Though it leads up to a wonderful occasion, wedding planning itself is incredibly stressful and intensive, and the task at hand tends to create some drama.
This often includes one of the very first activities, which is selecting the wedding party, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwra58374 found herself arguing with her future husband because they could not agree about where to place one of his friends in the party.
When they couldn’t reach a consensus, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked that her future husband blamed her for the trouble at hand.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting my fiancé’s friend in our wedding party?”
The OP didn’t particularly get along with her fiancé’s friend.
“My ([female] 26) fiancé ([male] 28) have been together for four years.”
“He’s been friends with ‘Maya’ ([female] 30) for six years. They’re fairly close but she doesn’t like me much.”
“It’s usually not an issue, some people just don’t mesh. We don’t mesh.”
“There’s no heavy animosity and we can be near each other fine, we just don’t talk when we are. We don’t actively hate each other, just prefer not to hang out together.”
“She isn’t against us getting married and likely would say yes to being a bridesmaid to make him happy but isn’t pushing for it herself.”
The couple could not agree about including Maya in the wedding party.
“We’re recently engaged and he’d like her to be a bridesmaid. I don’t.”
“He wants her in a dress matching my bridesmaids, on my side, participating in the things we’re doing.”
“I said absolutely not, she doesn’t even like me. I’ve seen wedding photos where one bridesmaid clearly doesn’t want to be with the bride and I don’t want that. Plus, I really only want the women closest to me as bridesmaids.”
“I suggested she wear a black dress to match the men’s tuxes and be a groomswoman.”
“He said that will look dumb and he doesn’t want to do that.”
The groom blamed the OP for Maya not being involved with the wedding.
“Because he’s dead set against including her on his side with the men and their activities, and I’m dead set against having her with me and my bridesmaids, he’s said I’ve effectively said she can’t be in the wedding.”
“I argued he’s just as much at fault for not budging as I am, but he said I’m the one being unreasonable.”
“Mind you, his only reason for not wanting her with his groomsmen is, ‘That’s dumb, just let her be a bridesmaid.'”
“AITA for not budging and basically keeping her out of the wedding party, according to my fiancé?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the bride had the right to say who would be included on her side of the wedding party.
“NTA. His friend is his responsibility, not yours.”
“He accuses you of saying she can’t be in the wedding… as if you aren’t allowed to not want her in it. As if it is a bad thing not to want her in your side of the wedding party.”
“Girl, you’re absolutely entitled to not want her in your wedding. She doesn’t like you, you don’t like her, why would you be in the wrong about not wanting her?”
“Don’t argue that point anymore. Say it outright that he’s right, you don’t want her in your wedding party, so he can either invite her to be a groomswoman if he wants her in the wedding party or shut up and stop pestering you.” – taway425698
“How does he get a vote on your bridesmaids??? Stick to your guns, don’t have that bad juju standing by your side at such an important time. NTA.” – alhajjbvfgfhgtrfj
“Best friends should stand with who they’re friends with.”
“Signed, a bride who had three bridesmen and no bridesmaids.” – O_Elbereth
“NTA – see if she can do a reading, give a toast, or participate in another meaningful, but non-attendant way on the big day.”
“She is not bridesmaid material.” – Nina_Innsted
Others agreed and said the groom could include his friend on his side.
“It doesn’t look dumb to have girls on the groom’s side. We had that. They wore dresses that matched what the other groomsmen wore and it looked great!” – qrczakvcxvdfshr
“NTA.”
“It’s crazy because she can be in the wedding if he gets over a woman being in his ‘guy group.'”
“There are other ways to include her in a wedding. If he’s so dead set on it, he can brainstorm a little bit. He also seems to be going very rigid with the rules.”
“He can have a woman with his groomsman and she could not go to some of the more ‘bro’ events. Like she’ll go to dinner and a few bars, but if they choose to go to a strip club, she leaves?”
“He thought he could stick them together, and OP wouldn’t care or the time together would make them like each other.”
“It’s weird that it’s not ‘wrong’ for him to not want her in HIS party, since it’s HIS friend, all because she has tits. Ridiculous.” – mongoosedog12
“NTA and that is his responsibility, not OP’s.”
“Although, I can’t see from OP’s post any issues with the friend, other than they don’t get along. As OP said, some people just don’t mesh together.”
“That being said, it would be unfair on the husband for his friend not to be invited to the wedding just because they don’t get along, as it is the husband’s wedding just as much as OP’s, AS LONG as there haven’t been any events that would justify not inviting her.”
“Asking her to be a bridesmaid is too much of an ask, and if the husband really wants her to be a special part of the wedding, she should be a groomswoman, or as another commenter suggested, she has a special toast.” – Makaveli2020
“I will bet you $$$$$ (money) that he doesn’t want her as a groomsman because he doesn’t want a woman at his bachelor party.” – chipdipper
“The fiancé could solve this himself by putting her on his side. It should never have been an issue.”
“The fiancé’s wants trump OP’s comfort, and he is also unwilling to do a simple thing to increase her comfort. They could have both and he still refuses. He wants it entirely his way.” – LilyMooCow
Some were concerned about what this altercation meant for their future marriage.
“Am I the only one thinking that the reason that Maya doesn’t get on with OP, is that she is in love with OP’s fiancé/had a previous relationship with the fiancé that OP doesn’t know about/is currently still in a secret relationship with OP’s fiancé?”
“Everything about this question makes OP’s fiancé look immature, unreasonable, inflexible, and sexist; but the fact that he’s more worried about putting Maya into a bridesmaid role, despite OP saying no, makes me feel like Maya is more important to him than the bride.”
“OP needs to get to the bottom of why her fiancé is choosing Maya’s involvement in the wedding as his hill to die on.”
“Also, I’m not sure that OP should rush into this marriage when there are so many red flags about her fiancé’s whole attitude and approach.”
“It doesn’t bode well for a long and happy marriage!” – Beeesh1
“Have you asked him to REALLY think through what’s he’s asking of not just you but his friend?”
“1. She’ll have to shell out money for all sorts of things like dresses and parties.”
“2. She’ll have to dedicate a lot of hours to wedding events where she’ll be hanging out with people she either doesn’t know (your other bridesmaids) or doesn’t like (you). I’m also guessing your friends know you guys don’t love each other, so she’ll be automatically the odd one out.”
“3. She’ll know you had to be pressured into including her and will likely be hurt/confused about why your SO (significant other) doesn’t want her on his side.”
“He’s also asking you to take all of the happy joyful moments of being a bride (many of which are emotional and intimate) and share them with someone you don’t like or trust.”
“Why would you want to be in your underwear in front of her as you put on your dress? Why would you want to have to make small talk with her while getting your hair/makeup done? Why would you want to be vulnerable in front of a person who’s made it clear they don’t even like you at your best and strongest?”
“Honestly, if he continues to push this AND put the blame on you for her not being in the party (he could absolutely include her as a groomswoman or even a f**king flower girl or something; folks are creative as s**t with their parties these days), I’d really take a hard look at your relationship, because that’s a huge red flag.” – puffinprincess
“This can be a sign for things to come for their marriage. He shouldn’t be forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do.”
“She had no relationship with his friend and they don’t get along. Why is it so important for him?!?!??”
“I would hold off on any wedding plans to show the fiancé that OP is serious about this.” – MRHS95
Though the future bride wondered if it was her fault that Maya might not be in the wedding after all, the subReddit insisted it was as much the groom’s fault, if not more so, as it was hers.
Maya was the groom’s friend, after all, and while women are still not typically included in groomsmen activities, it would still make more sense for Maya to show emotional support to the groom than to the bride.