasant-Ad4784
"YTA. Why make up an issue where there is none? I bet your parents call each other baby and sweetheart, too. Guess no one can use those either." ~ HoneyWyne
But some felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA but you both sound exhausting. You aren't even pregnant and you're fighting over this?"
"I used to call my stepgrandpa 'Honey' because my grandma used to call him that when I was a little girl. I thought that was his name. All the grandkids called him that."
"Hopefully, you can both agree on something in the future." ~ Endora529
"NTA. It's your kid, you get a say in what they call their grandma." ~ Hazelmeadowstar
"NTA. 'Honey' as a grandma name is def weird. It's a romantic thing, not a grandma thing."
"You get a say since it's your kid. Maybe suggest some other cute names, like Nana, Meemaw, or even just her first name if she's cool with it."
"Compromise is key, but 'Honey' is just too strange." ~ Breezewild
Since the OP doesn't have children and isn't pregnant, it seems like there's plenty of time to think about this issue without arguing about it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp