Grief comes in many forms and many stages.
Upon learning we’ve lost a loved one, not everyone instantly breaks down into tears, as is a common perception.
Some need to process the news they just heard, resulting in a wide range of emotions and reactions.
What often goes unsaid, but is universally true, is that grieving a loss is different depending on the person we lost.
Redditor LightFieldStudios was recently informed by his mother of a death.
The original poster (OP)’s reaction to this news was somewhat confusing to their mother.
When she confronted them about this, the OP gave an honest response, saying that they were more sad about a previous death than they were this one.
A remark that their mother didn’t appreciate at all.
Concerned they may have been insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my mom I felt more when my goldfish died?”
The OP explained why their state of grief, or lack thereof, didn’t sit well with their mother:
“Around a week ago, my sister and I were called upstairs and told that our uncle had died.”
“I wasn’t really surprised, so I went back to my room.”
“My uncle had terminal cancer and had been expected to pass away for a while.”
“I had already come to terms with the fact he was going to die.”
“A few days ago, my mom and I were in the living room talking about the funeral plans, and my mom kept trying to get me to talk about how upset I was and my emotions regarding the whole thing.”
“Truthfully, I don’t have many feelings towards it.”
“He had cancer and we knew he was going to die.”
“I told my mom that I felt more upset when my childhood goldfish had died, which is the truth, but I might have been the a**hole for saying it out loud.”
“My mom got mad at me and sent me to my room, and now she has been avoiding really talking to me at all.”
“My uncle, who died, was my father’s brother, not my mother’s.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found almost no sympathy from the Reddit community, who almost unanimously agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for telling their mother they were sadder when their goldfish died than they were their uncle.
Everyone agreed that even if that is the way the OP felt, it was simply unnecessary for them to make that remark.
“YTA, completely unnecessary to say.”- Rackshaw_Bangem
“YTA.”
“Diplomacy is not your strong suit.”
“You may feel like this, but that doesn’t mean you should say it.” – Heavy-Equipment8389
“While the Truth, you could have been more constructive, like ‘I’ve came to terms with his death a while ago Mom, I’ll miss him but He is in a better place’.”
“Sadly YTA for not thinking before speaking.”-Lunar-Eclipse0204
“YTA.”
“Not because of how you felt about the expected death of your uncle, but because of the insanely callous lack of empathy to your mother that making that comment to her demonstrates.”
“She’s grieving.”
“And now she has to worry that her kid is a psychopath who can’t feel empathy.”
“Please apologize.”
“She doesn’t need this worry, too.”- SlinkyMalinky20
“YTA.”
“You could have said something like, ‘I didn’t really feel that close to him’.”
“Remember, he was her BROTHER and she probably feels terrible right now, so tread carefully.”
“You honestly sound kind of cold.”- Ok_Material_5634
“YTA.”
“You do not need to personally feel grief-stricken in life every time someone dies.”
“But you do need to respect that he is a human being whose life had worth, and now he is gone.”
“And there are people who cared about him who are grieving.”- Muppet_Fitzgerald
“How old are you?”
“10 and under, you get a pass.”
“If you are more than 11 YTA!”- Straight-Note-8935
“YTA.”
“That was definitely an ‘inside thought’ that you don’t say out loud.”
“A better way to have gone about it was ‘it’s unfortunate, but we knew the time was coming, so I felt prepared for the news’.”- UnPracticed_Pagan
“YTA.”
“You are not the only person in the universe with an inner emotional life.”
“Your comment was really heartless, particularly while your mother is grieving.”- morgaine125
“YTA.”
“Some things are better kept to yourself.”- Living-Assumption272
“YTA for saying it out loud.”
“Everyone grieves differently, but that is something you need to keep to yourself when other people are actively grieving.”- Former_Inflation9735
“YTA.”
“While it’s fine to feel that way, you don’t tell your mother.”
“That’s just f*cked up.”
“This is one of those ‘keep it to yourself’ things.”
“Just think before you speak next time, and it’ll be all good.”- pupuyt7701
“YTA.”
“You could’ve said you’d already come to terms with the fact that he was going to die a long time ago you didn’t have to be so callous.”
“What you said does not reflect how you actually felt in the post but what it does say is ‘I couldn’t give less of a sh*t about his death because I cared as much for him as i would a goldfish’.”
“This entire post just makes you seem like an insensitive, un-empathetic a**.”- Empty-Position-7014
“YTA.”
“For saying it to your mom, who was his sister and presumably loved him, and is mourning him; also YTA for being so cold about the loss of your uncle.”
“Did you not know him well?”
“Did you not have any affection or attachment to him?”
“Perhaps not, but you still should show basic respect for a close relative passing away from a dreadful illness before his time.”
“I’m guessing you are young, and your mother and uncle are fairly young, too.”
“Comparing your uncle’s death to your goldfish’s death is inappropriate.”
“Of course, you can love a goldfish, but a human being and a goldfish are very different things.”
“Comparing anyone’s death to another being’s is an unnecessary thing to do.”-Euphoric_Travel2541
“YTA.”
“Your mother is grieving, support her instead of being a snotty a**hole.”- BeterP
“YTA in the way that you said this.”
“Not for how you feel.”
“Everyone processes death differently.”
“Future reference, though, never compare a human to a goldfish.”
“While it may have been a really great goldfish, no one would take that lightly.”
“Depending on how long your parents have been married, your uncle could have been like a brother to your mom.”
“Just… don’t say that at the funeral.”
“Have a bit of empathy for your parents.”
“It’s great you had already made peace with your uncle’s passing, but the rest of the family probably hasn’t.”- Ok_Ordinary2191
“YTA.”
“It’s fine to feel that way, but it’s not ok to tell that to someone who is grieving.”
“Think before you speak.”- PavlovaToes
“YTA.”
“You may have been honest, but comparing a human to a goldfish sounds like you’re belittling the human.”
“Poor choice of words.”- WalkingOnSunshine83
“YTA.”
“Of course, YTA.”
“Be a human being and show compassion.”- Jewbacca_429
“YTA That’s not the kind of thing you say to somebody who is in mourning.”
“You need to grow up.”- leftycatt7700
“Yes, YTA.”
“She cared, and you dumped on her.”
“You can make snotty comments to people outside the circle of grief, not inside it.”-GnomieOk4136
“YTA. Your mom lost her brother and is processing her feelings.”
“She is upset and could use some support.”
“She definitely doesn’t need her child to callously say their goldfish was more important.”
“Instead, you could have said something like ‘I’m okay right now and I appreciate you checking in on me. How can I support you?'”
“Be a better empathic person.”- EfficiencyForsaken96
“YTA.”
“You don’t have to feign grief, but come on.”
“Obviously, you were annoyed at her pressuring you to express sadness, and I get that’s annoying.”
“But you surely recognize that was a d*ckish thing to say, even if it’s accurate to your feelings.”
“A human being that you both knew died.”- StatusTics
“YTA.”
“Im genuinely appalled that you even thought this was appropiate to say.”
“A simple ‘Mom, Im fine. I came to terms with it a long time ago’ would’ve gotten the message across.”- Life_as_a_new_weeb
“YTA.”
“’Yeah I know your brother died, but I don’t really care’ is an AH thing to say.”- yourlittlebirdie
“YTA.”
“Even if you weren’t close to your uncle, presumably this is your mother’s brother, and she’s dealing with her own grief.”
“You didn’t have to be so harsh to your mother, who is probably upset, even if she doesn’t recognize that it’s not hitting you the same way it is to her.”- RuthBourbon
No one can change the way the OP felt.
Even so, it’s hard to understand why the OP felt it was necessary to share that particular bit of information.
Or, better yet, perhaps the OP could have shifted their focus to how their family was dealing with this difficult news instead of being honest about how they felt.