Processing childhood family trauma can often be a lifelong battle.
There are just some scars that never fully heal.
This sort of struggle can cause major rifts within families for generations.
This is also why some important life events that usually include family can be more triggering and painful than joyous and fun.
Maybe not every wedding is meant to have everyone there.
Redditor UninvitedBrother32 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for uninviting my adoptive brothers from my wedding after they said they don't see me as family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 32-year-old man, and I'm getting married to my long-time G[irl]F[riend] soon."
"What should be one of the happiest moments of my life has turned into a heartbreaking ordeal because of a deepening rift in my family."
"To give you some background: I'm my parent's biological son, and when I was 12, they adopted two boys who were biological siblings—Jack, who was 8, and Liam, who was 5."
"From the very beginning, it was clear that things were going to be tough."
"Jack came with severe behavioral issues due to some intense trauma (I'll spare the details, but it was significant)."
"I tried my hardest to be understanding, but living with him was nothing short of exhausting."
"His outbursts were constant, and I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, terrified of setting him off."
"As we grew older, I continued to try to be there for Jack despite everything."
"A few years ago, Jack fell into a devastating drug addiction."
"I stood by him through his darkest moments, supporting him through rehab and doing everything I could to help him get back on his feet."
"It was draining and heartbreaking, but I did it because I loved him and believed that, despite our challenges, we were still brothers."
"The situation came to a head recently at a Sunday dinner at my parent's house."
"My son was working on his summer homework, which involved creating a family tree."
"He innocently asked Jack if he wanted to be included, and Jack just flat-out said no."
"He didn't want to be part of it because, in his exact words, 'We're not real brothers.'"
"He said it so casually, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, with no regard for how much it would cut me to the core."
"I was utterly stunned, but what shattered me even more was that Liam, who I've always felt closer to, just sat there in silence."
"He didn't say a word."
"He didn't defend me or even acknowledge how hurtful Jack's words were."
"He just let it happen."
"I've tried so hard to be supportive of both of them, especially Jack, despite the endless challenges."
"So, for Jack to say that and for Liam to do nothing felt like a gut punch."
"It was as if they were both telling me that I was never truly part of their family."
"I decided to uninvite both Jack and Liam from my wedding."
"My fiancée has been nothing but supportive of my decision, but my parents are furious."
"They've made it clear that if Jack and Liam aren't invited, they won't attend either."
"It feels like history is repeating itself, with my parents once again prioritizing Jack over me, no matter how much it hurts me."
"I'm absolutely heartbroken that my parents would choose to miss my wedding rather than support me in this."
"I know Jack has been through a lot, but I've done everything I can to be there for him and Liam, despite all the heartache."
"And now, I feel like I'm the one being punished for finally standing up for myself and setting some boundaries."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for uninviting my brothers after they said they don't see me as family, even if it means my parents won't come to my wedding?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - but perhaps Liam said nothing because he knows how Jack thinks and reacts, and contradicting him or arguing would only have caused a scene in front of your son."
"Jack was the one who said this."
"I expect, given your description of Jack, that Liam has also had a lifetime of managing his brother's moods and behavior, and he didn't want to be involved."
"Think again about inviting Liam."
"He hasn't done anything wrong here except refuse to contribute to a family argument."
"Maybe go for a drink together and talk, man to man?" ~ Lulubelle__007
"You are totally within your rights to feel hurt. That's genuine."
"But I think you missed a number of steps between feeling hurt and uninviting them."
"You should take some time to talk to Jack privately and ask him why he said what he said, reminding him of how you feel about him."
"Then speak with Liam and get his input."
"I think there's a way to work through all of this and get back to being a family."
"I don't think you're an AH, but I think you shouldn't hit the nuclear button right away." ~ Mail_Writer580
"You said that you walked on eggshells to avoid conflict and outbursts."
"Could it be that Liam was as well?"
"I feel like he could have reached out after the fact to explain this, but I think it's worth a discussion with him."
"Sure, Jack can pound sand, and your parents as well for playing favorites."
"But I would talk with Liam to know for sure how he feels."
"He might be in a tough spot where Jack's love might be conditional on agreeing with him." ~ meadow_chef
"Hope you get some clarity from Liam."
"For Jack, I completely understand your decision, but considering his background and substance abuse, pushing you away could be part of his self-destructive cycle."
"Not saying you should change your mind about disinviting him but it sounds like there might be some complex stuff going on in his head." ~ Pupniko
"NTA. I completely agree."
"I understand that Liam's silence hurt your feelings as well, but maybe it's worth having a word with him."
"You can let him know that he hurt you by not saying anything, and also ask him why that was the case."
"Perhaps he really did just stay quiet to keep the peace."
"He knows by this time that Jack is capable of turning anything into a fight or a scene, so he was just avoiding it."
"If you speak to him and it still feels like he's also being hostile, you're absolutely right in uninviting him too."
"Your parents are being very unreasonable, though."
"It's okay for them to get upset when they learn of what happened, but instead of being petty and stubborn, they should be talking to Jack about his behavior and how it's affecting the whole family." ~ Bothered_Giraffe369
"Unless this happened an hour ago, Liam has had time to contact OP personally to let him know he doesn't feel the same way as Jack about their relationship."
"Why is that up to OP?"
"It seems like OP has always been expected to bend over for everyone else."
"Now that OP has finally stood up to them (and I'm including his parents here) and defended himself, he should stand his ground now and move forward."
"Call it good practice for when/if OP adds more children to the mix." ~ -UP2L8-
"NTA... but you should ask your parents if they see you as lesser of a person compared to Jack."
"Ask them if your feelings only matter so long as Jack is ok with it."
"You should also ask your parents why, when it comes to you, do they feel as if you should take a backseat to Jack, and why they feel it's necessary to dish out an ultimatum to you, but can't address the way he spoke to you and what he said.
"Nonetheless, if I were you, I'd revoke their invitations anyway… simply on the basis that they can't be bothered to be there to shoot you, and would rather Jack is the one who needs to be considered over you." ~ controversialmind737
"Absolutely NTA."
"Jack made it extremely clear that he does not consider you his sibling."
"So, why should he be invited to the wedding?"
"The same goes for Liam, he could have easily said something if he felt differently."
"Your parents should understand how much that hurts."
"For them to say they're not going if Jack and Liam aren't invited is just BS."
"You're their kid." ~ DogsReadingBooks
"Just a thought for you: how hurtful could it have been for Jack to have his place in your family questioned, no matter how innocently?"
"If I were in Jack's shoes, I would have been hurt by that question and very well might have answered as he did."
"His answer may be more of a reaction to the question and not any long-standing sentiment."
"I'd talk separately with Jack and Liam and get clarification."
"I hope it goes well for you all." ~ ArrayedLike1ofThese
"NTA - your wedding, your guests."
"And Jack has been very clear about who and what he is."
"However I would consider opening some dialogue with Liam."
"I appreciate you seeing his silence as implying he agrees with Jack, but was that the case, or was it he knew intervening would cause more of a storm?"
"I would strongly advise having a chance to speak to him calmly, directly, without others around to influence the discussion either way and explore what he actually thinks." ~ Fearless_Spring5611
"NTA. My Dad is not technically my bio-donor."
"Before being married to my mom, he was married to someone who had kids from a prior relationship."
"This summer, I went to her daughter's (my step-step-niece's?) high school graduation."
"Family is always a choice."
"Best of luck to you." ~ DigasInHell
"NTA. Your wedding; your rules."
"It sucks. It hurts."
"But if he going to act/think that way, you are saving your own emotions."
"You really buried the core details at the end—your parents putting him over you."
"That is a huge bit of information."
"It sounds like he has always gotten away with being nasty to you, and your parents allowed it."
"Think very carefully about what boundaries you want to set after the wedding." ~ Bloodystupidjohnson3
"NTA. Family is a choice."
"I got married last week, and my wife didn't invite her narcissistic mother, which I fully support."
"Hopefully, your brother and parents will apologize." ~ MrTadpole1986
OP came back with an update...
"Thank you for your comments."
"Honestly, I'm still extremely emotional by all of this."
"Especially because of my parents."
"But I have always got on better with Liam, even though I do still feel like an outsider compared to the two of them which is probably because they're biological brothers who have the shared trauma."
"I still feel really hurt by Liam not saying anything, but my main issue is with my parents and Jack."
"I'm going to talk to Liam later."
This is a tough situation.
Sorry, you're having to go through it, OP.
Reddit is with you. Your wedding, your rules.
And boundaries are important.
Hopefully, you and Liam can mend fences after you talk.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp