Processing childhood family trauma can often be a lifelong battle.
There are just some scars that never fully heal.
This sort of struggle can cause major rifts within families for generations.
This is also why some important life events that usually include family can be more triggering and painful than joyous and fun.
Maybe not every wedding is meant to have everyone there.
Redditor UninvitedBrother32 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for uninviting my adoptive brothers from my wedding after they said they don’t see me as family?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a 32-year-old man, and I’m getting married to my long-time G[irl]F[riend] soon.”
“What should be one of the happiest moments of my life has turned into a heartbreaking ordeal because of a deepening rift in my family.”
“To give you some background: I’m my parent’s biological son, and when I was 12, they adopted two boys who were biological siblings—Jack, who was 8, and Liam, who was 5.”
“From the very beginning, it was clear that things were going to be tough.”
“Jack came with severe behavioral issues due to some intense trauma (I’ll spare the details, but it was significant).”
“I tried my hardest to be understanding, but living with him was nothing short of exhausting.”
“His outbursts were constant, and I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, terrified of setting him off.”
“As we grew older, I continued to try to be there for Jack despite everything.”
“A few years ago, Jack fell into a devastating drug addiction.”
“I stood by him through his darkest moments, supporting him through rehab and doing everything I could to help him get back on his feet.”
“It was draining and heartbreaking, but I did it because I loved him and believed that, despite our challenges, we were still brothers.”
“The situation came to a head recently at a Sunday dinner at my parent’s house.”
“My son was working on his summer homework, which involved creating a family tree.”
“He innocently asked Jack if he wanted to be included, and Jack just flat-out said no.”
“He didn’t want to be part of it because, in his exact words, ‘We’re not real brothers.’”
“He said it so casually, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, with no regard for how much it would cut me to the core.”
“I was utterly stunned, but what shattered me even more was that Liam, who I’ve always felt closer to, just sat there in silence.”
“He didn’t say a word.”
“He didn’t defend me or even acknowledge how hurtful Jack’s words were.”
“He just let it happen.”
“I’ve tried so hard to be supportive of both of them, especially Jack, despite the endless challenges.”
“So, for Jack to say that and for Liam to do nothing felt like a gut punch.”
“It was as if they were both telling me that I was never truly part of their family.”
“I decided to uninvite both Jack and Liam from my wedding.”
“My fiancée has been nothing but supportive of my decision, but my parents are furious.”
“They’ve made it clear that if Jack and Liam aren’t invited, they won’t attend either.”
“It feels like history is repeating itself, with my parents once again prioritizing Jack over me, no matter how much it hurts me.”
“I’m absolutely heartbroken that my parents would choose to miss my wedding rather than support me in this.”
“I know Jack has been through a lot, but I’ve done everything I can to be there for him and Liam, despite all the heartache.”
“And now, I feel like I’m the one being punished for finally standing up for myself and setting some boundaries.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for uninviting my brothers after they said they don’t see me as family, even if it means my parents won’t come to my wedding?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – but perhaps Liam said nothing because he knows how Jack thinks and reacts, and contradicting him or arguing would only have caused a scene in front of your son.”
“Jack was the one who said this.”
“I expect, given your description of Jack, that Liam has also had a lifetime of managing his brother’s moods and behavior, and he didn’t want to be involved.”
“Think again about inviting Liam.”
“He hasn’t done anything wrong here except refuse to contribute to a family argument.”
“Maybe go for a drink together and talk, man to man?” ~ Lulubelle__007
“You are totally within your rights to feel hurt. That’s genuine.”
“But I think you missed a number of steps between feeling hurt and uninviting them.”
“You should take some time to talk to Jack privately and ask him why he said what he said, reminding him of how you feel about him.”
“Then speak with Liam and get his input.”
“I think there’s a way to work through all of this and get back to being a family.”
“I don’t think you’re an AH, but I think you shouldn’t hit the nuclear button right away.” ~ Mail_Writer580
“You said that you walked on eggshells to avoid conflict and outbursts.”
“Could it be that Liam was as well?”
“I feel like he could have reached out after the fact to explain this, but I think it’s worth a discussion with him.”
“Sure, Jack can pound sand, and your parents as well for playing favorites.”
“But I would talk with Liam to know for sure how he feels.”
“He might be in a tough spot where Jack’s love might be conditional on agreeing with him.” ~ meadow_chef
“Hope you get some clarity from Liam.”
“For Jack, I completely understand your decision, but considering his background and substance abuse, pushing you away could be part of his self-destructive cycle.”
“Not saying you should change your mind about disinviting him but it sounds like there might be some complex stuff going on in his head.” ~ Pupniko
“NTA. I completely agree.”
“I understand that Liam’s silence hurt your feelings as well, but maybe it’s worth having a word with him.”
“You can let him know that he hurt you by not saying anything, and also ask him why that was the case.”
“Perhaps he really did just stay quiet to keep the peace.”
“He knows by this time that Jack is capable of turning anything into a fight or a scene, so he was just avoiding it.”
“If you speak to him and it still feels like he’s also being hostile, you’re absolutely right in uninviting him too.”
“Your parents are being very unreasonable, though.”
“It’s okay for them to get upset when they learn of what happened, but instead of being petty and stubborn, they should be talking to Jack about his behavior and how it’s affecting the whole family.” ~ Bothered_Giraffe369
“Unless this happened an hour ago, Liam has had time to contact OP personally to let him know he doesn’t feel the same way as Jack about their relationship.”
“Why is that up to OP?”
“It seems like OP has always been expected to bend over for everyone else.”
“Now that OP has finally stood up to them (and I’m including his parents here) and defended himself, he should stand his ground now and move forward.”
“Call it good practice for when/if OP adds more children to the mix.” ~ -UP2L8-
“NTA… but you should ask your parents if they see you as lesser of a person compared to Jack.”
“Ask them if your feelings only matter so long as Jack is ok with it.”
“You should also ask your parents why, when it comes to you, do they feel as if you should take a backseat to Jack, and why they feel it’s necessary to dish out an ultimatum to you, but can’t address the way he spoke to you and what he said.
“Nonetheless, if I were you, I’d revoke their invitations anyway… simply on the basis that they can’t be bothered to be there to shoot you, and would rather Jack is the one who needs to be considered over you.” ~ controversialmind737
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Jack made it extremely clear that he does not consider you his sibling.”
“So, why should he be invited to the wedding?”
“The same goes for Liam, he could have easily said something if he felt differently.”
“Your parents should understand how much that hurts.”
“For them to say they’re not going if Jack and Liam aren’t invited is just BS.”
“You’re their kid.” ~ DogsReadingBooks
“Just a thought for you: how hurtful could it have been for Jack to have his place in your family questioned, no matter how innocently?”
“If I were in Jack’s shoes, I would have been hurt by that question and very well might have answered as he did.”
“His answer may be more of a reaction to the question and not any long-standing sentiment.”
“I’d talk separately with Jack and Liam and get clarification.”
“I hope it goes well for you all.” ~ ArrayedLike1ofThese
“NTA – your wedding, your guests.”
“And Jack has been very clear about who and what he is.”
“However I would consider opening some dialogue with Liam.”
“I appreciate you seeing his silence as implying he agrees with Jack, but was that the case, or was it he knew intervening would cause more of a storm?”
“I would strongly advise having a chance to speak to him calmly, directly, without others around to influence the discussion either way and explore what he actually thinks.” ~ Fearless_Spring5611
“NTA. My Dad is not technically my bio-donor.”
“Before being married to my mom, he was married to someone who had kids from a prior relationship.”
“This summer, I went to her daughter’s (my step-step-niece’s?) high school graduation.”
“Family is always a choice.”
“Best of luck to you.” ~ DigasInHell
“NTA. Your wedding; your rules.”
“It sucks. It hurts.”
“But if he going to act/think that way, you are saving your own emotions.”
“You really buried the core details at the end—your parents putting him over you.”
“That is a huge bit of information.”
“It sounds like he has always gotten away with being nasty to you, and your parents allowed it.”
“Think very carefully about what boundaries you want to set after the wedding.” ~ Bloodystupidjohnson3
“NTA. Family is a choice.”
“I got married last week, and my wife didn’t invite her narcissistic mother, which I fully support.”
“Hopefully, your brother and parents will apologize.” ~ MrTadpole1986
OP came back with an update…
“Thank you for your comments.”
“Honestly, I’m still extremely emotional by all of this.”
“Especially because of my parents.”
“But I have always got on better with Liam, even though I do still feel like an outsider compared to the two of them which is probably because they’re biological brothers who have the shared trauma.”
“I still feel really hurt by Liam not saying anything, but my main issue is with my parents and Jack.”
“I’m going to talk to Liam later.”
This is a tough situation.
Sorry, you’re having to go through it, OP.
Reddit is with you. Your wedding, your rules.
And boundaries are important.
Hopefully, you and Liam can mend fences after you talk.
Good luck.